How Not to Get Laid

Submitted by Lady of the Lake, Age 20, Ann Arbor, MI

I discovered that my boyfriend had been cheating on me – and he’d done it with two different girls (he’d had sex with one and made out with the other). When I found out, we had a huge fight, and I told him to get out of my apartment and never come back. I was devastated and couldn’t believe I’d been such a sucker.

A couple days later, he calls me and asks when he can come by to pick up his things. I say Tuesday evening. Tuesday comes, and he shows up in this really nice shirt with flowers in his hands. I ask, What’s with the flowers? He says they’re to say he’s sorry. He says he knows we’re broken up and he’s fine with that, but he just wants to apologize. Whatever. He asks for a drink. I refuse. “Just get your shit and go,” I say. But he’s taking his sweet time. Finally, he comes right out and says what’s on his mind.

“You know,” he says, “it’s a shame we never got to have breakup sex.” He pauses and gives me a smile. “Of course, we still could …”

That’s when I spilled my cranberry juice on his stupid fancy shirt.

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