Archive for the 'Lothario Story' Category
Submitted by “I don’t wanna talk about it,” Age 24, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
I’m not sure how to describe the place. It was a typical street outside a bar that played loud heavy-metal music and was packed with depressed teenager in black, which I was at the time. I was there sharing beers with a friend. While I was still sober, a girl came to talk to me and said she thought I was cute.
I didn’t respond. Not that I was embarrassed or anything, but I didn’t find her very attractive.
In response to my silence she said, “You don’t liked me. Okay,” and left.
Many beers later (and I do mean MANY) I saw the same girl and told my friend “She’s ugly as hell, but I’ll take her.” I tapped my friend on the shoulder and went to talk to her. I don’t think she gave me time to finish a whole sentence before kissing me. After this kiss, she took me by the arm, heading to the corner.
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Submitted by Meagan, Age 24, New Orleans
Back in college I was dating this total alcoholic (we’ll call him K) whom I was with for 2 years. (Love is definitely blind sometimes.)
Anyway, it’s New Year’s Eve and we went with some friends to a club to celebrate. We’re dancing and everyone is having a good time.
All of a sudden, K grabs my hand and puts it on his package. It’s pretty evident to me that he’s excited. He says, “It’s all for you baby!” I was pretty mortified, especially since he didn’t seem interested in giving my hand back to me and people were staring. I guess that I wasn’t drunk enough or something, but I was pretty annoyed and ended up leaving soon after.
Needless to say, we both slept in our respective beds that night, and a breakup was looming large on the horizon.
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Submitted by Da Man, Age 17
The most stupid thing I’ve ever done. I had a crush on this girl and invited her to a party I gave. I didn’t want to get with her at that party; all I cared about was to have fun, and the funny thing about women is… they love it when you don’t give them all your attention…
Well, at the end of the party, she was pretty much into me, and I brought her to a bus stop where her father was going to pick her up. I was about to kiss her, when her father came, and she wanted to stop the kiss, but I was going into her. The father, a conservative, came out and screamed at me: I should lay my hands off his daughter. I told him to fuck off and continued to kiss her when she slapped me. End of story was that I called her a bitch and then had to run away from her really tall father.
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Submitted by lola harrington, Age 35, Mouseville, FL
it’s the early 90s, and i’m 19 and an undergrad at a college in florida’s capital city. i have broken up with my boyfriend who lived in the same apartment complex, but we still get on really well. so well, in fact, that i hang out at his apartment with his three other roommates. he and i stop sleeping together, but from time to time i sleep with his other two roommates … usually separately. ; )
unfortunately for the third roommate, i’m not into him. he’s overweight, a total loud-mouthed hick, pasty-white, and wore really unattractive glasses. he tried to guilt me into sleeping with him, and then called me a whore when i refused. i explained repeatedly that my involvement with his roommates wasn’t a free-for-all, but a
respectful arrangement that happened when we were available and amenable. guilting me into sex was not going to work, i explained, and neither would flattering me. he STILL didn’t get it. so he tried alcohol.
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Mr. Romance texted me a picture of his penis.
Submitted by Jenny, Age 33, Knoxville
***
He kissed me like he was trying to massage my esophogas with his tongue.
I suddenly remembered I had laundry to do.
Submitted by Deb, Age 23, Michigan
***
He wore pleated pants and no deodorant.
Submitted by Mabel, Age 29, San Francisco
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Submitted by Cara, Age 24, Ventura, CA
Peter and I dated for nearly two months when I was eighteen. Things were going okay, but I was not serious about it and little things, like his arrogance and unique brand of vulgarity, kept stacking up:
1)He took pride in his unearned wealth that came from his parents’ successful ranching business.
2)My friend overheard him say he would never marry outside his race. He’s half Irish and half Mexican. Nevermind that I’m white and never plan to marry–how does a man (especially this one) limit himself that way?
3)He has a disfigured thumb from a childhood tug-o-war accident, and he once stuck it up my pussy and exclaimed “Stumpy thumb, stumpy thumb!”
4)His screenplay… he asked me to proofread it, and the first page looked like a used overnight maxi pad when I finished with it. It was not only riddled with errors, but it was a badly written rip-off of a movie that I love. To finish the task would have been a waste of time.
Those are just a couple examples. It might sound snobby but by the time he offered me a key to his apartment and asked what I wanted to do for Valentine’s Day I knew I couldn’t continue.
I came down with a convenient cold and didn’t see him for two weeks. I didn’t miss him at all and decided to call and end it. He took it pretty well.
A couple weeks went by and I finally got around to his place so we could trade our things back. He invited me in to talk for a minute and once inside he proudly offered me a seat on his brand new futon couch and asked my opinion. “Yep, pretty comfy. Good choice, Peter.” How much did your parents pay for it?
As he kept scooting toward me, I kept scooting away. When he had me cornered against the armrest, he put one arm around me, the other hand on my thigh, and started to kiss me on my cheek and my neck.
I asked him what he was doing, and he said “I just thought we could have goodbye sex.”
“What? I broke up with you because I don’t want to have sex with you anymore!”
“Aww, c’monnnnn, help me break in the new futon. Please?”
Way to go, buddy.
I grabbed my things, returned his tragic screenplay, and wished him luck on his future futon conquests.
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Submitted by “Tall Girl”
I’m 6′3″. He’s 6′2″. We’re making out.
He says, “This is great. You know, I’ve never slept with a girl who is taller than me.”
“Well, you haven’t yet,” I say.
“Oh, I will. Definitely,” he says, his confidence suddenly taking on a creepy tone.
“Really?”
“Oh, yes.”
“And what makes you so sure?” I ask.
“Well, because I’m tall and charming and good looking. And you’re . . . tall . . .”
“Yes? And?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that the way it came out,” he sputters. “It’s just . . .”
“Yes?”
“Well, you’re a big girl, that’s all. And let’s be honest: I doubt that guys like me come along very often for you. Guys of my size, that is . . . Who are interested . . . You know what I mean.”
Unfortunately, I do know what he means. I tell him:
“No, you’re absolutely right. It’s very unusual for me to sleep with a guy as small as you. Unusual and unlikely.”
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Submitted by Evan, Age 22, Connecticut
I was at a bar in New York with my buddy Tim, and he started chatting up this brunette who was — to put it kindly — dumb as paint. She was a party girl though, and amazingly hot, so Tim was definitely interested. In my role as wingman and mischief-maker, I decided to have a little fun and mentioned to the girl that Tim was a porn star. To her credit, she didn’t believe me at first, but Tim and I kept insisting. We created this whole backstory about how he was in town shooting this film and how he had his own line of sex toys with his name on them. Slowly but surely, she started to believe us, and, as she did, she became suddenly VERY interested in Tim.
I couldn’t believe it. Within an hour, she had invited him back to her place. Tim walked out of the bar with the hot brunette on his arm and a smile five miles wide. But in the end, the joke would be on him.
Now, Tim is my friend and a great guy, but — how shall it put this? — he is not exactly a porn star. Amongst our frat Brothers, he had the nickname “Mighty Mouse” (until it was changed to “Speedy Gonzales” our senior year), and, yes, you’ve guessed right about what both of those nicknames refer to. Anyhow, enough said.
Apparently, once Tim and his lady friend got back to her place, they started to get naked and get busy, and (I don’t know the details of exactly how this happened, but…) this dumb brunette very quickly wised up to the fact that the man she was about to have sex with was not, in fact, a porn star. Feeling duped, the brunette became hysterical and demanded that Tim leave her apartment at once. In his hasty departure, he left behind his sweater and his underwear. He had to walk 30 blocks in the freezing cold to get to where we were staying that night. True story.
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Submitted by Teri, Age 24, Hialeah, FL
Juan was a dreamboat in his pictures, and our online flirtation got pretty serious pretty quick. We talked on the phone and planned our date, and he was pitch perfect: confident, cool, and funny. He gave very good phone. He was going to pick me up from my apartment at 6pm, and we were going to go the beach to catch some dinner.
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Submitted by Sally, Age 30, New York, NY
I was on my first date with Cliff. He was a former bad boy with the sort of good looks that had surely led many girls astray. But he’d cleaned up his act in the last decade, at least that was the story: he’d gotten off drugs, gone straight, headed back to school, and gotten his real estate license. Now he was doing quite well for himself as a real estate agent, and seemed like a fine catch.
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Submitted by Sarah, Age 31, Philadelphia, PA
I met this marine biologist (yes, a marine biologist!) on match.com, and he seemed like a real catch: cute, funny, sincere. We exchanged a few emails, then he left town for a month on some research expedition before we could actually meet. While he was away, he emailed me, and I emailed him back. Soon, it got to the point where we were writing each other pretty much every day. It was fun and exciting to have this romantic pen-pal, and we both looked forward to finally meeting once he returned to town.
On date night, he arrived at my apartment ten minutes early. There was a little surprise on my part when I first opened the door. He wasn’t bad-looking exactly, but his internet picture was definitely a best-case scenario. So…no instant fireworks, but that was okay. I felt I had a good guy here, and I needed to give him the benefit of the doubt.
But first, I had to finish getting ready. I excused myself and returned to the bathroom. When I opened the door five minutes later, I found him leaning against the sofa waiting for me — BUCK NAKED.
“I just couldn’t wait any longer,” he said.
I suppose I should have been scared or freaked, but for whatever reason, I just cracked up. He looked ridiculous standing there with his average schlub body, naked as a jaybird. It struck me as really silly, and I could not stop laughing. He got VERY red in the face, colossally embarrassed. For some reason, I said, “no, it’s not you” — but of course it totally was.
He put on his clothes with great speed, and apologized profusely. Neither of us quite knew what to do at that point, so we ended up going to dinner as originally planned. The rest of the date wasn’t technically awful, but his bold disrobing cast a pall of embarrassment over the whole affair, and I was very happy when we skipped desert and said an early goodnight.
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Submitted by Certified Douchebag, Age 19, Pennsylvania
How about this one: You’re dating this girl, and things have been going well. You’ve fooled around naked before, but haven’t had sex yet. You’re thinking it could be any day now.
Then her grandfather dies. She leaves school for a week. She comes back and keeps having other plans, so it takes you forever to see her again. After a long while, she invites you to her dorm, you have a couple beers, and FINALLY you’re making out on her bed. But she’s still kind of sad about the whole grandfather being dead thing. You kiss her and touch her as she talks. Your patience is getting short, your balls blue. She says, “I think my grandfather would have really wanted to see me graduate.”
You say, “I think your grandfather would have really wanted you to take off your shirt.” She says nothing, and because you’re fondling her breasts, you don’t see her eyes, which probably look shocked, not believing you said what you just said. So you go even further, guiding her hand to your crotch, saying “I think your grandfather would have really wanted you to touch my penis too.”
That’s when she tells you to get the fuck out, and you realize how stupid, insensitive, and not at all funny you’ve been. You want to kick yourself in the head. But you don’t, because your legs don’t work that way. So you go back to your room, look at internet porn, and then tell the world about your stupidity on some site about not getting laid.
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(23 votes, average: 4.61 out of 5)