Archive for the 'Stewart Fox' Category
Submitted by Stewart Fox, Age 29, Los Angeles
After a wonderful April and a spectacular March, May has been strangely silent here at HNTGL. Just when I started to think that more and more people were visiting the site and submitting stories, the flow of new material suddenly and mysteriously stopped. Why? I’m not sure. I’ve long since given up trying to understand the logic behind when people submit stories and when they don’t.
But as I wait for my readers to once again share their tales of intrigue and humor, I thought I’d submit an entry myself. You see, my inbox hasn’t exactly been empty these past few weeks. I’ve had quite a lot of e-mail — only, of the spam variety. Spam irks me because I don’t understand it. Can spam actually be successful? Do spammers actually make money? How? Who, in this day and age, is foolish enough to actually give a spammer their money? The nonsensical spam irks me the most, the random letters and words that don’t even attempt to sell any bogus products, the meaningless sludge that pollutes without purpose.
But the most amusing spam is the penis spam. And that stuff seems very much in the spirit of this website. For anyone who actually responds to such spam is clearly barking up a tree that is planted in Notgettinglaidanytimethiscenturyville, USA. So, without further ado, some penis spam subject lines that I’ve received this year:
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Happy New Year! To the over-sexed, the under-sexed, the appropriately sexed, and the comedically sexed, I wish you a wonderful 2008. It’s been a little over a year since I launched this site, and I thought I’d take a second or two to give y’all a little update.
Since my first post in December of 2006, our community has shared a total of 95 stories (including tomorrow’s story), and have had over 55,000 visitors to the site. Not bad for a first year. You may have noticed, however, that the fall has been rather slow for us, and the frequency of postings has dropped in a major way since the summer. Here’s why:
I launched the site with a large stockpile of stories from friends, and in those early months, I was very aggressive about emailing bloggers and similar websites to get the HNTGL name out there. This was quite successful. I gave a bunch of interviews, the website got a few nice write-ups, and with each of these came more traffic and more stories. Due to my significant backlog and aggressive networking, I was able to post about three stories a week, and at the time, I thought this was just swell. My hope was that once we got HNTGL off to a good start, the site would spread on its own, and I would no longer have to worry about pestering strangers for stories.
I was partly right and partly wrong. Sometime over the summer, I realized that this venture was monopolizing my time at the expense of my other (actual moneymaking) work, and I decided I needed to let go a bit, to let the site sink or swim based on its own merits. I stopped my marketing crusade. Sadly, the stories started to come less frequently. But you didn’t! With no effort on my part, HNTGL started getting blogrolled on more and more sites. Readership even improved, very slowly but steadily.
Which brings us to the central paradox (and perhaps, admittedly, the major flaw) of HowNotToGetLaid.com. People love to read stories about not getting laid. But (it seems) only a small percentage of those people are willing to share stories about themselves. Reading is easy. Sharing requires effort. So there you are.
I would love to go back to posting three stories a week (or more), but I can only post what I’m sent. Which leaves the ball in your court. This is your website. If you want to see more stories, please keep sending them in. Spread the word to your friends, dare everyone you know to share a dark story from their past, and see who is up to the challenge. Remember that a two sentence story can be every bit as rewarding as a 1000 word opus, so this needn’t be a huge time commitment. If you really want to go all the way supporting the site, buy a T-shirt and wear it out in public. Spread the word and the mission however you can.
I’d like to thank those of you who have contributed stories, those of you who have blogrolled me, those of you who rate stories and add comments, and even those of you who just visit the site to read for a bit and then disappear quietly into the night. You have all made this a terrific first year. With a little luck and a little help, we can make it a great ‘08 as well.
peace and love,
Stewart Fox
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I will be on vacation for the next week. New stories will be posted starting June 13th. Please take this opportunity to engage in any of the following wonderful activities:
1. browse the HNTGL archives and read some of our awesome older stories (Dec, Jan, Feb, Mar, Apr, May)
2. walk away from your computer, stretch your limbs, and engage actively in the world
3. go on a date and get laid (or fail spectacularly, trying to do so)
4. write many new hilarious stories for me so that I will return from vacation to find my Inbox overflowing!
I look forward to more fun soon.
Think sexy thoughts,
Stewart
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(It has been some time since my inaugural post, so I thought I’d throw another personal story out there. Do enjoy. — SF)
Submitted by Stewart Fox, Age 28, Los Angeles
I had a big time crush. I was into her and (to a lesser extent) she was into me. So why weren’t we a couple? There were issues. Problems of mismatched geography, mismatched life direction, and that perennial thorn in my side: bad timing. But I had a chance with her. Or so I thought. It was one night only, just the two of us together, not exactly the full-scale long term romance I’d fantasized about, but I knew there was still a chance for something special that night: a chance for one spectacular fling.
First I had to grease the wheels. At dinner, I ordered a bottle of wine. Just the thing to push inhibitions to the point of no return. We both drank. I wanted to encourage her to drink more. So I — very conspicuously — drank more. She sipped responsibly. I sipped frequently. I drank the way people lean to one side during mini golf trying to influence the ball’s trajectory through mental telepathy and body language. I influenced nothing. Except my own good senses.
I began to open up. And it was a gruesome thing to watch. I told her how much I was into her. And then I kept talking. And talking. And telling her things I should have never in a million years told her. And with every word, I could see whatever attraction she once had for me slowly fading away. I’d become this needy guy with feelings, no longer the cool artistic dude she once admired. I was just another guy with a crush that wasn’t going to be returned. I was my own cheap date. And not hers.
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Next week, HowNotToGetLaid.com will post its 50th story. [Make loud joyful noise of your choosing HERE] It’s been an amazing first three and a half months, and I thank all of you for making it so. The last few weeks have been particularly cool as we’ve gotten a terrific review on Jane’s Guide and lots of amazing press. So please take a moment, as the reader, and pat yourselves on the back for helping to put the world’s first website about NOT getting laid on the map …
You done yet? Okay. Cool. Stop patting yourselves please. There’ll be more time for that later. But first …
The lowdown. While HNTGL is exploding, the amount of new stories in my Inbox is … not. After starting with a large backlog of brilliant tales, my supply of stories is starting to run low, and this has me concerned. I’m putting them up faster than I’m getting them in, and that’s no good. So here’s the deal: in order for HNTGL.com to stick around, I need your help.
Here are a few SUPER EASY things you can do right now to help keep the mission alive:
1. SUBMIT A STORY - Everybody’s got a story to share. Hell, you’ve probably got five. Why not share one? Tell us how you screwed up so we can avoid making the same mistake. Sharing is caring!
2. TELL 5 FRIENDS ABOUT HNTGL - More readers = More people to potentially write stories.
3. TELL 50 FRIENDS ABOUT HNTGL - I know you have more than 5 friends.
4. BLOGROLL ME - Got a blog? Link to me!
5. MYSPACE LOVE - Befriend our MySpace page and good things will follow.
6. SUBMIT A STORY - What are you waiting for? Just start typing. It’s not as hard as it sounds. And it’s fun. People have told me it’s cathartic even. If you’ve only got five free minutes, type up a five minute story. Remember, this can be a story about you wanting to have sex but messing it up, it can be about someone else improperly wooing you, it can be a story about a friend, anything! Just go for it!
Thanks for taking action today, and, as always, thanks for reading.
Have a great weekend!
Stewart Fox
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(Wasn’t sure whether to post this one as it’s about me, but my girlfriend told me I had no choice. Though it is difficult, I’ll resist the urge to add any commentary, and I won’t even object to being described as “goofy.” Just don’t get too many ideas. — SF)
Submitted by “How Ironic!”
I actually knew the founder of this site in college, and every girl I knew at the time, including several who were absolutely clear that they were lesbians, had a HUGE crush on him! I guess if one of us had made a move, this great and funny site wouldn’t exist, though. I did kiss him in a play, and EVERYONE was jealous : ) I guess he was completely clueless… which, ironically, was probably part of his appeal! Luckily, this story has a happy ending, since he has a girlfriend now. : )
So, for all you cute, goofy guys out there, sometimes you just have to go for it!
Good luck!
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Jody from Chicago is the winner of How Not To Get Laid’s first Valentine’s Story Contest! Her entry, SHIVERS DOWN HIS SPINE, received the highest average rating (4.42) of all six submitted stories as of Valentine’s Eve. It’s a funny cautionary tale which you should all check out if you haven’t. As our winner, Jody gets the How Not To Get Laid T-shirt of her choosing. What a prize!
Thanks to everyone who submitted and everyone who voted. Not bad for our first contest. I promise we’ll get back to our non-Valentine’s stories asap, and I urge you all to keep sending in those stories and keep spreading the word about the site. Thanks again!
A highly tolerable Valentine’s Day to you all!
— SF
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This is the week for Valentine’s Stories, and the first post of our contest is coming up! If you have a Valentine’s story and haven’t submitted yet, you can still do so (click for details). Remember though, the sooner you submit, the sooner your story gets posted, the longer time you have to rack up lots of high votes and tell your friends. Reminder: Judging: honor’s system: rate each story once, and whichever story has the highest rating come Valentine’s Eve is our winner (with more than 10 votes minimum).
So now, without further ado, I bid you enjoy the stories of HNTGL’s first ever Valentine’s Contest!
— Stewart
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Regardless of how my romantic life ebbed or flowed for the other 364 days a year, there was always one thing I could be certain of come February 14th: No date. No romance. No action. Relationships started and ended and always managed to carefully avoid this day. Was it a Valentine’s curse? I don’t know. Possibly. The point is this: I have no good Valentine’s Day stories to tell.
But YOU DO!!!
So, let’s raise the stakes, shall we? Starting now, submit your favorite story about not getting laid on Valentine’s Day. Remember, this can be a story about you not getting laid, a story about someone who tried to have sex with you and messed it up, a story about a friend . . . ANYTHING! It just needs to have some Valentine-ish element to be included in the contest. Submit the usual way, on the submit page.
Judging. Stories will be posted during the first two weeks of February. Highest rated story (with at least 10 votes) wins. Winner will be announced on Valentine’s Day. Winner gets the HNTGL T-Shirt of his or her choosing. I will contact the winner via e-mail and ask for their mailing address and T-shirt size and preference.
Ratings - You guys are on the honors system here, because I tend to trust strangers. Vote only once, but get as many friends to vote as possible. The Highest Rated Stories sidebar (as many of you have pointed out) is still not functioning properly, but will be fixed soon. Meanwhile, the ratings interface itself is working fine, so keep rating those stories.
Don’t have a Valentine’s Story? That’s okay. I’m sure you have another story that would be perfect for the site. I’ve been overwhelmed by the positive response and steadily increasing readership we’re getting, but I still need more fresh stories if I want to keep the site going. So if you like what you’ve been reading, it’s time to get those fingers working and start sharing.
As always, I look forward to hearing your stories.
Let the games begin!
— Stewart
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(Welcome! Since this is to be a website where I ask complete strangers to spill their guts about things that happened to them in the past, I suppose it’s only fair that I use this inaugural post to share an anecdote of my own. Please enjoy this story and all those that follow! with love, Stewart)
I was a virgin at the time. Most of the stories begin this way. Fresh out of college, Benjamin Braddock had nothing on me. I was horny, repressed, and overeager.
The terrible thing about being a twenty-something virgin – aside from all the obvious things – is that I was never able to approach a romantic relationship with the same sort of carefree nature my peers could. For me, every date, every girlfriend, every interaction with the opposite sex became loaded. Will she be the one? Will this be my chance to lose the scarlet V emblazoned on my chest?
Not long after graduation, I spent four months traveling around the country with a group of actors. Very quickly, I managed to couple up with the girl I considered to be the “hot one” of the bunch. I’d like to say this made me the alpha male of the group, but in truth, I think it just made me lucky. She was smart and funny and said she used to model, which I got a real kick out of. She may have modeled for the Toys ‘R’ Us catalog when she was five for all I knew. Didn’t matter. My young ego was sufficiently stoked.
She was cheating on her boyfriend with me, which I was okay with because it didn’t seem like that relationship was going to last. Furthermore, the illicit nature of our road-trip romance made it all the more exciting for both of us. We were sneaking around motels across the southern part of the country, making out and getting all hot and heavy. Surely, I thought, it was just a matter of time. Read more »
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(10 votes, average: 4.7 out of 5)
(3 votes, average: 3.67 out of 5)