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How Not to Get Laid

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Archive for the 'Humiliation' Category

Doing It In The Bathroom

Posted: April 17th, 2008

1 comment;

Submitted by lola, age 35, mouseville, FL

I had been married for eight years when my husband up & left for… I dunno, greener pastures or something. I was a 32yo MILF who’d finished licking her wounds and crying like a whipped puppy, and had found a great 21yo guy online. Before you pass judgment and make all the “cougar” comments, we were together for a year before I reconciled with my husband. I was only hoping for something casual, too, and got a bit more.

We met on the world of internet dating, and he sent me pics of himself when he was in the Israeli army at the age of 18. I thought that the pics were no more than a year old as he’d just moved to the States. We decided on a chain restaurant known for its great drinks, and met. He was easily 45 pounds heavier than in the pics, but I was OK and decided not to bail on him.

I still wasn’t sold all the way through dinner, but then he flipped the Sex Switch and did the whole “Don Juan DeMarco Finger Trick” (just look for the “restaurant scene” and you’ll know what I’m talking about) and we were back off to his place as soon as I screamed, “CHECK, PLEASE!”

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If I May Quote Christina Aguilera For A Moment Here …

Posted: April 9th, 2008

2 comments so far

Submitted by James, Age 29

This story is not nearly as funny as most on this site, but I think it’s got something important to say.

I was dating this girl, Tina. She was amazing. Big brown eyes, long blonde hair, hourglass figure. Not only was she beautiful, but she was well-spoken, sweet and intelligent. Even after a couple of dates, I was falling for her. Hard.

One thing bothered me though. At every meal, she would order a salad and water and bust out her diet book to write down absolutely everything she touched to her lips. She even wrote down the number of popcorn kernels she ate when we went to the movies! I asked her why she did this and she said that it was just to keep tabs on what she ate. I thought it was weird, as she was an athletic-looking trim girl, but I let it go.

About a month after I first saw her, I knew that it was going to be “THE NIGHT” when I picked her up. We had a sexually charged dinner and I was just aching to get the bill and get out of there to take this goddess home with me.

I brought her back to my apartment and started kissing her right away, moving straight to my bedroom. She undid my pants and pulled off my shirt. I started to unzip her dress, but then she jumped up to turn off the lights. She got back into bed, and I unzipped her dress. She squirmed out of it and dove under the covers.

I put my hand onto her belly. “Please don’t touch me there” she whispered. I slid my hands down her thigh. “Please, not there.” Her arms. Everywhere.

I got off her and asked her how I was supposed to make love to her if she didn’t let me touch her. She burst into tears about what a “fat cow” she was and how she didn’t want me to see her disgusting “rolls”. It made me so sad to see such a gorgeous wonderful girl so crippled by her low self-esteem.

I spent the rest of the night hugging her close and letting her cry. I’m still with her, and I’m really glad that we didn’t have sex that night because it was the most intimate thing either of us had ever done.

Trust me, ladies, you’re beautiful. There is nothing more beautiful than a naked woman, no matter what she weighs, no matter what her flaws are. From pin-thin to rubanesque, have confidence in yourself and your body and don’t let your weight control you.

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50 Votes | Average: 4.64 out of 550 Votes | Average: 4.64 out of 550 Votes | Average: 4.64 out of 550 Votes | Average: 4.64 out of 550 Votes | Average: 4.64 out of 5 (50 votes, average: 4.64 out of 5)
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The Sauced Stag

Posted: April 2nd, 2008

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Submitted by Rolf, Age 25, UK

It was my brothers stag do. A weekend of getting extremely drunk and a chance to chat up different women in a city I’d never been to before. I’m from a small village so you tend to chat up and get rejected by all the girls pretty quickly. I hadn’t had any action for a while and was starting to riled about it. You know it’s a lean spell when your mates start taking the piss out of you.

The first night was a good laugh, everyone getting extremely drunk, and the next day continued in a similar fashion. It came to the last, and we all went out for a quick bite to eat and then on to the hot spots of the town. We ended up in a super club. Five floors full of different music and about 2000 plus people. I couldn’t fail. I didn’t. We were all dancing (well, if that’s what you call it) when I noticed this not-too-bad-looking bird eyeing me up. I’m thinking “hello,” and the next thing you know, we are getting off with each other. Now, pulling on any stag, especially ones away, is legendary.

The bird then goes to me, “lets go back to mine,” then for some reason I will never know, I suddenly thought, “I don’t have a condom!!” I leave the bird and run ’round the club trying to find my mates, and when I do, they all give me a look of fright. The sight of me, shirt half un-buttoned and sweating frantically, asking for a condom, must’ve, I’m sure, amused them. I eventually manged to harrange some spare change out of one of them and grab some out of the machines.

We then left the club and started to walk back to hers. Then, bizarrely, she insisted on stopping off at the hotel she worked at. We called a taxi and then got back to hers, by which time I was really starting to feel the effects of the weekend’s boozing. We made it into her bedroom, but it was an impossible mission, adding to that about ten text’s asking for mobile phone pictures, and I was done. We fondle around for a bit, but I think I was a big disappointment to her. I said to her at one point, “ I want to do you from behind,” to which she replied, no chance.

I woke in the morning and thought perhaps some better luck, but she was having none of it, and as she went to make a cup of coffee I snuck out the door. Lost in a city I had never been in before, it took me two hours to get home.

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8 Votes | Average: 4.13 out of 58 Votes | Average: 4.13 out of 58 Votes | Average: 4.13 out of 58 Votes | Average: 4.13 out of 58 Votes | Average: 4.13 out of 5 (8 votes, average: 4.13 out of 5)
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It Comes With the Package

Posted: March 30th, 2008

1 comment;

Submitted by Meagan, Age 24, New Orleans

Back in college I was dating this total alcoholic (we’ll call him K) whom I was with for 2 years. (Love is definitely blind sometimes.)

Anyway, it’s New Year’s Eve and we went with some friends to a club to celebrate. We’re dancing and everyone is having a good time.

All of a sudden, K grabs my hand and puts it on his package. It’s pretty evident to me that he’s excited. He says, “It’s all for you baby!” I was pretty mortified, especially since he didn’t seem interested in giving my hand back to me and people were staring. I guess that I wasn’t drunk enough or something, but I was pretty annoyed and ended up leaving soon after.

Needless to say, we both slept in our respective beds that night, and a breakup was looming large on the horizon.

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7 Votes | Average: 2.43 out of 57 Votes | Average: 2.43 out of 57 Votes | Average: 2.43 out of 57 Votes | Average: 2.43 out of 57 Votes | Average: 2.43 out of 5 (7 votes, average: 2.43 out of 5)
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Gastastic

Posted: March 17th, 2008

No comments yet

Submitted by humiliation express, age 17

let out a loud LOUD ripper TWICE during an important meeting, and i remember the last time it happened, the girl got laughed at, so i left the room, and while leaving, let off a few more. i was too ashamed to return, and now i have to see them all again regularly. oh for shame. fuckin’ wind.

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22 Votes | Average: 1.73 out of 522 Votes | Average: 1.73 out of 522 Votes | Average: 1.73 out of 522 Votes | Average: 1.73 out of 522 Votes | Average: 1.73 out of 5 (22 votes, average: 1.73 out of 5)
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Story #100: That’s What Locks Are For

Posted: February 15th, 2008

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(Rejoice, readers! We have finally hit our 100th story! This one’s from Michelle, who had a story posted earlier this week. This tale is just as good as her first, and I think you will enjoy it.–SF)

Submitted by Michelle, Age 20, California

I am at a pool party. I am single for the first time in two years and flirting with everyone. We are having dinner inside, so everyone takes turns going to the changing room and then going inside. I let myself be last, and when I think everyone has gone to the house already, I go to change. It is starting to get cold, so I run in the room and shut the door — not realizing I am not alone. It is actually an ex that I still had a thing for, and he is naked. We both stare at each other for a minute, and then it becomes apparent he still has a thing for me too. So we start making out, and we get turned around so that he is against the door. I am just about to take my swimsuit off when he moves over a bit and hits the latch holding the door shut. The door swings wide open, and he would have fallen backwards except that some of my friends have come to see what’s taking me so long, and he lands right in their arms. He is embarrassed and grabs his clothes and leaves in a hurry. Not only did I not get laid, but I have to live with everyone talking about it for a month.

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19 Votes | Average: 4.42 out of 519 Votes | Average: 4.42 out of 519 Votes | Average: 4.42 out of 519 Votes | Average: 4.42 out of 519 Votes | Average: 4.42 out of 5 (19 votes, average: 4.42 out of 5)
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Above Board, Above Belt, Beyond Stupid

Posted: February 2nd, 2008

2 comments so far

Submitted by J. Wordsworth, Age 26, Seattle

I was a freshman in high school. I was 6′3″, skinny, wore glasses and took AP and honors classes. As you can imagine, I was completely inept when it came to girls. Utterly incompetent. I was incapable of saying anything remotely intelligent. I was also painfully aware of how awkward I was, which was a vicious cycle as far as my penis was concerned.

In my biology class I noticed this girl. She was attractive, and more importantly, she talked to me. More accurately, she had to talk to me as she was my lab partner. She was into drama and also ballet. I didn’t know why I was drawn to a girl with demonstrated flexibility at the time; I just vaguely knew that it was good for a girl to be flexible (probably natural male instinct). She also had a car. And a license. I was 15 and had neither. Perfect scenario for me.

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30 Votes | Average: 4.5 out of 530 Votes | Average: 4.5 out of 530 Votes | Average: 4.5 out of 530 Votes | Average: 4.5 out of 530 Votes | Average: 4.5 out of 5 (30 votes, average: 4.5 out of 5)
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Dirty Boy is All Thumbs

Posted: December 4th, 2007

7 comments so far

Submitted by lola harrington, Age 35, Mouseville, FL

it’s the early 90s, and i’m 19 and an undergrad at a college in florida’s capital city. i have broken up with my boyfriend who lived in the same apartment complex, but we still get on really well. so well, in fact, that i hang out at his apartment with his three other roommates. he and i stop sleeping together, but from time to time i sleep with his other two roommates … usually separately. ; )

unfortunately for the third roommate, i’m not into him. he’s overweight, a total loud-mouthed hick, pasty-white, and wore really unattractive glasses. he tried to guilt me into sleeping with him, and then called me a whore when i refused. i explained repeatedly that my involvement with his roommates wasn’t a free-for-all, but a
respectful arrangement that happened when we were available and amenable. guilting me into sex was not going to work, i explained, and neither would flattering me. he STILL didn’t get it. so he tried alcohol.

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37 Votes | Average: 4.19 out of 537 Votes | Average: 4.19 out of 537 Votes | Average: 4.19 out of 537 Votes | Average: 4.19 out of 537 Votes | Average: 4.19 out of 5 (37 votes, average: 4.19 out of 5)
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Tim’s Tiny Lie

Posted: July 31st, 2007

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Submitted by Evan, Age 22, Connecticut

I was at a bar in New York with my buddy Tim, and he started chatting up this brunette who was — to put it kindly — dumb as paint. She was a party girl though, and amazingly hot, so Tim was definitely interested. In my role as wingman and mischief-maker, I decided to have a little fun and mentioned to the girl that Tim was a porn star. To her credit, she didn’t believe me at first, but Tim and I kept insisting. We created this whole backstory about how he was in town shooting this film and how he had his own line of sex toys with his name on them. Slowly but surely, she started to believe us, and, as she did, she became suddenly VERY interested in Tim.

I couldn’t believe it. Within an hour, she had invited him back to her place. Tim walked out of the bar with the hot brunette on his arm and a smile five miles wide. But in the end, the joke would be on him.

Now, Tim is my friend and a great guy, but — how shall it put this? — he is not exactly a porn star. Amongst our frat Brothers, he had the nickname “Mighty Mouse” (until it was changed to “Speedy Gonzales” our senior year), and, yes, you’ve guessed right about what both of those nicknames refer to. Anyhow, enough said.

Apparently, once Tim and his lady friend got back to her place, they started to get naked and get busy, and (I don’t know the details of exactly how this happened, but…) this dumb brunette very quickly wised up to the fact that the man she was about to have sex with was not, in fact, a porn star. Feeling duped, the brunette became hysterical and demanded that Tim leave her apartment at once. In his hasty departure, he left behind his sweater and his underwear. He had to walk 30 blocks in the freezing cold to get to where we were staying that night. True story.

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Her Over-the-Shoulder Boulder Holder

Posted: July 20th, 2007

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(After an unexpectedly slow month, I’ve gotten a few good stories in my inbox this week. Here’s a tale I like a lot, and it should serve as a reminder that one needn’t have personally experienced an HNTGL moment to share it with the world. Please do keep those stories coming in and keep spreading the word about my mission [Thanks to all the new folks who have blogrolled me in the last few months! You rule!]. Remember, I can only post stories when I’m getting them in, so click HERE to share yours today. Okay, enough guilt-tripping, you know I love you all. On with the show! — SF)

Submitted by the friend-of-a-friend, Age 29, NYC

There are always these urban legend stories that “happened to a friend-of-a-friend”, but couldn’t possibly *really* be true. This is one of those stories.

Basically, she meets a guy. They go on a date. Maybe a few. Things are going well. They wind up at her place. Making out. He goes for her bra… and…

HE TRIES TO TAKE HER BRA OFF OVER HER HEAD.

To hear her tell it, this was not one of those front-clasp deals that we understand guys might get a little confused by. Just standard issue; it apparently just never occurred to him that the darn things fasten in the back. Or at all, really.

Boys, don’t try this at home. She mercifully refrained from laughter and unhooked it herself, but not before he nearly threw her neck out.

Needless to say, the night ended early, and she never went out with him again.

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What Goes Up . . .

Posted: July 5th, 2007

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Submitted by Brian, Age 24, Boston, MA

I’m in college. Diane is the hottest girl I’ve ever dated, and things couldn’t be going better. Tonight is gonna be the night we finally have sex, I just know it! We meet for dinner and drinks. She’s looking fine and so am I. My best friend Becca helped me pick out these uber cool linen pants and I’m wearing my silk boxers for the occasion. Pretty soon, though, I realize the problem with this outfit. I’ve got a hard on that just won’t quit, and there is absolutely NO WAY to hide it. The more I try to talk myself down, the harder I get. We leave dinner and walk across campus. I’m dancing like Michael Jackson to try not to let Diane or anyone else notice the all too obvious bulge in my loose thin slacks.

We hit up a party. There will be many people I know there. This is going to be a disaster. As soon as we enter the door, I manage to slip into a bathroom and take a moment to myself. I’ve tried talking my little friend down, I’ve tried a few drinks. Utterly out of options, I decide to take matters into my own hands and I discreetly whack off into the toilet. There. Problem solved. I wait till my friend is grounded and I reemerge into the party.

But suddenly Diane doesn’t want to stay at the party anymore. She wants to head back to her room. I oblige. Can you see where this is going yet? That’s right. We get undressed, ready to have sex, and I . . . can’t. My drinking has turned me into a one shot wonder, and that one shot was fired back in the bathroom by myself. The ensuing battle with the gods of refractory vengeance was ugly at best. What could I say to Diane? Every excuse sounded lame and was. To make matters worse, this ended up being our last date. I never got a chance to prove to Diane that I actually wasn’t the world’s worst lover. I’ve never been more embarrassed in my life.

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A Man in Dolphin’s Clothing

Posted: May 23rd, 2007

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Submitted by Sarah, Age 31, Philadelphia, PA

I met this marine biologist (yes, a marine biologist!) on match.com, and he seemed like a real catch: cute, funny, sincere. We exchanged a few emails, then he left town for a month on some research expedition before we could actually meet. While he was away, he emailed me, and I emailed him back. Soon, it got to the point where we were writing each other pretty much every day. It was fun and exciting to have this romantic pen-pal, and we both looked forward to finally meeting once he returned to town.

On date night, he arrived at my apartment ten minutes early. There was a little surprise on my part when I first opened the door. He wasn’t bad-looking exactly, but his internet picture was definitely a best-case scenario. So…no instant fireworks, but that was okay. I felt I had a good guy here, and I needed to give him the benefit of the doubt.

But first, I had to finish getting ready. I excused myself and returned to the bathroom. When I opened the door five minutes later, I found him leaning against the sofa waiting for me — BUCK NAKED.

“I just couldn’t wait any longer,” he said.

I suppose I should have been scared or freaked, but for whatever reason, I just cracked up. He looked ridiculous standing there with his average schlub body, naked as a jaybird. It struck me as really silly, and I could not stop laughing. He got VERY red in the face, colossally embarrassed. For some reason, I said, “no, it’s not you” — but of course it totally was.

He put on his clothes with great speed, and apologized profusely. Neither of us quite knew what to do at that point, so we ended up going to dinner as originally planned. The rest of the date wasn’t technically awful, but his bold disrobing cast a pall of embarrassment over the whole affair, and I was very happy when we skipped desert and said an early goodnight.

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