Archive for the 'Miscellaneous' Category
Dear readers,
Happy Valentine's Day — and, yes, it has been a while. The site was down for a few days in December and has been dealing with a variety of technical issues since then. I am hoping to have the Highest Rated Stories sidebar fixed soon, and I'm slowly working to correct the rogue symbols that have found their way into some of the older posts since upgrading to this newer version of WordPress. That said … we are still here.
You may have also noticed that there has been a two month gap in the flow of stories. Apologies. Part of the two month hiatus has been my own negligence, and for that I'm sorry. The primary reason for the lack of stories, however, is … the lack of stories. Story submissions tend to come in waves here at HNTGL, with dry spells in between, and we have been in a little bit of a dry spell lately.
But I know you're out there. You remind me by visiting the site, leaving comments, and showing your support. You've let me know that you love How Not To Get Laid, and that's a good thing–because the fate of the website is in your hands. If you want to read more hilarious stories of coitus rejectus, you need to step up and share your own! I know you have at least one. Maybe it doesn't involve you. Maybe it involves a friend. Or an Ex. Perhaps it's a story you heard at work. Doesn't matter. We want to hear it! And remember, for those of you who are short on time, your story need not be a novel. Sometimes, the most satisfying and amusing stories are only one or two sentences long.
And now the REAL NEWS … the time has come for HNTGL to expand. From here on out, I will be accepting more than just stories. I will also be accepting links and pictures. That's right. I've realized that the most successful blogs on the Web do not rely exclusively on original content. They are aggregators. For HNTGL to keep going when the stories are fewer, we need to be open to all sorts of content: stories, pictures, videos, news, links, etc.
I think this can be an exciting change, but it still means I'm going to be relying on you readers. If you see anything on the web you think the HNTGL community will enjoy, anything in the spirit of the site, please send it in. Just shoot me an e-mail at StewFox at gmail (dot) com, and be sure to let me know how you want to be credited. Any pictures should be less than 1 MB in jpg form.
So now, dear readers, I leave it in your hands once again. Please spread the word! And send in those links and stories!
Thanks again for all the love.
And a very merry Valentine's to you all.
warmly,
Stewart Fox
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Submitted by Linda, Age 29, Los Angeles
It was my first year in the dorms. I was sharing a room with one other girl, and we’d only recently met but were becoming great friends. She kind enough to allow by BF from back home to come stay in our one tiny room for a week long visit.
Well, my beloved came up by bus on the very weekend our two adjacent dorm buildings had been having a fire alarm war. For the unfamiliar, this means a person from building A sneaks into building B in the middle of the night and pulls the fire alarm. Sirens blare in each and every room and everyone must evacuate the building until the campus fire department comes and resets the alarm.
Our first night together in the same bed in months, we waited until my roommate was definitely asleep and we began to ever so slowly snuggle together, getting closer and closer. It was at the exact moment our under-the-covers snuggling crossed the line into “official sex” that the light above the door started flashing and those piercing teeth-gnashing sirens began screaming. I believe I literally felt my BF shrink out and away. We had to pull ourselves together (apart I mean) and pretend to be half asleep like my roommate as we were herded down the stairs and outside into the cold. Needless to say, my BF was a very jumpy guy every time I wanted him to be a very humpy guy after that!
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Submitted by Rob, Age 30, Tulsa, OK
This is a little different than most HNTGL stories in that this was mid-relationship, but I figured you might appreciate a fairly spectacular malfunction.
So I got into a relationship with a kind, bubbly girl, and since we were very into each other we got to the deed very quickly.
Unfortunately I learned very quickly that we had a very interesting physical incompatibility… my penis is definitely on the large side, while her vagina was remarkably small. Sure, I could fit inside and move around and she seemed to enjoy things, but it was so unbelievably tight I was having some trouble keeping things under control for as long as I’d like, so to speak.
Since the problem was physical, doing math problems or imagining Bea Arthur naked wasn’t cutting it. I needed outside help, and so I swallowed my pride and turned to climax control condoms.
Now, I had no idea how climax control condoms worked. Maybe I thought they squeezed the penis at certain pressure points, or possibly summoned the Ejaculation Fairy to sprinkle duration dust on me. Unfortunately, it didn’t occur to me to test them out beforehand. Also, since I was a little embarrassed about the situation, I didn’t actually tell her I was switching brands.
We found ourselves in bed again, and things got to that usually-wonderful point when you know without a shadow of a doubt that happy things are about to happen. I whipped out the condom and began putting it on, but within seconds I learned the secret of climax control condoms — a numbing chemical. I felt like my naughty bits had been shot full of novacaine, and I could barely feel my fingers as I finished rolling it on. Okay, not what I expected, but I would be able to give her a little more pleasure, right?
Unfortunately, she wanted to give me a little more pleasure. Without warning she suddenly went down on me with gusto, which would normally be extremely hot. But five seconds later: “oh crap, why is my mouth going numb?”
The moment was ruined, but fortunately we’ve stayed friends.
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I will be on vacation for the next week. New stories will be posted starting June 13th. Please take this opportunity to engage in any of the following wonderful activities:
1. browse the HNTGL archives and read some of our awesome older stories (Dec, Jan, Feb, Mar, Apr, May)
2. walk away from your computer, stretch your limbs, and engage actively in the world
3. go on a date and get laid (or fail spectacularly, trying to do so)
4. write many new hilarious stories for me so that I will return from vacation to find my Inbox overflowing!
I look forward to more fun soon.
Think sexy thoughts,
Stewart
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Share your story with us this Memorial Day weekend!
Be our 69th story!
CLICK HERE!
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Next week, HowNotToGetLaid.com will post its 50th story. [Make loud joyful noise of your choosing HERE] It’s been an amazing first three and a half months, and I thank all of you for making it so. The last few weeks have been particularly cool as we’ve gotten a terrific review on Jane’s Guide and lots of amazing press. So please take a moment, as the reader, and pat yourselves on the back for helping to put the world’s first website about NOT getting laid on the map …
You done yet? Okay. Cool. Stop patting yourselves please. There’ll be more time for that later. But first …
The lowdown. While HNTGL is exploding, the amount of new stories in my Inbox is … not. After starting with a large backlog of brilliant tales, my supply of stories is starting to run low, and this has me concerned. I’m putting them up faster than I’m getting them in, and that’s no good. So here’s the deal: in order for HNTGL.com to stick around, I need your help.
Here are a few SUPER EASY things you can do right now to help keep the mission alive:
1. SUBMIT A STORY - Everybody’s got a story to share. Hell, you’ve probably got five. Why not share one? Tell us how you screwed up so we can avoid making the same mistake. Sharing is caring!
2. TELL 5 FRIENDS ABOUT HNTGL - More readers = More people to potentially write stories.
3. TELL 50 FRIENDS ABOUT HNTGL - I know you have more than 5 friends.
4. BLOGROLL ME - Got a blog? Link to me!
5. MYSPACE LOVE - Befriend our MySpace page and good things will follow.
6. SUBMIT A STORY - What are you waiting for? Just start typing. It’s not as hard as it sounds. And it’s fun. People have told me it’s cathartic even. If you’ve only got five free minutes, type up a five minute story. Remember, this can be a story about you wanting to have sex but messing it up, it can be about someone else improperly wooing you, it can be a story about a friend, anything! Just go for it!
Thanks for taking action today, and, as always, thanks for reading.
Have a great weekend!
Stewart Fox
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Jody from Chicago is the winner of How Not To Get Laid’s first Valentine’s Story Contest! Her entry, SHIVERS DOWN HIS SPINE, received the highest average rating (4.42) of all six submitted stories as of Valentine’s Eve. It’s a funny cautionary tale which you should all check out if you haven’t. As our winner, Jody gets the How Not To Get Laid T-shirt of her choosing. What a prize!
Thanks to everyone who submitted and everyone who voted. Not bad for our first contest. I promise we’ll get back to our non-Valentine’s stories asap, and I urge you all to keep sending in those stories and keep spreading the word about the site. Thanks again!
A highly tolerable Valentine’s Day to you all!
— SF
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This is the week for Valentine’s Stories, and the first post of our contest is coming up! If you have a Valentine’s story and haven’t submitted yet, you can still do so (click for details). Remember though, the sooner you submit, the sooner your story gets posted, the longer time you have to rack up lots of high votes and tell your friends. Reminder: Judging: honor’s system: rate each story once, and whichever story has the highest rating come Valentine’s Eve is our winner (with more than 10 votes minimum).
So now, without further ado, I bid you enjoy the stories of HNTGL’s first ever Valentine’s Contest!
— Stewart
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(4.62 out of 5)
