Archive for the 'Married Life' Category
Submitted by Random Girl, Age 29, Florida
This is probably a cautionary tale against dating the recently divorced, but there I was in the throes of what could have been a great time in the sack with a guy I had known and liked for years. We were alone, we had been dating for weeks, and we had a great night out… but for whatever reason the "equipment" was not cooperating. Suddenly he piped up with a suggestion. "Barb (not the real name of his ex-wife) used to do this thing…" and he went on to describe and demonstrate this all too familiar routine that apparently worked for her. As much as I wanted to be a good sport, I didn't want to become Barb2, and before my self-editor could stop me I blurted out, "Tell me you aren't asking me to screw you the way your ex-wife screwed you!!" Talk about a mood killer. He left, and that was the end of that night, and our relationship.
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Submitted by Mosa, Age 31, San Francisco, CA
I am an old married lady – almost five years, baby. I am always looking for interesting ways to spice things up (translation: get laid). A while ago, I decided it would be fun to do a strip tease for my husband. Being the nerd that I am, I got a “how to†strip tease book from the public library. I even read it. After a week or so of practice, I felt confident enough to try out my new moves on my man.
I chose a sexy song, established some mood lighting and sat my husband down. I wriggled and squirmed and danced about. I moved slowly and touched my body just like the book told me to. I opened my eyes a few times and was gratified to see my husband smiling and staring back at me. I slowly pulled my shirt over my head letting it get sloppily tangled in my hair. I writhed on the floor as I stretched and pulled at my bra. Damn! I was hot!
As I rose to my feet, I began to unbutton my jeans. I rocked my hips gently back and forth and side-to-side as I shimmied the jeans down over my ass. I let my husband get glimpse of my lacy g-string underneath. As my waistband reached my calves, I gave a dramatic kick and sent my jeans flying across the room in the direction of my husband. My husband, who had been silent up until this point, let out a sharp cry. Wow! I must really be turning him on; he’s not usually a screamer. I must be the sex goddess I always knew I was!
I opened my eyes to take a peak at my husband, expecting to see him ecstatic with lust. Instead he was doubled over clutching his shinbone. It took me a moment to realize what had happened. Some years earlier, my husband had purchased a pocketknife for me. I wore it religiously in the right hip pocket of my jeans. In all my prep prior to dancing, I hadn’t thought to remove the knife. When I sent my jeans flying across the room, my knife had become dislodged. It went hurdling through the air straight into my husband’s shinbone.
I tried to kiss away his pain and go on with my dance, but it was no good. The mood was lost. My husband, and his bruised shin did not appreciate my knife throwing skills. Ah well. It took me years of marriage, but I finally learned that my husband is not a masochist.
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Submitted by Tom, Age 40, Hopkinton, New Hampshire
As a 38 year-old single father, getting back into the dating world was tough enough. Getting laid was even harder. Two years ago, I started dating again, eight months after my ex-wife walked out the door leaving me alone with our two little boys (ages two and six). I knew I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship at that point, but I was lonely, and dammit I was horny! Once the anger, grief, and self-pity subsided, I realized that it had been nine months since I’d gotten laid, and damned if I wasn’t going to change that.
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(Finally, a gritty realistic portrait of married life in the twenty-first century! I’m not usually a fan of lists, but this entry was too good to resist. — SF)
As a married man, I have learned that there are far more ways not to get laid than to get laid. By comparison, as a single guy, you can pretty much fall down and accidentally have sex with someone. You’ll be walking down the street, trip on your shoelace, and find yourself banging your best friend’s girlfriend.
Once you are married, though, the whole sex thing becomes much more challenging. Despite years of having sex, we marrieds still have no idea what we are supposed to do to get it. So every time we do do it, it is some kind of happy accident, like finding a winning lottery ticket, or learning that your Thai hooker doesn’t have AIDS. So I don’t have the slightest idea how to get laid. But as a married man, here are some ways I have found not to get laid:
1) Fart in wife’s face
2) Remark that polygamy seems like a pretty sweet deal
3) Describe wife’s body odor as “soul-wiltingâ€
4) Perform naked jumping jacks
5) Ask, jokingly, if the secret ingredient is horse vomit
6) Remark that wife’s best friend “should probably be gassedâ€
7) Note that wife sweats an awful lot for someone who doesn’t move very much
Ask about doing it with sister-in-law
Any others I am missing?
Submitted by Gary, Age 29, New York
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(4.62 out of 5)
(6 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5)