How Not to Get Laid

Submitted by Anon, Age 20, UK

I’ve always been a bit shite with girls. In my 20 years of life I’ve slept with only two girls, one of which was more of a “was mounted by a whale” than a proper lay.

I broke up with my ex about 15 months ago now. I haven’t had sex in the last 16 months or so.

So that’s the backstory over and done with. Now, I’m a beatboxer, which (for those who don’t know) means imitating sounds, mainly percussion instruments, with one’s mouth. This also gives me access to the single finest chat up line in existence.

At a house party there was a stunner showing a very real interest in me. I danced around with her (about as well as a lanky white boy can anyway) and did some beatboxing for her. Ten minutes of beatboxing later and she’s obviously impressed. “That’s amazing” she says, “how can you do all of that?”

“Well, you know what they say about us beatboxers”, I replied. “We’re good with out mouths”.

That should have been the end of it, but I was drunk.

“I bet you are”, she said with a wink. “You’ll have to show–”

But she was interrupted by me suddenly bursting out into loud laughter, incoherently babbling about us beatboxers also having big willies, before I walked off giggling to get another drink.

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