Archive for the 'Icky and/or Gross' Category
Submitted by Too much head, Age 24
This isn’t a story of how not to get laid, this is a story about how not to get laid a second time.
I had a crush on this guy, small one, but a crush. He made me laugh. And he was always talking about how long it’d been since he had sex. So I decided to sleep with him. I offered him a place to stay when he was in town, did a little flirting, and then he was off. He took my pants down, and proceeded to rub the top of his bald head against my vagina. I was not sure how to respond, so I just sort of laid there. Then he started having sex… I’d say with me, but he didn’t look at me, talk to me, pretty much ignored I was there. I started to have a panic attack, so I asked him to stop for a moment. He did. Then he started again. I asked again, for him to stop. He did, then immediately started again. I finally pushed him away, rather freaked out and feeling like a sex doll rather than a person, and told him I was done for the night. He shrugged, and started finishing himself off, on my breasts, while I was crying.
His advances the next morning were met with complete disapproval, and I finally had to be blunt. “I am never sleeping with you again.”
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Submitted by lola, age 35, mouseville, FL
I had been married for eight years when my husband up & left for… I dunno, greener pastures or something. I was a 32yo MILF who’d finished licking her wounds and crying like a whipped puppy, and had found a great 21yo guy online. Before you pass judgment and make all the “cougar” comments, we were together for a year before I reconciled with my husband. I was only hoping for something casual, too, and got a bit more.
We met on the world of internet dating, and he sent me pics of himself when he was in the Israeli army at the age of 18. I thought that the pics were no more than a year old as he’d just moved to the States. We decided on a chain restaurant known for its great drinks, and met. He was easily 45 pounds heavier than in the pics, but I was OK and decided not to bail on him.
I still wasn’t sold all the way through dinner, but then he flipped the Sex Switch and did the whole “Don Juan DeMarco Finger Trick” (just look for the “restaurant scene” and you’ll know what I’m talking about) and we were back off to his place as soon as I screamed, “CHECK, PLEASE!”
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Submitted by “I don’t wanna talk about it,” Age 24, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
I’m not sure how to describe the place. It was a typical street outside a bar that played loud heavy-metal music and was packed with depressed teenager in black, which I was at the time. I was there sharing beers with a friend. While I was still sober, a girl came to talk to me and said she thought I was cute.
I didn’t respond. Not that I was embarrassed or anything, but I didn’t find her very attractive.
In response to my silence she said, “You don’t liked me. Okay,” and left.
Many beers later (and I do mean MANY) I saw the same girl and told my friend “She’s ugly as hell, but I’ll take her.” I tapped my friend on the shoulder and went to talk to her. I don’t think she gave me time to finish a whole sentence before kissing me. After this kiss, she took me by the arm, heading to the corner.
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Submitted by Meagan, Age 24, New Orleans
Back in college I was dating this total alcoholic (we’ll call him K) whom I was with for 2 years. (Love is definitely blind sometimes.)
Anyway, it’s New Year’s Eve and we went with some friends to a club to celebrate. We’re dancing and everyone is having a good time.
All of a sudden, K grabs my hand and puts it on his package. It’s pretty evident to me that he’s excited. He says, “It’s all for you baby!” I was pretty mortified, especially since he didn’t seem interested in giving my hand back to me and people were staring. I guess that I wasn’t drunk enough or something, but I was pretty annoyed and ended up leaving soon after.
Needless to say, we both slept in our respective beds that night, and a breakup was looming large on the horizon.
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Submitted by Lauren, Age 21, Toronto
When I was in my last year of high school, a very sexy older boy asked me out. Naturally, I accepted. It is a mark of prestige, attractiveness and intelligence for a high school girl to be with a university boy.
We began dating. We didn’t go far for months, never getting past ‘first base’. However, I was crazy about him, and he about me. I decided that he was the one I would “lose it” to. And, being an inexperienced virgin, I set out to create the perfect night for us to “physically express our love” (as I delicately described it to my equally inexperienced friends).
I invited him to my home one night when I knew my family would be gone. I went out, bought special underwear, soft sexy music, candles, the whole shtick. It was going to be beautiful and perfect.
Or so I thought.
He came over. I immediately steered him to the bedroom. The carefully planned ambiance tipped him off to my intention. We began kissing and fondling each other, slowly rounding out the bases.
I was pleased that everything was going so well. I was turned on, ready. He began breathing heavily and whispering sexy nothings in my ear.
Then it happened.
He said “I want you so badly”. which, in itself, is not a bad thing to say. Except that he said it in a baby voice. I’m talking five year old with a lisp baby voice: “I want you so badwy”. A little, horny Elmer Fudd. It caught me off-guard, but I decided to ignore it.
I suppose my silence read as an indication that I liked dirty baby talk. He started saying dirtier and dirtier things and I grew more and more disturbed. The deal breaker was “I wanna spwit you open wif my cock”. At that point, I rolled off him and said I was “too nervous” to continue. It seemed like a backhanded way to compliment him and to get out of sex with little explanation. In reality I was just too creeped out and turned off.
For several days, every time we interacted, all I could think about was “I wanna spwit you open wif my cock”.
The relationship didn’t survive.
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Submitted by humiliation express, age 17
let out a loud LOUD ripper TWICE during an important meeting, and i remember the last time it happened, the girl got laughed at, so i left the room, and while leaving, let off a few more. i was too ashamed to return, and now i have to see them all again regularly. oh for shame. fuckin’ wind.
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Submitted by lola harrington, Age 35, Mouseville, FL
it’s the early 90s, and i’m 19 and an undergrad at a college in florida’s capital city. i have broken up with my boyfriend who lived in the same apartment complex, but we still get on really well. so well, in fact, that i hang out at his apartment with his three other roommates. he and i stop sleeping together, but from time to time i sleep with his other two roommates … usually separately. ; )
unfortunately for the third roommate, i’m not into him. he’s overweight, a total loud-mouthed hick, pasty-white, and wore really unattractive glasses. he tried to guilt me into sleeping with him, and then called me a whore when i refused. i explained repeatedly that my involvement with his roommates wasn’t a free-for-all, but a
respectful arrangement that happened when we were available and amenable. guilting me into sex was not going to work, i explained, and neither would flattering me. he STILL didn’t get it. so he tried alcohol.
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Mr. Romance texted me a picture of his penis.
Submitted by Jenny, Age 33, Knoxville
***
He kissed me like he was trying to massage my esophogas with his tongue.
I suddenly remembered I had laundry to do.
Submitted by Deb, Age 23, Michigan
***
He wore pleated pants and no deodorant.
Submitted by Mabel, Age 29, San Francisco
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Submitted by Cara, Age 24, Ventura, CA
Peter and I dated for nearly two months when I was eighteen. Things were going okay, but I was not serious about it and little things, like his arrogance and unique brand of vulgarity, kept stacking up:
1)He took pride in his unearned wealth that came from his parents’ successful ranching business.
2)My friend overheard him say he would never marry outside his race. He’s half Irish and half Mexican. Nevermind that I’m white and never plan to marry–how does a man (especially this one) limit himself that way?
3)He has a disfigured thumb from a childhood tug-o-war accident, and he once stuck it up my pussy and exclaimed “Stumpy thumb, stumpy thumb!”
4)His screenplay… he asked me to proofread it, and the first page looked like a used overnight maxi pad when I finished with it. It was not only riddled with errors, but it was a badly written rip-off of a movie that I love. To finish the task would have been a waste of time.
Those are just a couple examples. It might sound snobby but by the time he offered me a key to his apartment and asked what I wanted to do for Valentine’s Day I knew I couldn’t continue.
I came down with a convenient cold and didn’t see him for two weeks. I didn’t miss him at all and decided to call and end it. He took it pretty well.
A couple weeks went by and I finally got around to his place so we could trade our things back. He invited me in to talk for a minute and once inside he proudly offered me a seat on his brand new futon couch and asked my opinion. “Yep, pretty comfy. Good choice, Peter.” How much did your parents pay for it?
As he kept scooting toward me, I kept scooting away. When he had me cornered against the armrest, he put one arm around me, the other hand on my thigh, and started to kiss me on my cheek and my neck.
I asked him what he was doing, and he said “I just thought we could have goodbye sex.”
“What? I broke up with you because I don’t want to have sex with you anymore!”
“Aww, c’monnnnn, help me break in the new futon. Please?”
Way to go, buddy.
I grabbed my things, returned his tragic screenplay, and wished him luck on his future futon conquests.
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Submitted by Joseph, Age 21, Massachusetts
Sophomore year. I had been flirting with this totally gorgeous girl in my biochem class for months (let’s call her “Dana”), and that flirting had finally paid off. We went together to a concert on campus and were walking back in the direction of our dorms. We were talking about the strangest places we’d ever hooked up with anyone when we passed this row of hedges. Taking my chance, I asked, “have you ever made out with anyone on the other side of that hedge?”
She smiled and shook her head. “Have you?”
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Submitted by Mindy, Age 33, Hoboken, NJ
Here’s a great way not to get laid, guys: Don’t cut your fingernails. I once went out on a date with a fellow whose fingernails were longer than mine. I even said yes to a second date because he was otherwise so charming. I hoped that by the second date he’d have done some trimming, but no such luck! It was gross. When he tried to get physical, I said “No Way Jose.”
Then there was the guy who didn’t like to shower, but that’s a whole other story. Where do I find these guys?!
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Submitted by Tom, Age 40, Hopkinton, New Hampshire
As a 38 year-old single father, getting back into the dating world was tough enough. Getting laid was even harder. Two years ago, I started dating again, eight months after my ex-wife walked out the door leaving me alone with our two little boys (ages two and six). I knew I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship at that point, but I was lonely, and dammit I was horny! Once the anger, grief, and self-pity subsided, I realized that it had been nine months since I’d gotten laid, and damned if I wasn’t going to change that.
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(12 votes, average: 3.83 out of 5)