How Not to Get Laid

Submitted by Evan, Age 22, Connecticut

I was at a bar in New York with my buddy Tim, and he started chatting up this brunette who was — to put it kindly — dumb as paint. She was a party girl though, and amazingly hot, so Tim was definitely interested. In my role as wingman and mischief-maker, I decided to have a little fun and mentioned to the girl that Tim was a porn star. To her credit, she didn’t believe me at first, but Tim and I kept insisting. We created this whole backstory about how he was in town shooting this film and how he had his own line of sex toys with his name on them. Slowly but surely, she started to believe us, and, as she did, she became suddenly VERY interested in Tim.

I couldn’t believe it. Within an hour, she had invited him back to her place. Tim walked out of the bar with the hot brunette on his arm and a smile five miles wide. But in the end, the joke would be on him.

Now, Tim is my friend and a great guy, but — how shall it put this? — he is not exactly a porn star. Amongst our frat Brothers, he had the nickname “Mighty Mouse” (until it was changed to “Speedy Gonzales” our senior year), and, yes, you’ve guessed right about what both of those nicknames refer to. Anyhow, enough said.

Apparently, once Tim and his lady friend got back to her place, they started to get naked and get busy, and (I don’t know the details of exactly how this happened, but…) this dumb brunette very quickly wised up to the fact that the man she was about to have sex with was not, in fact, a porn star. Feeling duped, the brunette became hysterical and demanded that Tim leave her apartment at once. In his hasty departure, he left behind his sweater and his underwear. He had to walk 30 blocks in the freezing cold to get to where we were staying that night. True story.

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