A Recipe For Ruining A Sure Thing

Drugs/Alcohol, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Humiliation, Icky and/or Gross, Virginity 1,666 Responses »
Sep 112008

Submitted by Jimmy, Age 22, Salt Lake City, UT

So I’m from Salt Lake City, UT. You may have heard rumors about this place. Despite what you have heard, one thing Salt Lake City is known for is getting some ‘hanky panky.’ However, I’m still 22 years old and still haven’t had the opportunity to get some–until just the other night.

My friend was hosting a ‘back to school’ party last weekend. He and a bunch of my friends are off to college and so they threw one last rager before moving away. They had jungle juice, jello shots and all the food you could eat. I figured I better eat something if I’m going to drink with them. So they grilled up some burgers and dogs and I had like 4 hot dogs. Anyway, this girl, (we’ll name her…Beth) comes in, and I’m introduced to her by my friends at the party. They’ve been feeling bad for me cause I’m the only one who hasn’t gotten busy yet. My friends tell me that hooking up with her is like ‘shooting fish in a barrel.’ And I’ll admit, she’s not the best looker in the bunch, but she sure has a great body. She starts off by pouring me a huge glass of jungle juice. I don’t drink much but I figured, “Why not?” She proceeds to ask me all sorts of questions about myself…Then I realize my friends have put her up to this. I mean, I know that she’s had sex with basically everyone there. I’ve heard the stories. Is it really my turn to get some?

Well to make a long story short, we drank more jungle juice–and more and more! Next thing you know, I had completely blacked out but somehow wandered into a strange bedroom with her. When I suddenly came too, it was dark and the only thing I could smell was her nasty perfume and suddenly…I threw up. She screams in horror and turns on the lights. My pants were down and she was already half naked! But as I looked across the bed, I threw up a bunch of hot dogs and juice and she was horrified. She basically threw her clothes on and ran out of the room. It was all of a sudden!

So if you want to know how not to get laid, don’t eat a bunch of hot dogs then follow it up with Jungle juice. No matter who you are..that will just extinguish any attempt to get some.

Posted by StewFox at 3:44 pm

Apparently guys need to be "in the mood" as well.

Foot In Mouth, Guy Story - No Sex for Girl, How Not To Get Laid, Lothario Story, Virginity 2 Responses »
Sep 102008

Submitted by Blake, Age 28, Toronto

Well, there was this girl I’d known for some time who was pretty cute. A bit odd but alright. We’d flirted on occasion and I knew she was interested but, frankly, I had better prospects at other times. I’d bunked over at her place for a few days between apartments and found out first hand how neurotic she could be, so I should have seen this coming, but oh well. Hindsight…

So there’s a stretch where I’m not with anyone, we end up at the beach together, and she’s looking pretty good. We end up at her family’s beach house and things start getting interesting. Then she tells me that she’s never ”gone all the way” before. Really? ”Yeah” she says, though she’s come close. Ok, well that’s alright, I say. So long as you want this to happen. So we take it from there.

So we’re on the bed ready to go and she glances out the bedroom door. ”Did you leave the light on?” Uh, yeah, sorry. So she gets up, goes out and turns it off. Comes back. ”Please don’t leave the light on.” Ok. ”It wastes power.” Sure, sorry. ”I just want you to remember for next time.” Ok, I will. ”Alright. Don’t forget.”

All of this in a tone like an adult scolding a child. Then she goes back to kissing my neck. Uh, sorry! Not in the mood! Stop! Amazing she’d never gone ”all the way” before. Protip: if you want sex and everything’s ready to go, save the lecture for another time.

Posted by StewFox at 3:09 pm

What are you trying to say exactly?

College, Drugs/Alcohol, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Lack of Balls, On Being Good, Virginity 959 Responses »
Aug 262008

Submitted by Shy Nerd, Age 24, Portland OR

So I entered and exited adolescence a shy, bashful nerdy type who had many chances to get laid and ended up successfully avoiding each one. The funniest story, however, came when I was still a virgin and in college. I had this female friend who I had developed a huge crush on, but I didn’t tell her because I knew she had a long distance boyfriend and I was much too awkward to entertain the idea that someone I was sexually attracted to shared an attraction for me.

We had been friends for a while and sexual tensions developed, but I figured they were all on my end. One night, after a dorm party, we ended up in her room, alone. We sat on her bed and talked for a little while, both a little buzzed from some rotgut vodka. After a short time talking, she gets up and says, “I’m just going to put on some music.” She puts on some soft instrumental music and we continue to sit on the bed. I have a stupid grin on my face (as I usually do) and continue to think about nothing. After a couple minutes of silence, she says “I’m just going to dim the lights.” I continue to sit on the bed and think about nothing.

After a few more minutes of silence, she says “I’m tired. Do you want to lie down?” So we both lay in her bed, and a few more minutes of silence pass by. Slowly, the gears in my head are in motion and I start to wonder if she may have an ulterior motive. After at least five more minutes pass by of us both lying in bed together underneath dimmed lights with soft music playing in the background, she says “Look, maybe we shouldn’t hang out so much anymore. I’m afraid something is going to happen.”

And this is exactly what I thought: “Something was going to happen?”

Posted by StewFox at 11:37 am

A Golden Oldie

College, Crazy Suitor, Drugs/Alcohol, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Icky and/or Gross, Virginity 991 Responses »
Aug 102008

Submitted by Cleanup man, Age 49, Denver suburbs

Just found this site and thought I’d confess a story that NOBODY knows. It happened freshman year of college.

We went to another school to meet girls and one came back to my dorm room with me. I was a virgin when I went off to college but had been doing pretty well in catching up to my slow start.

We had been drinking heavily and the last thing I recall is sitting down on the bed with her.

When I awoke from my drunken stupor in the morning, she was gone. My underwear was gone, yet my jeans were fully zipped and buttoned.

As I puzzled through that concept, I turned and looked at my dorm floor and there sat a pile of feces in a large golden pool.

I have no idea what the hell happened or why she crapped on my floor. But I sure cleaned it up before my roommate got back.

Posted by StewFox at 8:58 am

At Least Someone Got Off

Cars, Drugs/Alcohol, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Icky and/or Gross, Lothario Story, Virginity 1 Response »
Apr 062008

Submitted by “I don’t wanna talk about it,” Age 24, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

I’m not sure how to describe the place. It was a typical street outside a bar that played loud heavy-metal music and was packed with depressed teenager in black, which I was at the time. I was there sharing beers with a friend. While I was still sober, a girl came to talk to me and said she thought I was cute.

I didn’t respond. Not that I was embarrassed or anything, but I didn’t find her very attractive.

In response to my silence she said, “You don’t liked me. Okay,” and left.

Many beers later (and I do mean MANY) I saw the same girl and told my friend “She’s ugly as hell, but I’ll take her.” I tapped my friend on the shoulder and went to talk to her. I don’t think she gave me time to finish a whole sentence before kissing me. After this kiss, she took me by the arm, heading to the corner.

Continue reading »

Posted by StewFox at 3:34 pm

Twuwy, Madwy, Deepwy

College, Foot In Mouth, Girl Story - No Sex for Guy, High School, How Not To Get Laid, Icky and/or Gross, Virginity 1 Response »
Mar 202008

Submitted by Lauren, Age 21, Toronto

When I was in my last year of high school, a very sexy older boy asked me out. Naturally, I accepted. It is a mark of prestige, attractiveness and intelligence for a high school girl to be with a university boy.

We began dating. We didn’t go far for months, never getting past ‘first base’. However, I was crazy about him, and he about me. I decided that he was the one I would “lose it” to. And, being an inexperienced virgin, I set out to create the perfect night for us to “physically express our love” (as I delicately described it to my equally inexperienced friends).

I invited him to my home one night when I knew my family would be gone. I went out, bought special underwear, soft sexy music, candles, the whole shtick. It was going to be beautiful and perfect.

Or so I thought.

He came over. I immediately steered him to the bedroom. The carefully planned ambiance tipped him off to my intention. We began kissing and fondling each other, slowly rounding out the bases.

I was pleased that everything was going so well. I was turned on, ready. He began breathing heavily and whispering sexy nothings in my ear.

Then it happened.

He said “I want you so badly”. which, in itself, is not a bad thing to say. Except that he said it in a baby voice. I’m talking five year old with a lisp baby voice: “I want you so badwy”. A little, horny Elmer Fudd. It caught me off-guard, but I decided to ignore it.

I suppose my silence read as an indication that I liked dirty baby talk. He started saying dirtier and dirtier things and I grew more and more disturbed. The deal breaker was “I wanna spwit you open wif my cock”. At that point, I rolled off him and said I was “too nervous” to continue. It seemed like a backhanded way to compliment him and to get out of sex with little explanation. In reality I was just too creeped out and turned off.

For several days, every time we interacted, all I could think about was “I wanna spwit you open wif my cock”.

The relationship didn’t survive.

Posted by StewFox at 7:58 pm

In Retrospect, Sex Would Have Been Nice Too

College, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Lack of Balls, Melancholy, On Being Good, Virginity 2 Responses »
Mar 142008

Submitted by Matthew, Age 61, New England, USA

Then, not getting laid wasn’t what hurt the most. Now, forty-three years later, it is. There’s nothing like being in love the first time. Those feelings last forever.

She was in love with me too, in the same way. We declared that, someday, we would get married.

We were both virgins, but hot to experiment. We met during the summer and had a comfortable place to be alone, and we undressed each other and, without intercourse, made love often.

My friend was in nursing school. She had studied the rhythm method and took her temperature each morning. One night when we were in bed together she said, “I’m not fertile. I want to make love.”

Continue reading »

Posted by StewFox at 6:36 am

Above Board, Above Belt, Beyond Stupid

Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, High School, How Not To Get Laid, Humiliation, Lack of Balls, On Being Good, Virginity 1 Response »
Feb 022008

Submitted by J. Wordsworth, Age 26, Seattle

I was a freshman in high school. I was 6’3″, skinny, wore glasses and took AP and honors classes. As you can imagine, I was completely inept when it came to girls. Utterly incompetent. I was incapable of saying anything remotely intelligent. I was also painfully aware of how awkward I was, which was a vicious cycle as far as my penis was concerned.

In my biology class I noticed this girl. She was attractive, and more importantly, she talked to me. More accurately, she had to talk to me as she was my lab partner. She was into drama and also ballet. I didn’t know why I was drawn to a girl with demonstrated flexibility at the time; I just vaguely knew that it was good for a girl to be flexible (probably natural male instinct). She also had a car. And a license. I was 15 and had neither. Perfect scenario for me.

Continue reading »

Posted by StewFox at 12:40 pm
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