Twuwy, Madwy, Deepwy

College, Foot In Mouth, Girl Story - No Sex for Guy, High School, How Not To Get Laid, Icky and/or Gross, Virginity 1 Response »
Mar 202008

Submitted by Lauren, Age 21, Toronto

When I was in my last year of high school, a very sexy older boy asked me out. Naturally, I accepted. It is a mark of prestige, attractiveness and intelligence for a high school girl to be with a university boy.

We began dating. We didn’t go far for months, never getting past ‘first base’. However, I was crazy about him, and he about me. I decided that he was the one I would “lose it” to. And, being an inexperienced virgin, I set out to create the perfect night for us to “physically express our love” (as I delicately described it to my equally inexperienced friends).

I invited him to my home one night when I knew my family would be gone. I went out, bought special underwear, soft sexy music, candles, the whole shtick. It was going to be beautiful and perfect.

Or so I thought.

He came over. I immediately steered him to the bedroom. The carefully planned ambiance tipped him off to my intention. We began kissing and fondling each other, slowly rounding out the bases.

I was pleased that everything was going so well. I was turned on, ready. He began breathing heavily and whispering sexy nothings in my ear.

Then it happened.

He said “I want you so badly”. which, in itself, is not a bad thing to say. Except that he said it in a baby voice. I’m talking five year old with a lisp baby voice: “I want you so badwy”. A little, horny Elmer Fudd. It caught me off-guard, but I decided to ignore it.

I suppose my silence read as an indication that I liked dirty baby talk. He started saying dirtier and dirtier things and I grew more and more disturbed. The deal breaker was “I wanna spwit you open wif my cock”. At that point, I rolled off him and said I was “too nervous” to continue. It seemed like a backhanded way to compliment him and to get out of sex with little explanation. In reality I was just too creeped out and turned off.

For several days, every time we interacted, all I could think about was “I wanna spwit you open wif my cock”.

The relationship didn’t survive.

Posted by StewFox at 7:58 pm

An Empty Condom, An Empty Bed, and Subtext

College, Drugs/Alcohol, Foot In Mouth, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Lack of Balls 2 Responses »
Mar 112008

Submitted by Innocent Loverboy, Age 22, London

I was in my university’s union bar, trying not to let the music get to me while sipping my usual non-alcoholic cocktail. Keeping in line with my life from the age of 18 onwards, I was perpetually single, and to be frank, the idiots getting off with other idiots on the dance floor were offending me. Not because they were getting off, exactly; the dance floor was meant to be used for dancing, in my opinion.

I weaved through the interlocked couples and noticed a discarded condom on the floor. It was still sealed in its packet, and looked fine to me when I inspected it. I pocketed it to add to my stock when I got back to my room.

“Have you met my friend Laura?” asked a girl I vaguely knew from sight. I turned around, and there she was: Laura. Blonde hair, blue eyes, a few extra pounds, and a cheeky, attractive quality. I shifted uncomfortably and flashed my default ‘flirting’ smile.

Continue reading »

Posted by StewFox at 10:07 pm

One Moment of Silence

Cars, College, Drugs/Alcohol, Foot In Mouth, Girl Story - No Sex for Girl, How Not To Get Laid, Lack of Balls 1 Response »
Feb 102008

Submitted by Michelle, Age 20, California

I was in college (this was not too long ago), and I was doing some volunteering through school. I gave rides from the work site to the school for a few weeks. Usually I got stuck with two annoying girls and this one good looking guy. I was shy so we all just talked about music. The last week, the girls don’t show, and I tell the guy that he looks like one of those kids who gets stoned right before class. He said he did that in high school and asked me if I did too. I am hung over from the night before (and that is another how not to get laid story) and I decide to practice some flirting on him since this is the last time I am volunteering (which means the last time I will see him). So I decide to tell him that all I did in high school was have sex. I told him how I probably had sex more times than he got high (I left out that it was with one boy and I haven’t done it since). He seems shocked, and I feel stupid, but we are almost back to school. Then, just as I am pulling up to the parking spot, he says, “I have an hour before class. Want to go to my dorm?” Suddenly, what I have been hoping for has come to pass, but I can not get myself to say a word. I am speechless. And he just says, “That’s okay,” and gets out of the car and walks away. And I bang my head against the wheel and go, “why?!?!”

Posted by StewFox at 1:14 pm

Don't mince words. What are you REALLY asking me?

Drugs/Alcohol, Foot In Mouth, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid 2 Responses »
Jan 152008

Submitted by Bradley, Age 25, Quebec

I’ve never been much of a pick-up artist; in part because the idea of one night stands has never particularly interested me, and second (which might really be the reason for that first part), because I’ve never managed to hook one up, rare though the attempts were.

That being said, I guess I’m not so great at picking up signals from girls who might actually be interested. And by signals, I mean blatant offers… Case in point:

I’m at the bar. Now, when I go to the bar, it’s to get drunk, not laid. So, I was, well, pretty damned drunk. To date, that’s my excuse.

So I’m at the bar, and I see a girl I knew vaguely from work. By “know,” I mean that I knew her name. She knew mine, and we’d exchanged the occasional hello. That’s about it.

So we get to some small-talk at the bar, and I don’t think we’d properly gotten past the “how’s it goin’?” phase of the conversation before she asks me if I need a place to stay for the night.

Now, like I said, not so much with the picking up on (blatant) signals.

So in a confident voice, I tell her, “Yes, as a matter of fact, I’m crashing on my friend’s couch.”

And that was that. She went off hunting for more apt candidates, and I took a couple of hours to figure out that I’d essentially declined a bald offer of sex…

Posted by StewFox at 9:28 am

Putting the "Conservative" in Conservative

Foot In Mouth, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, On Being Good 2,473 Responses »
Jan 112008

Submitted by JP

note: this falls a little outside the norm for stories, but it seems to be in the spirit of the website.

I was getting physical with a girl I worked with at a Christian camp. We had spent the entire summer focusing on our work and not noticing our increasing attraction to each other until camp ended and things got intense fast. Over the course of our encounters throughout the week, we had approached second base, but were still admittedly some time away from “sealing the deal”, so to speak. Things were definitely headed in that direction though, and as young infatuation tends, our conversations crept towards speculations of the future and long-lasting love.

On one of our frequent walks, we had a discussion about marriage, as a principle. I made the mistake of telling her about some of my more unconventional (considering our conservative context) views of marriage- as in, I didn’t need the government’s approval to be married and I doubted I’d be interested in a legal ceremony.

Well, it was as if the wind rushed through the window and blew the candle out. This notion of mine flew in the face of her more traditional views, and she said, not quite so plainly, but on the spot, that if our views on marriage didn’t complement each other, well, what was the point of going any further?

Needless to say, there would be no doubles or triples from that point on, much less a trip around the bases. The fire had been doused by a bucket of holy water.

The first lesson? Know your audience. I would have liked it if things had gone on a little longer, but I was too idealistic and naive to think that something as simple as an opinion on marriage could deter blinding passion.
The second? Think twice before getting involved with a conservative.

Posted by StewFox at 11:38 am

and they say romance is dead . . .

Crazy Suitor, Drugs/Alcohol, Foot In Mouth, Girl Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid 646 Responses »
Jan 072008

Submitted by Elizabeth, Age 25, Austin, TX

I was drinking with one of my really good guy friends (or so I thought). In the past we had hooked up. So why not again? I told him to use a condom. In the middle of the deed, he messes up the condom. He tells me “I did not get off,” then asks me “are you on birth control?”

I said “no.” He began grilling me about why I was not on the pill. To me, this is the kind of conversation you only have with someone you are dating. I actually had another condom in my purse, but by this point I was completely and utterly turned off. Then, not once, not twice, but three times he offered to buy me the morning after pill so we could finish having sex.

I had no idea how to respond. Honestly, I have never had a guy suggest that. For the first time in my life, a guy made me speechless. I would expect this kind of behavior from a one night stand but not a friend. So, I got dressed and left. I have not talked to him since. Maybe, eventually, we will be friends again, but the sex thing is a no go.

So boys/men: never offer a girl the morning after pill unless you are in a serious relationship. Practice safe sex and stock up on condoms.

Posted by StewFox at 10:26 pm

Thinking Positivity . . . If You Wanna Be With Me

Foot In Mouth, Girl Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Lack of Balls 823 Responses »
Dec 062007

Submitted by Claire E., Age 22, San Francisco

If you want to sleep with the girl…

…spend less time brooding about your luck with women, and more time touching her goodies.

…spend less time vocalizing your concerns that she doesn’t want to sleep with you, and more time touching her goodies.

…spend less time arguing that you deserve sex because you are a decent person, and more time touching her goodies.

…spend less time bragging that you nearly never come because you like to please girls so much, and more time… yes, touching her goodies.

Try on some positivity, try to have some fun, and enjoy her company. Quit fussing out loud over whether or not she’s going to fuck you and quit trying to uncover the mystery of why not when she doesn’t.

Most of all, quit calling me. You blew it.

Posted by StewFox at 9:19 pm

Enough Said. (Ladies Edition)

Foot In Mouth, Girl Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Icky and/or Gross, Lothario Story 725 Responses »
Oct 282007

Mr. Romance texted me a picture of his penis.

Submitted by Jenny, Age 33, Knoxville

***

He kissed me like he was trying to massage my esophogas with his tongue.
I suddenly remembered I had laundry to do.

Submitted by Deb, Age 23, Michigan

***

He wore pleated pants and no deodorant.

Submitted by Mabel, Age 29, San Francisco

Posted by StewFox at 8:47 pm
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