Archive for the 'Online' Category
Submitted by Stewart Fox, Age 29, Los Angeles
After a wonderful April and a spectacular March, May has been strangely silent here at HNTGL. Just when I started to think that more and more people were visiting the site and submitting stories, the flow of new material suddenly and mysteriously stopped. Why? I’m not sure. I’ve long since given up trying to understand the logic behind when people submit stories and when they don’t.
But as I wait for my readers to once again share their tales of intrigue and humor, I thought I’d submit an entry myself. You see, my inbox hasn’t exactly been empty these past few weeks. I’ve had quite a lot of e-mail — only, of the spam variety. Spam irks me because I don’t understand it. Can spam actually be successful? Do spammers actually make money? How? Who, in this day and age, is foolish enough to actually give a spammer their money? The nonsensical spam irks me the most, the random letters and words that don’t even attempt to sell any bogus products, the meaningless sludge that pollutes without purpose.
But the most amusing spam is the penis spam. And that stuff seems very much in the spirit of this website. For anyone who actually responds to such spam is clearly barking up a tree that is planted in Notgettinglaidanytimethiscenturyville, USA. So, without further ado, some penis spam subject lines that I’ve received this year:
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Submitted by Oblivious, Age 26, The Netherlands
I met this pretty young girl at sports, but didn’t really pay her much attention. We basically never said a word to each other for half a year, maybe a year or so. Then one evening, the group went out to a club, and all of the sudden, she came on to me quite aggressively. There was some close/erotic dancing, some kissing, but then she had to go, as she had to ride home with somebody.
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Submitted by Lynn, Age 36, Atlanta, GA
It was an evening of firsts. The first date since my divorce, the first with a gentleman I’d met online, and the first with a man over forty. He seemed great on paper: tall, chiseled face, a banker. But from the moment we said hello, I could tell there was something not quite right about him. When browsing his online profile one last time before our date, I wondered: how does a man like this get to be forty-three without ever being married? I soon found out.
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Submitted by Sarah
So, after a somewhat promising email chain, I finally went on a date with the guy I’ll call Train Wreck.
In a period of an hour or less, he proceeded to do / ask me / tell me all of the following things:
1. He’s so glad that he joined a fraternity in college so that he could finally lose his virginity at 22. (This is in itself, not horrible, but something you keep to yourself.)
2. He injected himself with insulin at the table, and didn’t ask / mention what he was doing, or why, and then got irritated when I inquired as to his intravenous drug use.
3. Asked if my breasts were real.
4. Asked if I had an STD. Because apparently all the girls he had met from the internet had had STD’s lately.
Seriously, as little interest as I had had before, he really hit it out of the park and out of anywhere near getting into my pants. CLASSY!
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Submitted by Teri, Age 24, Hialeah, FL
Juan was a dreamboat in his pictures, and our online flirtation got pretty serious pretty quick. We talked on the phone and planned our date, and he was pitch perfect: confident, cool, and funny. He gave very good phone. He was going to pick me up from my apartment at 6pm, and we were going to go the beach to catch some dinner.
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Submitted by Sarah, Age 31, Philadelphia, PA
I met this marine biologist (yes, a marine biologist!) on match.com, and he seemed like a real catch: cute, funny, sincere. We exchanged a few emails, then he left town for a month on some research expedition before we could actually meet. While he was away, he emailed me, and I emailed him back. Soon, it got to the point where we were writing each other pretty much every day. It was fun and exciting to have this romantic pen-pal, and we both looked forward to finally meeting once he returned to town.
On date night, he arrived at my apartment ten minutes early. There was a little surprise on my part when I first opened the door. He wasn’t bad-looking exactly, but his internet picture was definitely a best-case scenario. So…no instant fireworks, but that was okay. I felt I had a good guy here, and I needed to give him the benefit of the doubt.
But first, I had to finish getting ready. I excused myself and returned to the bathroom. When I opened the door five minutes later, I found him leaning against the sofa waiting for me — BUCK NAKED.
“I just couldn’t wait any longer,” he said.
I suppose I should have been scared or freaked, but for whatever reason, I just cracked up. He looked ridiculous standing there with his average schlub body, naked as a jaybird. It struck me as really silly, and I could not stop laughing. He got VERY red in the face, colossally embarrassed. For some reason, I said, “no, it’s not you” — but of course it totally was.
He put on his clothes with great speed, and apologized profusely. Neither of us quite knew what to do at that point, so we ended up going to dinner as originally planned. The rest of the date wasn’t technically awful, but his bold disrobing cast a pall of embarrassment over the whole affair, and I was very happy when we skipped desert and said an early goodnight.
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Submitted by Casey, Age 24, Boulder, CO
I’m in college. One date away from finally boning Wanda Lewis, and that date is tonight. I think about her perfect pair bouncing around in those tight tank tops she always wears as we IM to confirm our plans. I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time.
A new window pops up. It’s my boy Evan who wants me to come out to a rager tonight at SAE.
“2nite? u fuckin crazy bro? i’m boning wanda lewis 2nite.”
That ought to make him jealous.
“excuse me?”
Oh yeah, he’s pretending like he doesn’t know her. That asshole. He knows EXACTLY who I’m talking about.
“u know, tank top girl with the tits from murray’s econ class.”
No reply. Then I read:
“casey, are you IM-ing with someone else?”
Holy hell. I’ve been typing in the wrong box.
I am the biggest idiot in the world.
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Submitted by Tom, Age 23, New York
I had a crush on this chick from work, and one day I managed to actually get her back to my apartment. A little conversation, some vino, and we start making out. What a lucky bastard I am! This girl is amazingly hot and totally … well let’s just say: enthusiastic. I can hardly believe it, but it looks like we’re actually gonna sleep together.
Then her phone rings. She answers it. Short pause. Annoying … but, hey, we go right back to making out, so it’s cool.
Then another call. She answers it again. This is less cool. But at least it’s brief. And she apologizes.
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Submitted by Frustrated Online Dater, Age 27, New York
Attention Online daters… here are some things to avoid:
(6) Telling your potential date that your interests include going out sometimes and staying in sometimes. Surprising, I know, as this does make you sound very unique and very exciting. But more information is required.
(5) Having a profile in which you sound bitter and angry with the world. Once again, shocking that this is not a turn on, I know. Also bad, putting up a photo of you scowling… you would be surprised by how many people actually do this angry, “I am really pissed off” photo thing.
(4) Putting up photos of you and a child who is not yours, but forgetting to write, “not my child”… this can throw a potential suitor off just a little.
(3) Continuing to instant message someone who has turned you down multiple times. By the tenth time that you are rejected, you really should figure out that s/he is not about to change her/his mind. I recently returned to the online scene, and this one man continues to just keep on trying, hoping I’ll have a change of heart. But I haven’t.
(2) Emailing your potential date photos of your highly unattractive genitalia. Yes, some man really did this to me thinking it would work. He emailed me asking if I was impressed. Impressed by how unattractive and horribly pale and pimpled he was? Yes.
(1) Having a photo of you in a wedding dress on your profile with the screen name “AreYouTheOne”? Doesn’t work so well. Who knew?
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Valentine’s Day was probably not the best night for a first date, but we were both single and I figured it might make a good story if things actually worked out. We met at a restaurant, though I didn’t learn until we met up that she didn’t have a car and conned a friend of hers into driving her over to the restaurant at the last minute. Things started off on a decidedly low point when she asked me right off the bat if my parents were divorced because she was also looking to set up her mother, and wouldn’t it be fun for us to go out on a double-date: me and my dad with her and her mom. (My parents just celebrated their 35th wedding anniversary this past August.)
Over dinner, she began to tell me about her prior boyfriends, most of whom had been abusive in various ways. I also heard of her parents’ messy divorce, her father’s alcoholism, her repressed memories that are starting to surface (some of which involved more abuse) and about a thousand other details about her life – mostly because I couldn’t get in a word edgewise.
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(10 votes, average: 4.7 out of 5)
(27 votes, average: 4.07 out of 5)