Submitted by Marcus, Age 36, Florida

While living in Hogtown, I had a good friend who happened to be quite hot, who I had an off and on thing for. We were good friends, and both of us valued that, which made it tough and awkward during those moments when ‘the urge’ would strike.

Two of these moments are worthy of a telling. Hers first. One late night, after I had gotten home from work, I was settling down for a bit of chatting on IRC and some gaming. It was a boggy but not totally unpleasant Florida night, so I had opted to open my windows rather than run the air. I had just smoked a bowl which made me a bit jumpy, when there was a sharp rap on my door. Paranoia set in as I thought who the hell could that be at this time, but it was none other than my good friend. In a short, black, ‘do me’ outfit. She was a very hot buzzed chick looking for some action.

Continue reading »

Submitted by FilmFan, Age 27, Atlanta, GA

So I go out to see my friend’s band at a venue that was a few blocks from my house. Afterward, a few of the band members come over and bring some of their friends. We have a few drinks, and as the night goes on, people gradually trickle out. Eventually, the only people left are me, my roommate, and this girl I slightly know who sometimes hangs out with the band. I start getting the impression that the girl is hitting on me (and so does my roommate, who discreetly goes to bed to leave us alone).

After a while, she comes over and sits on my lap. At this point, I’m kind of lukewarm about whether I want to sleep with this girl or not. I’m not really that attracted to her, but I’m drunk and it’s been a while. I decide what the hell, I’ll sleep with her. We were watching CNN or something on TV, which is kinda distracting when you’re making out, so I pick up the remote and change to some random channel.

She looks up and says “Is that Timecop 2?”

Snickering, I look up the show on the TV Guide channel and, sure enough, it’s Timecop 2. I start laughing and say “Do you actually like this movie?”

She says, in all earnestness, “It’s good, but not as good as the first one.”

I’m like “You mean you liked Timecop? The Jean Claude van Damme movie? From like 10 years ago?”

And she says “Yeah, I love Van Damme. I just wish they could have gotten him to do Timecop 2.”

I start laughing, trying to hide my condescension. We make out for a while longer, but I can’t get over the whole JCVD thing. This girl is not for me, I keep thinking. After a while, I stand up, give her a kiss on the cheek, tell her that she can sleep on the couch if she’s too drunk to drive, and go to sleep. I never saw her again.

Submitted by Charlie, Age 38, Houston

I worked at a business software company for 8 years as Network Administrator, and during that time successfully bedded about half of the female personnel; surprisingly, I still had a pretty good reputation, which I attributed to my being honest with women and treating them right before and after each one-night stand. Hell, I mean they even recommended me to one another.

Then we hired a new receptionist for the main desk, and this chick was dazzling. Beautiful red hair, face like a china doll, hazel eyes, built like a brick shithouse, smart, witty, effervescent personality, everybody loved her from day one. Within two weeks I had her heels on my shoulders at the Marriott, and I seriously thought this girl was The One. I soon learned through the grapevine that she thought the same thing about me.

Continue reading »

Submitted by Blake, Age 28, Toronto

Well, there was this girl I’d known for some time who was pretty cute. A bit odd but alright. We’d flirted on occasion and I knew she was interested but, frankly, I had better prospects at other times. I’d bunked over at her place for a few days between apartments and found out first hand how neurotic she could be, so I should have seen this coming, but oh well. Hindsight…

So there’s a stretch where I’m not with anyone, we end up at the beach together, and she’s looking pretty good. We end up at her family’s beach house and things start getting interesting. Then she tells me that she’s never ”gone all the way” before. Really? ”Yeah” she says, though she’s come close. Ok, well that’s alright, I say. So long as you want this to happen. So we take it from there.

So we’re on the bed ready to go and she glances out the bedroom door. ”Did you leave the light on?” Uh, yeah, sorry. So she gets up, goes out and turns it off. Comes back. ”Please don’t leave the light on.” Ok. ”It wastes power.” Sure, sorry. ”I just want you to remember for next time.” Ok, I will. ”Alright. Don’t forget.”

All of this in a tone like an adult scolding a child. Then she goes back to kissing my neck. Uh, sorry! Not in the mood! Stop! Amazing she’d never gone ”all the way” before. Protip: if you want sex and everything’s ready to go, save the lecture for another time.

Submitted by Clark

I was 23 and in my final year of university. I had a couple classes with this quirky little goth chick who had huge boobs. She worked out like maniac because she loved to ogle herself in corsets, and once she told me that, I figured it would be great to eventually see that myself.

We met up at a diner so that she could help me with the final project in a media course I had been skipping. When we left, she just followed me home without asking or being invited.

I took that as a pretty obvious sign and immediately changed body language on the elevator. On the couch, I just blurted out “you have a nice ass, let me feel it,” and she obligingly stood up and turned around so that I could do so. I proceeded to basically feel up her entire body, and it was pretty nice and erotic.

The I smelled her breath. It smelled like she had a piece of rotting meat stuck in her teeth from a few meals ago. You know that smell you sometimes get on your dental floss that makes you want to vomit? I was immediately turned off.

At the time I was a bit depressed, so I didn’t just get turned off but immediately just wanted to sleep for a few hours and forget the whole situation.

I told her I had to crash immediately, and she said she wanted to take a nap too. Obviously she meant let’s go have sex in your bed, but I acted as if I took her literally, and said, okay, well you hit the couch and that way you don’t have to wake me up as you leave.

That was kind of awkward. I left her in my living room and got into bed naked. After a couple minutes she came in and stood next to my bed. It was so clear that she wanted me to nail her, but I was just so turned off by the breath thing. I considered being honest with her for a moment but I knew that could lead to no good.

So I was lying on my back naked in bed, and this pretty hot little redhead was standing there in the darkness. Suddenly she reached out her hand and started feeling up my arms and shoulders. “You have awesome muscles”, she said. Then she started to slide her hand down my chest towards my stomach. I was completely limp, which if you know me should tell you how oddly turned off I was.

I grabbed her wrist and said I was feeling almost faint I was so tired and if it was okay I was just going to fall asleep right away. She said “uhhhh, okay…” and went for a nap on the couch, I guess either to hold up the pretense or maybe see if I would change my mind and come get her. As soon as I heard her leave about an hour later, I got out of bed and went about my business.

I still feel bad about that, because I actually liked this girl and she was super hot. I also realize that she probably didn’t have bad hygiene in general, just got unlucky. Hell I was probably smelling her stomach acid because she was starving herself for her crazy hot little body.

Damn!

Submitted by James, Age 29

This story is not nearly as funny as most on this site, but I think it’s got something important to say.

I was dating this girl, Tina. She was amazing. Big brown eyes, long blonde hair, hourglass figure. Not only was she beautiful, but she was well-spoken, sweet and intelligent. Even after a couple of dates, I was falling for her. Hard.

One thing bothered me though. At every meal, she would order a salad and water and bust out her diet book to write down absolutely everything she touched to her lips. She even wrote down the number of popcorn kernels she ate when we went to the movies! I asked her why she did this and she said that it was just to keep tabs on what she ate. I thought it was weird, as she was an athletic-looking trim girl, but I let it go.

About a month after I first saw her, I knew that it was going to be “THE NIGHT” when I picked her up. We had a sexually charged dinner and I was just aching to get the bill and get out of there to take this goddess home with me.

I brought her back to my apartment and started kissing her right away, moving straight to my bedroom. She undid my pants and pulled off my shirt. I started to unzip her dress, but then she jumped up to turn off the lights. She got back into bed, and I unzipped her dress. She squirmed out of it and dove under the covers.

I put my hand onto her belly. “Please don’t touch me there” she whispered. I slid my hands down her thigh. “Please, not there.” Her arms. Everywhere.

I got off her and asked her how I was supposed to make love to her if she didn’t let me touch her. She burst into tears about what a “fat cow” she was and how she didn’t want me to see her disgusting “rolls”. It made me so sad to see such a gorgeous wonderful girl so crippled by her low self-esteem.

I spent the rest of the night hugging her close and letting her cry. I’m still with her, and I’m really glad that we didn’t have sex that night because it was the most intimate thing either of us had ever done.

Trust me, ladies, you’re beautiful. There is nothing more beautiful than a naked woman, no matter what she weighs, no matter what her flaws are. From pin-thin to rubanesque, have confidence in yourself and your body and don’t let your weight control you.

Submitted by Joseph, Age 21, Massachusetts

Sophomore year. I had been flirting with this totally gorgeous girl in my biochem class for months (let’s call her “Dana”), and that flirting had finally paid off. We went together to a concert on campus and were walking back in the direction of our dorms. We were talking about the strangest places we’d ever hooked up with anyone when we passed this row of hedges. Taking my chance, I asked, “have you ever made out with anyone on the other side of that hedge?”

She smiled and shook her head. “Have you?”

Continue reading »

Submitted by J.E., Age 33, Seattle

Right after our second hook-up we had a brief discussion. Still laying in bed, this is how the conversation went.

Her: Do you have anything I need to be worried about? (e.g. an STD)

Me: Uh, no. (Wondering where this question is coming from)

Her: Well, you always wear a condom. They irritate my skin.

Me: Are you on the pill?

Her: No…I thought you could just pull out.

Me: Uh, well, you should probably get on the pill then. (Wondering what in the hell this girl is thinking?!)

Her: That’s probably a good idea. I should talk to my doctor.

I’m still not sure what was going through her mind. But this episode screamed entrapment. And I wasn’t going to stick around for a third installment to find out.

© 2010 How Not To Get Laid Suffusion WordPress theme by Sayontan Sinha