A Golden Oldie

College, Crazy Suitor, Drugs/Alcohol, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Icky and/or Gross, Virginity 5 Responses »
Aug 102008

Submitted by Cleanup man, Age 49, Denver suburbs

Just found this site and thought I’d confess a story that NOBODY knows. It happened freshman year of college.

We went to another school to meet girls and one came back to my dorm room with me. I was a virgin when I went off to college but had been doing pretty well in catching up to my slow start.

We had been drinking heavily and the last thing I recall is sitting down on the bed with her.

When I awoke from my drunken stupor in the morning, she was gone. My underwear was gone, yet my jeans were fully zipped and buttoned.

As I puzzled through that concept, I turned and looked at my dorm floor and there sat a pile of feces in a large golden pool.

I have no idea what the hell happened or why she crapped on my floor. But I sure cleaned it up before my roommate got back.

Posted by StewFox at 8:58 am

Funny Is on the Body of the Beholder

Crazy Suitor, Drugs/Alcohol, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Lothario Story, Travel 3 Responses »
Jul 282008

Submitted by C, Age 27, Europe

So I had been traveling for a couple of months, kinda slumming it, and hadn’t been laid in a while. It was beginning to grate, getting to that stage where desperation was soon to follow. Then, a new girl showed up at the hostel-come-beach house where I’d been staying for a couple of days. She was cute, killer accent, and, most importantly, seemed pretty loose. I spent the next three or four days alternatively trying to woo her then surprise sex her. Progress was limited.

Finally, one night after a tantalizing water fight with wet t-shirts, we did a little kissing in the club. She told me she liked me but that I was getting too wasted every night. I promised I’d take it easy on the booze and show her a good time. We wandered back to the house and chatted a little on the veranda. Critically, we had a few more drinks. Then, she announced she was going to bed. She walked toward her room, gave me a meaningful look that I felt in my pants, and went in, leaving the door ajar behind her. I could see her pulling off some clothes as she got into bed.

I walked to her doorway.
I was pretty excited.
But I was pretty drunk.
I stubbed my foot on a litre bottle of water.
I had a funny idea.
She rolled over in the bed when I came in. I could see she was naked. I soaked her with a litre of cold water.

Two minutes later I was back outside her door again. This time it was closed. And locked. And the desperation settled in nicely for the foreseeable future.

Posted by StewFox at 2:13 pm

Is That A Wallet In Your Pocket? Or Not?

Cars, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, On Being Good No Responses »
Jul 212008

Submitted by Mark, Age 50, Michigan

After my divorce when I was 27, I moved back in with my parents so I could get back on my feet. I started hanging out at a bar across town near where I worked. I made real good friends with the bar maid after a few weeks. We used to play darts when nobody was in the bar later at night. I could tell she was into me as much as I was into her.

She got off early from work one night and suggested we take our relation to the next level. Since she was a single parent we couldn’t go back to her place because the babysitter was her sister, and my parents just wouldn’t understand. We decided to go to a motel on the other side of the river.

As we were crossing the bridge, my car hit a pothole and dented the tire rim enough to cause the tire to go flat. I pulled over and got out to change the tire during a pouring rain storm. 15 minutes later we were back on the road and heading to the motel. Once we got there I went in to get a room when I reached for my wallet I found it wasn’t in my pocket. It must have fallen out when I was changing the tire. I had no money and I couldn’t ask this hot looking woman to pay.

When I got back into the car and told her what had happened, she looked at me with this very sexy sad face and said maybe another time then because she had to get home to her children. On our way back, I stopped where I fixed the tire and found my wallet right where it fell out of my pocket. She leaned over the seat in the car and kissed my cheek and said maybe next time.

Posted by StewFox at 12:08 pm

Penis Spam I Am

Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Online, Stewart Fox 4 Responses »
May 252008

Submitted by Stewart Fox, Age 29, Los Angeles

After a wonderful April and a spectacular March, May has been strangely silent here at HNTGL. Just when I started to think that more and more people were visiting the site and submitting stories, the flow of new material suddenly and mysteriously stopped. Why? I’m not sure. I’ve long since given up trying to understand the logic behind when people submit stories and when they don’t.

But as I wait for my readers to once again share their tales of intrigue and humor, I thought I’d submit an entry myself. You see, my inbox hasn’t exactly been empty these past few weeks. I’ve had quite a lot of e-mail — only, of the spam variety. Spam irks me because I don’t understand it. Can spam actually be successful? Do spammers actually make money? How? Who, in this day and age, is foolish enough to actually give a spammer their money? The nonsensical spam irks me the most, the random letters and words that don’t even attempt to sell any bogus products, the meaningless sludge that pollutes without purpose.

But the most amusing spam is the penis spam. And that stuff seems very much in the spirit of this website. For anyone who actually responds to such spam is clearly barking up a tree that is planted in Notgettinglaidanytimethiscenturyville, USA. So, without further ado, some penis spam subject lines that I’ve received this year:

Continue reading »

Posted by StewFox at 9:52 pm

Watch The Mouth

Drugs/Alcohol, Foot In Mouth, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid 2 Responses »
Apr 202008

Submitted by Anon, Age 20, UK

I’ve always been a bit shite with girls. In my 20 years of life I’ve slept with only two girls, one of which was more of a “was mounted by a whale” than a proper lay.

I broke up with my ex about 15 months ago now. I haven’t had sex in the last 16 months or so.

So that’s the backstory over and done with. Now, I’m a beatboxer, which (for those who don’t know) means imitating sounds, mainly percussion instruments, with one’s mouth. This also gives me access to the single finest chat up line in existence.

At a house party there was a stunner showing a very real interest in me. I danced around with her (about as well as a lanky white boy can anyway) and did some beatboxing for her. Ten minutes of beatboxing later and she’s obviously impressed. “That’s amazing” she says, “how can you do all of that?”

“Well, you know what they say about us beatboxers”, I replied. “We’re good with out mouths”.

That should have been the end of it, but I was drunk.

“I bet you are”, she said with a wink. “You’ll have to show–”

But she was interrupted by me suddenly bursting out into loud laughter, incoherently babbling about us beatboxers also having big willies, before I walked off giggling to get another drink.

Posted by StewFox at 2:32 pm

She Played Annoying To Get

Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, On Being Good, Online 9 Responses »
Apr 132008

Submitted by Oblivious, Age 26, The Netherlands

I met this pretty young girl at sports, but didn’t really pay her much attention. We basically never said a word to each other for half a year, maybe a year or so. Then one evening, the group went out to a club, and all of the sudden, she came on to me quite aggressively. There was some close/erotic dancing, some kissing, but then she had to go, as she had to ride home with somebody.

Continue reading »

Posted by StewFox at 5:24 pm

If I May Quote Christina Aguilera For A Moment Here ...

Guy Story - No Sex for Girl, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Humiliation, Melancholy 10 Responses »
Apr 092008

Submitted by James, Age 29

This story is not nearly as funny as most on this site, but I think it’s got something important to say.

I was dating this girl, Tina. She was amazing. Big brown eyes, long blonde hair, hourglass figure. Not only was she beautiful, but she was well-spoken, sweet and intelligent. Even after a couple of dates, I was falling for her. Hard.

One thing bothered me though. At every meal, she would order a salad and water and bust out her diet book to write down absolutely everything she touched to her lips. She even wrote down the number of popcorn kernels she ate when we went to the movies! I asked her why she did this and she said that it was just to keep tabs on what she ate. I thought it was weird, as she was an athletic-looking trim girl, but I let it go.

About a month after I first saw her, I knew that it was going to be “THE NIGHT” when I picked her up. We had a sexually charged dinner and I was just aching to get the bill and get out of there to take this goddess home with me.

I brought her back to my apartment and started kissing her right away, moving straight to my bedroom. She undid my pants and pulled off my shirt. I started to unzip her dress, but then she jumped up to turn off the lights. She got back into bed, and I unzipped her dress. She squirmed out of it and dove under the covers.

I put my hand onto her belly. “Please don’t touch me there” she whispered. I slid my hands down her thigh. “Please, not there.” Her arms. Everywhere.

I got off her and asked her how I was supposed to make love to her if she didn’t let me touch her. She burst into tears about what a “fat cow” she was and how she didn’t want me to see her disgusting “rolls”. It made me so sad to see such a gorgeous wonderful girl so crippled by her low self-esteem.

I spent the rest of the night hugging her close and letting her cry. I’m still with her, and I’m really glad that we didn’t have sex that night because it was the most intimate thing either of us had ever done.

Trust me, ladies, you’re beautiful. There is nothing more beautiful than a naked woman, no matter what she weighs, no matter what her flaws are. From pin-thin to rubanesque, have confidence in yourself and your body and don’t let your weight control you.

Posted by StewFox at 8:42 am

At Least Someone Got Off

Cars, Drugs/Alcohol, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Icky and/or Gross, Lothario Story, Virginity 9 Responses »
Apr 062008

Submitted by “I don’t wanna talk about it,” Age 24, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

I’m not sure how to describe the place. It was a typical street outside a bar that played loud heavy-metal music and was packed with depressed teenager in black, which I was at the time. I was there sharing beers with a friend. While I was still sober, a girl came to talk to me and said she thought I was cute.

I didn’t respond. Not that I was embarrassed or anything, but I didn’t find her very attractive.

In response to my silence she said, “You don’t liked me. Okay,” and left.

Many beers later (and I do mean MANY) I saw the same girl and told my friend “She’s ugly as hell, but I’ll take her.” I tapped my friend on the shoulder and went to talk to her. I don’t think she gave me time to finish a whole sentence before kissing me. After this kiss, she took me by the arm, heading to the corner.

Continue reading »

Posted by StewFox at 3:34 pm
Older Entries Newer Entries
© 2010 How Not To Get Laid Suffusion WordPress theme by Sayontan Sinha