Archive for the 'Foot In Mouth' Category
Submitted by Random Girl, Age 29, Florida
This is probably a cautionary tale against dating the recently divorced, but there I was in the throes of what could have been a great time in the sack with a guy I had known and liked for years. We were alone, we had been dating for weeks, and we had a great night out… but for whatever reason the "equipment" was not cooperating. Suddenly he piped up with a suggestion. "Barb (not the real name of his ex-wife) used to do this thing…" and he went on to describe and demonstrate this all too familiar routine that apparently worked for her. As much as I wanted to be a good sport, I didn't want to become Barb2, and before my self-editor could stop me I blurted out, "Tell me you aren't asking me to screw you the way your ex-wife screwed you!!" Talk about a mood killer. He left, and that was the end of that night, and our relationship.
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Submitted by Nadine, 20, Germany
Imagine a drunk college party at my house. I had just moved in two months ago and had not yet met all of my roommate's friends. There was a guy at the party I had noticed earlier in the evening who was extremely good looking. However, I didn't talk to him at all.
Later in the evening, I made out with my best friend in the kitchen (we are really close and have slept together before). Well, he was really drunk, and, at some point, he went to my room and passed out on the bed. As I was tired too, I wanted to join him. I went to my room, removed my makeup and my lenses. My friend had already removed his clothes (except boxers) when someone knocked.
I opened and was confronted with the hottie. He just hugged me, thrust his pelvis forwards and managed to get out: "Do you need some company, honey?"
I made a few steps back into my room and he followed. As my bed was right next to the door, I nodded to the right and told him I already had company. He was disappointed, frustrated or embarrassed–I can't tell which–so he stormed out the door and left the house. Funny thing is, as I really liked this guy('s looks), his oh so subtle game might have worked had my best friend not been passed out on my bed. Oh well.
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Submitted by Miss Kibble, Age 22, Newcastle
I had admired him a la distance for some time, emerging as I was from an absolute train-wreck of a marriage. Inevitably, we fell into a sadly clichéd, drunken one-nighter. Your astute powers of deduction will, even at this point, lead you to conclude that he failed to fulfill his reputation as a modern-day Lothario.
I really should have been skeptical at the start of the evening, when – breathing in the nape of my neck – he murmured, “Mmm… You smell like my mother.”
Not overly burdened with tact myself, I willingly overlooked this slight faux-pas. At which point, his phone started to ring. And ring. And ring. Most anybody else would have turned it off; however, it was quite beyond his gentlemanly capabilities to postpone an opportunity to brag about his conquest, early though the night was…
In hindsight, I too am shaking my head at this point – though this is by no means the end of the sorry liaison. The potent combination of countless martinis, lust, and pent-up bitterness was humiliatingly irresistible.
Having pulled him into my bedroom, I worshipped at the altar, so to speak. No result. I’m still not sure who was more mortified – him or me. Both of us adamantly claimed a zero failure rate.
The tremendous pressure of so very many embarrassments weighed heavily on both of us, and we reached the conclusion that we should leave things until the morning.
As I was turning off the light, I chanced to look down, and the horror of what I had done slammed into me… I was sleeping with a naked man in socks!
For those of you living in blind ignorance, no woman with even a morsel of self-respect will ever, ever sleep with a naked man in socks… This is a fundamental tenant of womanhood; akin to our obsession with putting the toilet seat down, or our love-affair with potpourri.
Cathartic though this has been, at yet another head-hanging moment in my life, there is a sequel to this sorry saga.
But I wouldn’t want to give it all up at once, now, would I?
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Submitted by Rachel, Age 18, New Zealand
How not to get laid?
End a date by saying "hugsies" and opening your arms invitingly.
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Submitted by Mary, Age 22, Raleigh
He said we'd go see "He's Just Not That Into You".
Instead of taking me to the film, he took me to his place because he "forgot something," then said - "but come up with me for a second, I want to show you something."
So I went up, he grabbed and kissed me and said, "why see a movie about what he's not when he so is?"
Would this have worked on someone? Did this work in his head? Maybe if she was into him… but she bolted. Apparently, she "so wasn't."
Anyone see the movie? Any good?
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Submitted by Christy, Age 25, Detroit
I was pleased as punch to run into my big high school crush last year and find that he was really into me too. It seemed so perfect! No awkward first date jitters or stilted conversation - we already knew each other! We could barely keep our hands off each other, and sped through dinner so we could cut to the chase, head back to his place, and hit the sheets. It was going swimmingly. He was sexy, he was smooth, he was skilled.
And then… it went wrong. So, so wrong.
As he unrolls a condom over himself, he tells me, giddy with excitement, “My mom is going to be so happy to hear about this when I call her tomorrow!”
Absolute buzzkill…
Why pick *that* moment to mention he’s going to call his mom to tell her all about our hookup?? (and who calls their mom to tell them this kind of thing, anyway?)
Seriously. How not to get laid? Just keep yapping about your mom while you’re in the sack. It will prevent you from getting laid each and every time.
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Submitted by Marcus, Age 36, Florida
While living in Hogtown, I had a good friend who happened to be quite hot, who I had an off and on thing for. We were good friends, and both of us valued that, which made it tough and awkward during those moments when ‘the urge’ would strike.
Two of these moments are worthy of a telling. Hers first. One late night, after I had gotten home from work, I was settling down for a bit of chatting on IRC and some gaming. It was a boggy but not totally unpleasant Florida night, so I had opted to open my windows rather than run the air. I had just smoked a bowl which made me a bit jumpy, when there was a sharp rap on my door. Paranoia set in as I thought who the hell could that be at this time, but it was none other than my good friend. In a short, black, ‘do me’ outfit. She was a very hot buzzed chick looking for some action.
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Submitted by Ginger
Okay, so here I am at the ripe old age of 22, just got out of a long, life-wasting relationship, and I was on the rebound. My priority in life at this point was to go out, get drunk, and get laid. One night, I did go out, did get drunk, and was talking to a guy who somehow was getting progressively cuter as the night progressed. It happens, you've lived it, let's move on. So, a couple, two, three more drinks later, he is suddenly the funniest guy I've ever met, and for some reason, I decided that we should leave and get things rolling.
Now, I'm not an overly materialistic girl, but when I saw the "Hello this is my Grandma's car" car that he was proudly sporting, I started to lose my buzz, but I didn't let this get to me until I got into his car to see that he was, indeed, sitting on a cushion. My grandma did this because she was shrinking and needed the boost. Okay, letting this slide.
End at his house. Still lives with the parents, and I was assuming he was about my age — no biggie. We sneak into his basement room, have another drink, and then it starts to go from there. Make it onto his bed, start fooling around, having a grand old time, and all of a sudden I hear this SCCCCCCCRRRRREEEEEEAAAAAAAAACCCCCHHHH SSSSSQQQQQwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaccccck!!!
Ok WTF was that!?!? I ask. So Grandma Ride jumps up out of the bed half naked and goes, "OHHH I didn't introduce you to Annie!!!"
I'm sitting here thinking “Who is Annie and WTF is Annie spewing out that wretched ear piercing noise!?!?"
So the guy, who is getting rapidly uglier by the second as my buzz has just about completely dissipated, proceeds to run across the basement half clothed to go get this enormously huge parrot and bring it into the bed! I'M HALF NAKED HERE, BUD!"
Do you want to see how Annie is a good girl and can do her tricks?!?"
Uhhh, not so much, but I was not having much choice here as I was hurriedly getting dressed. (And you all know how getting dressed fast doesn't seem to work; legs are in arm holes, etc.etc.) Well as he spewed out random "baby talk" antics to this thing, Annie decided she apparently didn't like me. Annie was eyeing me down with her beady little eyes and I was giving her THE LOOK right back. Annie swoops off, not like a "pretty little girlie" and flies at me going for my head! At this time I proceeded to lie on the bed and pull the blanket over my head, swearing to myself that I was NEVER drinking again and I should try celibacy.
Now, instead of, I don't know, GETTING THE BIRD AWAY FROM ME, this creep calmly says, "Oh, Annie is upset because you are laying on her pillow. You should move over."
"You let your bird sleep in your bed?!!?"
"Why of course! She is my BAAAAYBAAAY, aren't you, Miss Prettiest Bird in the World!?!? Do you like daddy's new girlfriend??!" At this point, I managed to escape the entanglement of the bed sheets and got up and out of the bed. I was then RUNNING out the door and didn't care that I didn't have my shoes on in the middle of a Chicago January. I was deathly afraid I was going to end up in a hole with Precious tossing me a bottle of lotion to rub on my skin.
Yeah, he didn't get laid. THANK GOD!!!!!
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(4.62 out of 5)
(6 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5)