How Not to Get Laid

(I love this story because it represents exactly what this website should be about: learning and personal growth. Heed the warning, children! — SF)

Submitted by Edward, Age 33, Los Angeles, CA 

Practically everyone experiments with some type of drugs when they are college. For me, I was pretty much the "pot guy" who occasionally dabbled in other drugs when offered but never actively sought out or bought any for myself. So, it was on the last night of my college career that I found myself on the losing end of a multi-drug "cocktail", causing me to lose my big chance (or so I thought) with the one girl I had really wanted to bang throughout my five years at school.

Every year, on the last day of classes in spring, the "hot girl" sorority threw its annual graduation party at the beach. It is THE party of the year with the hottest girls. Even the hot girls who weren't in the sorority did everything to get in. So, I found myself pre-partying at my buddy's apartment beforehand, and, naturally, we were all psyched to be ending our days in college on a "high" note.

Enter Laura Dern. No, not the famous actress from "Jurrasic Park" fame, but an even prettier doppleganger whose name I never really got (or cared to). She was known simply as "Laura Dern." I had been an admirer of hers from afar since Freshman Orientation. We ran in different circles, but our paths occasionally crossed. However, for one reason or another, I never really made any attempt to get her into bed (although she was definitely the subject of many late-night rounds of self-gratification).

So there I was at the party, having a good time, when who should come up and start hitting on me? Laura Dern — in all her magnificant glory. There was only one problem: the drugs were starting to kick in. Hard. Really hard.

To this day, I don't know how I managed to not end up like River Phoenix, what with the combination of ecstacy, coke, mushrooms, and kind bud in my system. But, suffice it to say, I must've had some serious mojo working becuase the next thing I know, she's whispering in my ear about how she's wanted to fuck me since I dropped French 101 our freshman year.

I couldn't believe my ears, but I wasn't about to argue, so I told her I was going to take a piss and then we could head back to my place to fuck like a couple of rabbits. However, that trip to the bathroom will forever haunt me because that is where I ran into my buddy "Terance" — a walking pharmacy — who somehow convinced me that taking a Rohypinol (Roofy) would actually HELP me in the sack.

CUT TO: The next morning I awoke having absolutely no memory of what transpired after going to the bathroom. The only thing I did know, was that Laura Dern was sleeping soundly next to me in bed … Naked. Buck naked.

Which begs the question: If a guy has sex with the girl of his dreams, but has absolutely no recollection of it — did it really happen?

Apparently it did, although I didn't find out until two days later when I had one of her sorority sisters discreetly inquire for me. I figured I would get the green light for round two (only this time I would make sure not to date-rape myself beforehand), but sadly Laura found out about my little black out and decided it best to not fuck the "self date-rape guy" ever again.

The moral of the story: Don't do drugs if you want to get laid.

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