How Not to Get Laid

Submitted by Roger, Age 25, Boston, MA

So you know the theory that we’re all a certain percentage gay and a certain percentage straight? I subscribe to this theory, and I’d describe myself as mostly straight in a 60%/40% way. This means I’m attracted to pretty much anyone good looking regardless of gender, but (after a brief phase of experimentation in my younger years) I prefer and date only women.

This is not something I advertise when dating women, and I only bring it up after we’ve been dating a while – and then, only tactfully. No big deal. Except this one time.

I’d been dating this girl for several weeks. She was high energy, very sexual, and very hot, but a bit neurotic and kind of a spaz. We hadn’t had sex yet, though she’d teased me quite a bit. I was wondering when it would finally happen. One night (THE night, I hoped), we ended up at her place watching TV. It was getting late. Good, right? I made a few moves. We made out a bit. But she would always stop things short before we got too far. She was distracted by the TV, by her friend texting her, one thing after another.

During one of our non-sexual moments, we both found ourselves on opposite ends of the couch watching TV, and one of those “Boys Gone Wild” commercials came on. I’d never seen it before, and, well … young hot guys showing off their bodies and being objectified, it turned me on a little bit. I got hard. I was wearing boxers. She noticed. And she FREAKED.

She said, “Oh my god, you’re totally gay, aren’t you? Oh my god.” She didn’t even give me time to respond, she just said I had to leave right away. She started rambling and I could barely get a word in edgewise to explain. From what I understood, it sounded like she’d dated this one dude for four years and thought she was going to marry him, but then he turned out to be gay. She’s been paranoid ever since.

I was so steamrolled by her reaction, I could barely think of anything to say. Afterwards, a lot of witty lines came to me. Too late, unfortunately. Because she’d behaved so irrationally, I decided to be a dick, and I emailed her the next day. I wrote, “Thanks for the lovely evening. I was wondering when we were going to have sex?” She emailed back that she was going to get a restraining order if I contacted her again. Whoah. That was it for me. Best to leave crazy alone.

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