Archive for the 'Icky and/or Gross' Category
Submitted by Cara, Age 24, Ventura, CA
Peter and I dated for nearly two months when I was eighteen. Things were going okay, but I was not serious about it and little things, like his arrogance and unique brand of vulgarity, kept stacking up:
1)He took pride in his unearned wealth that came from his parents’ successful ranching business.
2)My friend overheard him say he would never marry outside his race. He’s half Irish and half Mexican. Nevermind that I’m white and never plan to marry–how does a man (especially this one) limit himself that way?
3)He has a disfigured thumb from a childhood tug-o-war accident, and he once stuck it up my pussy and exclaimed “Stumpy thumb, stumpy thumb!”
4)His screenplay… he asked me to proofread it, and the first page looked like a used overnight maxi pad when I finished with it. It was not only riddled with errors, but it was a badly written rip-off of a movie that I love. To finish the task would have been a waste of time.
Those are just a couple examples. It might sound snobby but by the time he offered me a key to his apartment and asked what I wanted to do for Valentine’s Day I knew I couldn’t continue.
I came down with a convenient cold and didn’t see him for two weeks. I didn’t miss him at all and decided to call and end it. He took it pretty well.
A couple weeks went by and I finally got around to his place so we could trade our things back. He invited me in to talk for a minute and once inside he proudly offered me a seat on his brand new futon couch and asked my opinion. “Yep, pretty comfy. Good choice, Peter.” How much did your parents pay for it?
As he kept scooting toward me, I kept scooting away. When he had me cornered against the armrest, he put one arm around me, the other hand on my thigh, and started to kiss me on my cheek and my neck.
I asked him what he was doing, and he said “I just thought we could have goodbye sex.”
“What? I broke up with you because I don’t want to have sex with you anymore!”
“Aww, c’monnnnn, help me break in the new futon. Please?”
Way to go, buddy.
I grabbed my things, returned his tragic screenplay, and wished him luck on his future futon conquests.
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Submitted by Joseph, Age 21, Massachusetts
Sophomore year. I had been flirting with this totally gorgeous girl in my biochem class for months (let’s call her “Dana”), and that flirting had finally paid off. We went together to a concert on campus and were walking back in the direction of our dorms. We were talking about the strangest places we’d ever hooked up with anyone when we passed this row of hedges. Taking my chance, I asked, “have you ever made out with anyone on the other side of that hedge?”
She smiled and shook her head. “Have you?”
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Submitted by Mindy, Age 33, Hoboken, NJ
Here’s a great way not to get laid, guys: Don’t cut your fingernails. I once went out on a date with a fellow whose fingernails were longer than mine. I even said yes to a second date because he was otherwise so charming. I hoped that by the second date he’d have done some trimming, but no such luck! It was gross. When he tried to get physical, I said “No Way Jose.”
Then there was the guy who didn’t like to shower, but that’s a whole other story. Where do I find these guys?!
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Submitted by Tom, Age 40, Hopkinton, New Hampshire
As a 38 year-old single father, getting back into the dating world was tough enough. Getting laid was even harder. Two years ago, I started dating again, eight months after my ex-wife walked out the door leaving me alone with our two little boys (ages two and six). I knew I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship at that point, but I was lonely, and dammit I was horny! Once the anger, grief, and self-pity subsided, I realized that it had been nine months since I’d gotten laid, and damned if I wasn’t going to change that.
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(The Dangers of Alcohol: Part 3 — where our protagonist once again learns: Screw the sauce or be screwed by the sauce. — SF)
Submitted by TooCool, Age 36, Traverse City, MI
I was in my mid-20s, and thought I was just the coolest bitch ever. Just graduated a prestigious college. Big fish, small pond. I met a guy at work with an ego greater than/equal to mine, and I tried like hell to bag him.
We had had a one-nighter, which, fueled by way too much alcohol, was forgettable. Er, forgotten. I wanted another chance.
Long story short — I had a party at my parents’ house on the lake, about 40 miles from the city. It was a pain in the ass to get him to come all the way out there for the bash, but he did finally show up, with another cool friend.
By the time he arrived, I was so far gone on booze and hash that I made a total ass of myself. I allowed him to degrade my assembled local friends — and I joined in. I was unhinged.
Fast forward an hour or so, I puked all over the place. He and his friend made a hasty retreat while I vomited. I returned to the party to find everyone gone.
How cool is that?
P.S. Ironic ending — I am now happily married to Cool Guy’s childhood best friend — who has let me know in no uncertain terms that NO ONE who actually knows Cool Guy thinks he’s cool. He’s actually a whiny, insecure heroin addict (And the probable reason I don’t remember the one-nighter is because his dick is so small that it was like throwing a hotdog down a hallway).
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Submitted by Dawn, Age 24, NYC
How Not to Get Laid? Simple.
Have the third date right outta the books: Simple sexy dress that wows him, a dab of perfume in the cleavage that’s purposely showing, candlelit dinner, delicious wine, flirtatious talk and under-the-table-teasing… dessert……..
Both hot, both turned on as all hell, you somehow make it back to your place, up the stairs, and as he goes down on you, have him find out with his tongue that you weren’t keeping track of your cycle and you hadn’t noticed that you started to bleed an hour earlier. Is that what was in my panties? Not exactly the wetness he was lookin’ for.
Say good night, Gracie.
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Submitted by Elizabeth, Age 18, Williamsport, PA
I had a big crush on this guy my senior year in high school. The most excruciating part of having this crush on him and seeing him every day was that he was a desperate virgin and constantly complained about his troubles with women, while I tried to get him to like me to no avail. I think the problem was that he thought I was a little too out-there for him.
Anyway, it’s graduation night, I am an experienced alkie, and he wants to get drunk for the first time ever. So, I encourage him to down more rum, while getting very very drunk myself. Later on in the night, he is tanked, and I decide to tell the whole party about how in love with him I am and how I want to take his virginity. By this point he is close to unconscious and dashing to the toilet while I try to comfort him. My friends then decided to lock me in the room where he is about ready to lie down. They tell me he wants to have sex with me. He keeps falling asleep as I attempt to kiss him. I do remember noticing this and giving up. The next day I awake to find out that I crawled up to the bunk bed above him and vomited in my bed – and onto his head.
I had to get an identification card picture taken the next day in order to board a plane, and I still had puke in my hair. My friends still like to point out that the picture on my ID was taken “the day after I tried to date rape Chris.”
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Submitted by Kayla, Age 28, San Francisco
A couple years ago, I met this guy online. He seemed real funny and gave good e-mail. I was excited for our first date. We met at an Italian restaurant, and he looked gorgeous. So far, so good.
“So how was your day?”
Here’s where he screws it up. He starts telling me about going to the doctor that day for an STD test. Yes, that’s right. He made sure to explain that he was 99.99% sure he was fine. He heard from a friend that a girl he was with three years ago now had gonorrhea, and even though he had no symptoms, even though this girl used to be real innocent when she dated him and subsequently turned into a slut, even though he had no real reason to believe he had an STD, he just wanted to make sure. He tried to make this a humorous anecdote, delivering it in an “aren’t I so edgy and ironic to be talking about STDs on a first date” sort of way. He also seemed to think this story showed how uber-responsible and clean he actually was, that it was a real feather in his cap that he’d just gone for an STD test, even though he didn’t really need to.
Was he a bad guy? No. And I’m sorry if I sound judgmental, but the moment he said the word “gonorrhea,” my vagina closed up shop and the game was over. Guys, just remember, no matter how charming you think you are, there are some things you just don’t mention on a first date.
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Submitted by Trevor, Age 20, New Jersey
I got into an accident on my skateboard and broke the fall with my face. Sucked, but I didn’t think too much of it at the time. Later on, I’m making out with my girlfriend, and my tooth comes out in her mouth. Yeah, that kind of killed the mood. Definitely didn’t get laid that night.
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Submitted by Chris, Age 32, Washington D.C.
I felt confident and mature even though I was barely 22. Fresh out of college, I already had my own apartment, and, after lucking into a plum job at John Hancock, I was making twice as much money as any of my friends. All this, and I had just started dating Sarah, who was not just a knockout, but four years my senior. I was dating an older woman – a hot older woman!
But, as I said, I was young and cocky. And horny. That’s why, after three and a half dates, I invited her to my place for a dinner that I would cook. It had been almost two years since I last had sex, I was eager to close to deal, and I thought, what better way to do it than by cooking her dinner? How mature of me!
The only problem was, I was pretty clueless in the kitchen. I called my mom for help (again, how mature!). We went through all my favorite recipes of hers until we settled on one that was easy and sure to impress: her beef and bean stew.
Did it work? Not exactly. Sarah seemed to like the stew, but she didn’t eat much. Stupidly, I encouraged her to eat more, guilting her, saying, “If you like it, eat more. I’ve made so much!” So she ate more. But then she behaved awkwardly for the rest of the night and excused herself before things could really get physical, claiming a major headache. No sex for me.
Sarah and I ended up dating for two years, and eventually I learned that she had actually wanted to have sex with me that first night, but my choice of entree has scuttled our chances. Sarah has a very sensitive digestive system, and such a healthy portion of beans and beef make her fart like nobody’s business. Apparently, my cooking gave her such a bad case of gas – she’d become self-conscious. She spent the whole evening trying to hide her farts from me, and eventually begged off the sex because she knew she wouldn’t be able to control herself with her legs wide open.
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Submitted by Rich, Age 26, Oakland, CA
I was in college and really hot for this girl. We’d hooked up and teetered on the brink of full-blown sex, but the timing of her monthly cycle had prevented us from going all the way. Then I skipped town — more bad timing — for an extended Spring Break in Russia. For the two weeks I was gone, I fantasized about her constantly. We exchanged a couple flirty e-mails. I was crazy with anticipation, and I arranged to see her on the very night I got back. I couldn’t WAIT to get it on with this girl.
Only one thing I hadn’t counted on: jetlag. My last night in St. Petersburg, I partied straight through till morning. My logic was that this would make it easier to sleep on the plane. No such luck. Door to door it was a twenty hour day of travel, and I hardly slept a wink on any of my three flights. I got home barely an hour before I was set to have my date, and I was running on pure adrenaline.
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Submitted by Frustrated Online Dater, Age 27, New York
Attention Online daters… here are some things to avoid:
(6) Telling your potential date that your interests include going out sometimes and staying in sometimes. Surprising, I know, as this does make you sound very unique and very exciting. But more information is required.
(5) Having a profile in which you sound bitter and angry with the world. Once again, shocking that this is not a turn on, I know. Also bad, putting up a photo of you scowling… you would be surprised by how many people actually do this angry, “I am really pissed off” photo thing.
(4) Putting up photos of you and a child who is not yours, but forgetting to write, “not my child”… this can throw a potential suitor off just a little.
(3) Continuing to instant message someone who has turned you down multiple times. By the tenth time that you are rejected, you really should figure out that s/he is not about to change her/his mind. I recently returned to the online scene, and this one man continues to just keep on trying, hoping I’ll have a change of heart. But I haven’t.
(2) Emailing your potential date photos of your highly unattractive genitalia. Yes, some man really did this to me thinking it would work. He emailed me asking if I was impressed. Impressed by how unattractive and horribly pale and pimpled he was? Yes.
(1) Having a photo of you in a wedding dress on your profile with the screen name “AreYouTheOne”? Doesn’t work so well. Who knew?
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(4.74 out of 5)
(19 votes, average: 4 out of 5)