How Not to Get Laid

Boys,
Here are some things for you to consider before you decide, like my ex-boyfriend did, to show up at your girlfriend’s doorstep on Valentine’s Day wearing nothing but a strategically placed heart shaped box of chocolates.

1. Don’t do this unless you happen to look really good naked. Most guys don’t. If you have to ask, you probably don’t either.

2. Remember that it’s February, and that means cold temperatures. Are you a pasty-faced white boy? Does your skin get bright pink in the snow? Do you think this makes you look sexier? Please see my first point.

3. Again, February. Is your girlfriend really gonna want to defrost you by pressing her nice warm body against your ice cold skin? Is that a Valentine’s treat for her? Not so much.

4. Yeah, still on February. Shrinkage, boys. Shrinkage. Not so hot.

And finally . . .

5. If #1-4 are not enough to dissuade you from this plan, please make sure you are 100% certain that your girlfriend is alone in her home before you trot your naked ass over there. In particular, I would make sure that her two older brothers have not just stopped by to say hello, as this could be unbelievably embarrassing for both of you and might just kill your relationship on the spot.

Submitted by Jody, Age 27, Chicago

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