How Not to Get Laid

A compendium of coitus rejectus... because we learn more from our failures

A forum for stories about all those amazing sexual encounters you almost had, but didn't.

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Archive for the 'Gay/Lesbian/Bi Stories' Category

Can’t Blame A Man for Trying (?)

Posted: March 8th, 2008

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Submitted by Francoiz, Age 27, The Netherlands

Two days after my 23rd birthday my girlfriend broke up with me. Facing a lonely two week holiday, I went off for a small vacation to Turkey on my own. Near the place I stayed, I found a good Turkish restaurant in which I enjoyed a superb meal and some good beers. A table next to mine was taken by some English people and a man who turned out to be German. All of them were much older then me (in their forties, I guess) but they invited me to join them after dinner. So I did. Drinking beer, having fun, drinking even more beer, having some good discussions, and eventually drinking more beer.

Midnight had passed a few hours ago and I was there sitting in an almost empty restaurant facing another beer and this 43-year-old (big) German when he suddenly announced he was a gay male (I already had noticed he was male, but not that he was gay). I told him I respect everyone, that it didn’t bother me, and that I still enjoyed the conversation we had.

But what came next stunned me in such a way that I can never forget this meeting with this man:

He bends forward a little bit and says: “I can give u a blow if u like “.

I gasped for air and held my chair tight (very tight!). I must have told him about the girlfriend who broke up with me a couple of days earlier. It crossed my mind that he could have meant something else. In Holland, a hash-filled cigarette is called a ‘blow’ or a joint.

I asked: “U mean a blowjob??”

Confirmative.

All I remember is that NOTHING HAPPENED. I walked back to my hotel room, went to sleep, and woke up the next morning with a terrible pain in the HEAD.

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Stymied by the Reverse Madeline Kahn

Posted: May 20th, 2007

5 comments so far

Submitted by Roger, Age 25, Boston, MA

So you know the theory that we're all a certain percentage gay and a certain percentage straight? I subscribe to this theory, and I'd describe myself as mostly straight in a 60%/40% way. This means I'm attracted to pretty much anyone good looking regardless of gender, but (after a brief phase of experimentation in my younger years) I prefer and date only women.

This is not something I advertise when dating women, and I only bring it up after we've been dating a while  — and then, only tactfully. No big deal. Except this one time. Read more »

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The Girl and the Girlfriend and the Girl-on-Girl

Posted: January 17th, 2007

3 comments so far

While I was in college, I was approached by a close friend of mine. She was a very cute girl with a lot of pent-up sexual energy, but you could tell that she hadn’t had much experience. Hell, she broadcast her lack of experience and wore it as a badge of pride, so I was surprised when she approached me.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You?! Phil?! At close to 300 pounds, she may have been attracted to my gravity, but, no — that was the best part about it. She wasn’t coming to talk about me. She was interested in my girlfriend.

“I had a dream about Nadine last night.”

“Really,” I choked, “what kind of dream?”

Read more »

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Sleight of Tired Hand

Posted: December 22nd, 2006

4 comments so far

(When I first got the idea for this website, it never occurred to me that some people out there might literally be looking for ways to avoid getting laid. Enter a formerly closeted gay male friend of mine. I hope you enjoy his story as much as I did. — SF)

Submitted by Nate, Age 28, Chicago

Try being an "ambiguously" gay man your entire life when trying to get with girls. One girl I dated was extremely out of my league. Beautiful. I never brought up sex, but she kept hinting. If I wanted to hide my sexual orientation, I couldn't duck the issue forever.

Out of pure fear from having to have intercourse, I decided upon an alternate strategy. I would make the sex all about her. In a place I liked to call: Every Girl's Fantasy. I would get her off before I ever had to have sex. Well, I went downtown, and, sure enough, she had an orgasm. But afterwards, I think her exact quote was, "please put it in."

I — being gay and all — was as soft as my limp wrist. I said, " I don't have any condoms." Strategic, I know.

She said, "It's okay, I'm on the pill." Then I said, "I always want to play it safe anyway." and then she of course said, "You don't trust me."

I had three choices at this point: have sex, please her orally again, or carry out the whole "trust" argument. I took a deep breath, used my finger, used my tongue, and brought her to orgasm again. To this day, she claims I was the best she ever had at pleasing her orally.

BOYS, PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME! JUST COME OUT! IT'S MUCH EASIER!

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