The Mama's Boy

Foot In Mouth, Girl Story - No Sex for Guy, High School, How Not To Get Laid 9 Responses »
Nov 102008

Submitted by Christy, Age 25, Detroit

I was pleased as punch to run into my big high school crush last year and find that he was really into me too. It seemed so perfect! No awkward first date jitters or stilted conversation – we already knew each other! We could barely keep our hands off each other, and sped through dinner so we could cut to the chase, head back to his place, and hit the sheets. It was going swimmingly. He was sexy, he was smooth, he was skilled.

And then… it went wrong. So, so wrong.

As he unrolls a condom over himself, he tells me, giddy with excitement, “My mom is going to be so happy to hear about this when I call her tomorrow!”

Absolute buzzkill…

Why pick *that* moment to mention he’s going to call his mom to tell her all about our hookup?? (and who calls their mom to tell them this kind of thing, anyway?)

Seriously. How not to get laid? Just keep yapping about your mom while you’re in the sack. It will prevent you from getting laid each and every time.

Posted by StewFox at 5:57 pm

Friendly Advances

Drugs/Alcohol, Foot In Mouth, Guy Story - No Sex for Girl, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Lack of Balls 8 Responses »
Oct 162008

Submitted by Marcus, Age 36, Florida

While living in Hogtown, I had a good friend who happened to be quite hot, who I had an off and on thing for. We were good friends, and both of us valued that, which made it tough and awkward during those moments when ‘the urge’ would strike.

Two of these moments are worthy of a telling. Hers first. One late night, after I had gotten home from work, I was settling down for a bit of chatting on IRC and some gaming. It was a boggy but not totally unpleasant Florida night, so I had opted to open my windows rather than run the air. I had just smoked a bowl which made me a bit jumpy, when there was a sharp rap on my door. Paranoia set in as I thought who the hell could that be at this time, but it was none other than my good friend. In a short, black, ‘do me’ outfit. She was a very hot buzzed chick looking for some action.

Continue reading »

Posted by StewFox at 10:20 am

Polly wants to what?!

Animals, Cars, Crazy Suitor, Drugs/Alcohol, Foot In Mouth, Girl Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Icky and/or Gross 4 Responses »
Sep 252008

Submitted by Ginger

Okay, so here I am at the ripe old age of 22, just got out of a long, life-wasting relationship, and I was on the rebound. My priority in life at this point was to go out, get drunk, and get laid. One night, I did go out, did get drunk, and was talking to a guy who somehow was getting progressively cuter as the night progressed. It happens, you’ve lived it, let’s move on. So, a couple, two, three more drinks later, he is suddenly the funniest guy I’ve ever met, and for some reason, I decided that we should leave and get things rolling.

Now, I’m not an overly materialistic girl, but when I saw the ”Hello this is my Grandma’s car” car that he was proudly sporting, I started to lose my buzz, but I didn’t let this get to me until I got into his car to see that he was, indeed, sitting on a cushion. My grandma did this because she was shrinking and needed the boost. Okay…letting this slide.

End at his house. Still lives with the parents, and I was assuming he was about my age — no biggie. We sneak into his basement room, have another drink, and then it starts to go from there. Make it onto his bed, start fooling around, having a grand old time, and all of a sudden I hear this SCCCCCCCRRRRREEEEEEAAAAAAAAACCCCCHHHH SSSSSQQQQQwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaccccck!!!

Ok WTF was that!?!? I ask. So…Grandma Ride jumps up out of the bed half naked and goes, “OHHH I didn’t introduce you to Annie!!!”

I’m sitting here thinking “Who is Annie and WTF is Annie spewing out that wretched ear piercing noise!?!?”

So the guy, who is getting rapidly uglier by the second as my buzz has just about completely dissipated, proceeds to run across the basement half clothed to go get this enormously huge parrot and bring it into the bed! I’M HALF NAKED HERE, BUD!

”Do you want to see how Annie is a good girl and can do her tricks?!?”

Uhhh, not so much, but I was not having much choice here as I was hurriedly getting dressed. (And you all know how getting dressed fast doesn’t seem to work; legs are in arm holes, etc.etc.) Well as he spewed out random “baby talk” antics to this thing, Annie decided she apparently didn’t like me. Annie was eyeing me down with her beady little eyes and I was giving her THE LOOK right back. Annie swoops off, not like a “pretty little girlie” and flies at me going for my head! At this time I proceeded to lie on the bed and pull the blanket over my head, swearing to myself that I was NEVER drinking again and I should try celibacy.

Now, instead of, I don’t know, GETTING THE BIRD AWAY FROM ME, this creep calmly says, ”Oh, Annie is upset because you are laying on her pillow. You should move over.”

You let your bird sleep in your bed?!!?

”Why of course! She is my BAAAAYBAAAY, aren’t you, Miss Prettiest Bird in the World!?!? Do you like daddy’s new girlfriend??!”

At this point, I managed to escape the entanglement of the bed sheets and got up and out of the bed. I was then RUNNING out the door and didn’t care that I didn’t have my shoes on in the middle of a Chicago January. I was deathly afraid I was going to end up in a hole with Precious tossing me a bottle of lotion to rub on my skin.

Yeah, he didn’t get laid. THANK GOD!!!!!

Posted by StewFox at 12:57 pm

If only I could go back in time and make myself forget she said that...

Foot In Mouth, Guy Story - No Sex for Girl, How Not To Get Laid 3 Responses »
Sep 212008

Submitted by FilmFan, Age 27, Atlanta, GA

So I go out to see my friend’s band at a venue that was a few blocks from my house. Afterward, a few of the band members come over and bring some of their friends. We have a few drinks, and as the night goes on, people gradually trickle out. Eventually, the only people left are me, my roommate, and this girl I slightly know who sometimes hangs out with the band. I start getting the impression that the girl is hitting on me (and so does my roommate, who discreetly goes to bed to leave us alone).

After a while, she comes over and sits on my lap. At this point, I’m kind of lukewarm about whether I want to sleep with this girl or not. I’m not really that attracted to her, but I’m drunk and it’s been a while. I decide what the hell, I’ll sleep with her. We were watching CNN or something on TV, which is kinda distracting when you’re making out, so I pick up the remote and change to some random channel.

She looks up and says “Is that Timecop 2?”

Snickering, I look up the show on the TV Guide channel and, sure enough, it’s Timecop 2. I start laughing and say “Do you actually like this movie?”

She says, in all earnestness, “It’s good, but not as good as the first one.”

I’m like “You mean you liked Timecop? The Jean Claude van Damme movie? From like 10 years ago?”

And she says “Yeah, I love Van Damme. I just wish they could have gotten him to do Timecop 2.”

I start laughing, trying to hide my condescension. We make out for a while longer, but I can’t get over the whole JCVD thing. This girl is not for me, I keep thinking. After a while, I stand up, give her a kiss on the cheek, tell her that she can sleep on the couch if she’s too drunk to drive, and go to sleep. I never saw her again.

Posted by StewFox at 3:21 pm

A Plea for Bells and Whistles

Foot In Mouth, Girl Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid 3 Responses »
Sep 152008

Submitted by I Hate Cricket Sex, 25, NYC

This isn’t a particularly titillating story, but it should really help a lot of young men out there.

I met a cute, albeit slightly younger, guy at a bar last summer. I’d recently gone through a break up and was looking for some no-strings fun, and this guy seemed like the perfect opportunity. We end up back at his apartment, which looks like a dorm room (red flag…immature city) and after some movie watching and making out, we start getting more serious…

Biggest. Penis. Ever. I mean – HUGE. But of good proportions. It was honestly worthy of a statue it was so…good looking. I thought I was in for a treat. Not so much. Turns out Bobby Big Dick was one of the worst lovers (well, one night stands) I’ve ever had. NO foreplay, no touching or caressing or sexy moans or passionate moves whatsoever. And he was completely SILENT. I’m talking crickets silent. I could hear the meter of a cab dropping someone off on the street outside. Not even heavy breathing! I felt totally awkward, especially since I’m normally a passionate and sort of loudish chick. I was starting to suspect that he was an android.

When it was over, he asked if I had had a good time. I said, “Uh, did YOU??” “Yeah, it was awesome.” Oh jesus, he thought that was GOOD. He asks, “Did you come? Because I like to make a girl come at least 3 times.” I actually laughed out loud at this. Puh-LEASE. I started calculating how much a cab home at 4 am would cost.

Then he started talking about how he hated those emo kids in high school who talked about suicide. So random. I couldn’t resist changing the subject and asking if he was always that robotic during sex (hey, I didn’t plan on seeing him again). He goes – “yeah I don’t see what the big deal is. I mean, I have a penis, girls have a vagina – you just stick it in. No bells and whistles.” I told him good sex is a lot more than just sticking your ‘penis’ in my ‘vagina’ a few dozen times – “Whatever,” he says. Gentlemen, bells and whistles (not literally) lead to fireworks, not silent and creepy pumping.

What a waste of a perfectly good penis on a perfectly stupid ass.

Posted by StewFox at 1:19 pm

Apparently guys need to be "in the mood" as well.

Foot In Mouth, Guy Story - No Sex for Girl, How Not To Get Laid, Lothario Story, Virginity 9 Responses »
Sep 102008

Submitted by Blake, Age 28, Toronto

Well, there was this girl I’d known for some time who was pretty cute. A bit odd but alright. We’d flirted on occasion and I knew she was interested but, frankly, I had better prospects at other times. I’d bunked over at her place for a few days between apartments and found out first hand how neurotic she could be, so I should have seen this coming, but oh well. Hindsight…

So there’s a stretch where I’m not with anyone, we end up at the beach together, and she’s looking pretty good. We end up at her family’s beach house and things start getting interesting. Then she tells me that she’s never ”gone all the way” before. Really? ”Yeah” she says, though she’s come close. Ok, well that’s alright, I say. So long as you want this to happen. So we take it from there.

So we’re on the bed ready to go and she glances out the bedroom door. ”Did you leave the light on?” Uh, yeah, sorry. So she gets up, goes out and turns it off. Comes back. ”Please don’t leave the light on.” Ok. ”It wastes power.” Sure, sorry. ”I just want you to remember for next time.” Ok, I will. ”Alright. Don’t forget.”

All of this in a tone like an adult scolding a child. Then she goes back to kissing my neck. Uh, sorry! Not in the mood! Stop! Amazing she’d never gone ”all the way” before. Protip: if you want sex and everything’s ready to go, save the lecture for another time.

Posted by StewFox at 3:09 pm

Watch The Mouth

Drugs/Alcohol, Foot In Mouth, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid 4 Responses »
Apr 202008

Submitted by Anon, Age 20, UK

I’ve always been a bit shite with girls. In my 20 years of life I’ve slept with only two girls, one of which was more of a “was mounted by a whale” than a proper lay.

I broke up with my ex about 15 months ago now. I haven’t had sex in the last 16 months or so.

So that’s the backstory over and done with. Now, I’m a beatboxer, which (for those who don’t know) means imitating sounds, mainly percussion instruments, with one’s mouth. This also gives me access to the single finest chat up line in existence.

At a house party there was a stunner showing a very real interest in me. I danced around with her (about as well as a lanky white boy can anyway) and did some beatboxing for her. Ten minutes of beatboxing later and she’s obviously impressed. “That’s amazing” she says, “how can you do all of that?”

“Well, you know what they say about us beatboxers”, I replied. “We’re good with out mouths”.

That should have been the end of it, but I was drunk.

“I bet you are”, she said with a wink. “You’ll have to show–”

But she was interrupted by me suddenly bursting out into loud laughter, incoherently babbling about us beatboxers also having big willies, before I walked off giggling to get another drink.

Posted by StewFox at 2:32 pm

The Sauced Stag

Drugs/Alcohol, Foot In Mouth, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Humiliation, Travel 2 Responses »
Apr 022008

Submitted by Rolf, Age 25, UK

It was my brothers stag do. A weekend of getting extremely drunk and a chance to chat up different women in a city I’d never been to before. I’m from a small village so you tend to chat up and get rejected by all the girls pretty quickly. I hadn’t had any action for a while and was starting to riled about it. You know it’s a lean spell when your mates start taking the piss out of you.

The first night was a good laugh, everyone getting extremely drunk, and the next day continued in a similar fashion. It came to the last, and we all went out for a quick bite to eat and then on to the hot spots of the town. We ended up in a super club. Five floors full of different music and about 2000 plus people. I couldn’t fail. I didn’t. We were all dancing (well, if that’s what you call it) when I noticed this not-too-bad-looking bird eyeing me up. I’m thinking “hello,” and the next thing you know, we are getting off with each other. Now, pulling on any stag, especially ones away, is legendary.

The bird then goes to me, “lets go back to mine,” then for some reason I will never know, I suddenly thought, “I don’t have a condom!!” I leave the bird and run ’round the club trying to find my mates, and when I do, they all give me a look of fright. The sight of me, shirt half un-buttoned and sweating frantically, asking for a condom, must’ve, I’m sure, amused them. I eventually manged to harrange some spare change out of one of them and grab some out of the machines.

We then left the club and started to walk back to hers. Then, bizarrely, she insisted on stopping off at the hotel she worked at. We called a taxi and then got back to hers, by which time I was really starting to feel the effects of the weekend’s boozing. We made it into her bedroom, but it was an impossible mission, adding to that about ten text’s asking for mobile phone pictures, and I was done. We fondle around for a bit, but I think I was a big disappointment to her. I said to her at one point, “ I want to do you from behind,” to which she replied, no chance.

I woke in the morning and thought perhaps some better luck, but she was having none of it, and as she went to make a cup of coffee I snuck out the door. Lost in a city I had never been in before, it took me two hours to get home.

Posted by StewFox at 8:40 pm
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