At Least Someone Got Off

Cars, Drugs/Alcohol, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Icky and/or Gross, Lothario Story, Virginity 9 Responses »
Apr 062008

Submitted by “I don’t wanna talk about it,” Age 24, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

I’m not sure how to describe the place. It was a typical street outside a bar that played loud heavy-metal music and was packed with depressed teenager in black, which I was at the time. I was there sharing beers with a friend. While I was still sober, a girl came to talk to me and said she thought I was cute.

I didn’t respond. Not that I was embarrassed or anything, but I didn’t find her very attractive.

In response to my silence she said, “You don’t liked me. Okay,” and left.

Many beers later (and I do mean MANY) I saw the same girl and told my friend “She’s ugly as hell, but I’ll take her.” I tapped my friend on the shoulder and went to talk to her. I don’t think she gave me time to finish a whole sentence before kissing me. After this kiss, she took me by the arm, heading to the corner.

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Posted by StewFox at 3:34 pm

The Sauced Stag

Drugs/Alcohol, Foot In Mouth, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Humiliation, Travel 1 Response »
Apr 022008

Submitted by Rolf, Age 25, UK

It was my brothers stag do. A weekend of getting extremely drunk and a chance to chat up different women in a city I’d never been to before. I’m from a small village so you tend to chat up and get rejected by all the girls pretty quickly. I hadn’t had any action for a while and was starting to riled about it. You know it’s a lean spell when your mates start taking the piss out of you.

The first night was a good laugh, everyone getting extremely drunk, and the next day continued in a similar fashion. It came to the last, and we all went out for a quick bite to eat and then on to the hot spots of the town. We ended up in a super club. Five floors full of different music and about 2000 plus people. I couldn’t fail. I didn’t. We were all dancing (well, if that’s what you call it) when I noticed this not-too-bad-looking bird eyeing me up. I’m thinking “hello,” and the next thing you know, we are getting off with each other. Now, pulling on any stag, especially ones away, is legendary.

The bird then goes to me, “lets go back to mine,” then for some reason I will never know, I suddenly thought, “I don’t have a condom!!” I leave the bird and run ’round the club trying to find my mates, and when I do, they all give me a look of fright. The sight of me, shirt half un-buttoned and sweating frantically, asking for a condom, must’ve, I’m sure, amused them. I eventually manged to harrange some spare change out of one of them and grab some out of the machines.

We then left the club and started to walk back to hers. Then, bizarrely, she insisted on stopping off at the hotel she worked at. We called a taxi and then got back to hers, by which time I was really starting to feel the effects of the weekend’s boozing. We made it into her bedroom, but it was an impossible mission, adding to that about ten text’s asking for mobile phone pictures, and I was done. We fondle around for a bit, but I think I was a big disappointment to her. I said to her at one point, “ I want to do you from behind,” to which she replied, no chance.

I woke in the morning and thought perhaps some better luck, but she was having none of it, and as she went to make a cup of coffee I snuck out the door. Lost in a city I had never been in before, it took me two hours to get home.

Posted by StewFox at 8:40 pm

It Comes With the Package

College, Drugs/Alcohol, Girl Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Humiliation, Icky and/or Gross, Lothario Story 2 Responses »
Mar 302008

Submitted by Meagan, Age 24, New Orleans

Back in college I was dating this total alcoholic (we’ll call him K) whom I was with for 2 years. (Love is definitely blind sometimes.)

Anyway, it’s New Year’s Eve and we went with some friends to a club to celebrate. We’re dancing and everyone is having a good time.

All of a sudden, K grabs my hand and puts it on his package. It’s pretty evident to me that he’s excited. He says, “It’s all for you baby!” I was pretty mortified, especially since he didn’t seem interested in giving my hand back to me and people were staring. I guess that I wasn’t drunk enough or something, but I was pretty annoyed and ended up leaving soon after.

Needless to say, we both slept in our respective beds that night, and a breakup was looming large on the horizon.

Posted by StewFox at 8:21 pm

An Empty Condom, An Empty Bed, and Subtext

College, Drugs/Alcohol, Foot In Mouth, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Lack of Balls No Responses »
Mar 112008

Submitted by Innocent Loverboy, Age 22, London

I was in my university’s union bar, trying not to let the music get to me while sipping my usual non-alcoholic cocktail. Keeping in line with my life from the age of 18 onwards, I was perpetually single, and to be frank, the idiots getting off with other idiots on the dance floor were offending me. Not because they were getting off, exactly; the dance floor was meant to be used for dancing, in my opinion.

I weaved through the interlocked couples and noticed a discarded condom on the floor. It was still sealed in its packet, and looked fine to me when I inspected it. I pocketed it to add to my stock when I got back to my room.

“Have you met my friend Laura?” asked a girl I vaguely knew from sight. I turned around, and there she was: Laura. Blonde hair, blue eyes, a few extra pounds, and a cheeky, attractive quality. I shifted uncomfortably and flashed my default ‘flirting’ smile.

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Posted by StewFox at 10:07 pm

Can't Blame A Man for Trying (?)

Drugs/Alcohol, Gay/Lesbian/Bi Stories, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Travel No Responses »
Mar 082008

Submitted by Francoiz, Age 27, The Netherlands

Two days after my 23rd birthday my girlfriend broke up with me. Facing a lonely two week holiday, I went off for a small vacation to Turkey on my own. Near the place I stayed, I found a good Turkish restaurant in which I enjoyed a superb meal and some good beers. A table next to mine was taken by some English people and a man who turned out to be German. All of them were much older then me (in their forties, I guess) but they invited me to join them after dinner. So I did. Drinking beer, having fun, drinking even more beer, having some good discussions, and eventually drinking more beer.

Midnight had passed a few hours ago and I was there sitting in an almost empty restaurant facing another beer and this 43-year-old (big) German when he suddenly announced he was a gay male (I already had noticed he was male, but not that he was gay). I told him I respect everyone, that it didn’t bother me, and that I still enjoyed the conversation we had.

But what came next stunned me in such a way that I can never forget this meeting with this man:

He bends forward a little bit and says: “I can give u a blow if u like “.

I gasped for air and held my chair tight (very tight!). I must have told him about the girlfriend who broke up with me a couple of days earlier. It crossed my mind that he could have meant something else. In Holland, a hash-filled cigarette is called a ‘blow’ or a joint.

I asked: “U mean a blowjob??”

Confirmative.

All I remember is that NOTHING HAPPENED. I walked back to my hotel room, went to sleep, and woke up the next morning with a terrible pain in the HEAD.

Posted by StewFox at 5:16 pm

One Moment of Silence

Cars, College, Drugs/Alcohol, Foot In Mouth, Girl Story - No Sex for Girl, How Not To Get Laid, Lack of Balls 1 Response »
Feb 102008

Submitted by Michelle, Age 20, California

I was in college (this was not too long ago), and I was doing some volunteering through school. I gave rides from the work site to the school for a few weeks. Usually I got stuck with two annoying girls and this one good looking guy. I was shy so we all just talked about music. The last week, the girls don’t show, and I tell the guy that he looks like one of those kids who gets stoned right before class. He said he did that in high school and asked me if I did too. I am hung over from the night before (and that is another how not to get laid story) and I decide to practice some flirting on him since this is the last time I am volunteering (which means the last time I will see him). So I decide to tell him that all I did in high school was have sex. I told him how I probably had sex more times than he got high (I left out that it was with one boy and I haven’t done it since). He seems shocked, and I feel stupid, but we are almost back to school. Then, just as I am pulling up to the parking spot, he says, “I have an hour before class. Want to go to my dorm?” Suddenly, what I have been hoping for has come to pass, but I can not get myself to say a word. I am speechless. And he just says, “That’s okay,” and gets out of the car and walks away. And I bang my head against the wheel and go, “why?!?!”

Posted by StewFox at 1:14 pm

Don't mince words. What are you REALLY asking me?

Drugs/Alcohol, Foot In Mouth, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid 3 Responses »
Jan 152008

Submitted by Bradley, Age 25, Quebec

I’ve never been much of a pick-up artist; in part because the idea of one night stands has never particularly interested me, and second (which might really be the reason for that first part), because I’ve never managed to hook one up, rare though the attempts were.

That being said, I guess I’m not so great at picking up signals from girls who might actually be interested. And by signals, I mean blatant offers… Case in point:

I’m at the bar. Now, when I go to the bar, it’s to get drunk, not laid. So, I was, well, pretty damned drunk. To date, that’s my excuse.

So I’m at the bar, and I see a girl I knew vaguely from work. By “know,” I mean that I knew her name. She knew mine, and we’d exchanged the occasional hello. That’s about it.

So we get to some small-talk at the bar, and I don’t think we’d properly gotten past the “how’s it goin’?” phase of the conversation before she asks me if I need a place to stay for the night.

Now, like I said, not so much with the picking up on (blatant) signals.

So in a confident voice, I tell her, “Yes, as a matter of fact, I’m crashing on my friend’s couch.”

And that was that. She went off hunting for more apt candidates, and I took a couple of hours to figure out that I’d essentially declined a bald offer of sex…

Posted by StewFox at 9:28 am

and they say romance is dead . . .

Crazy Suitor, Drugs/Alcohol, Foot In Mouth, Girl Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid 10 Responses »
Jan 072008

Submitted by Elizabeth, Age 25, Austin, TX

I was drinking with one of my really good guy friends (or so I thought). In the past we had hooked up. So why not again? I told him to use a condom. In the middle of the deed, he messes up the condom. He tells me “I did not get off,” then asks me “are you on birth control?”

I said “no.” He began grilling me about why I was not on the pill. To me, this is the kind of conversation you only have with someone you are dating. I actually had another condom in my purse, but by this point I was completely and utterly turned off. Then, not once, not twice, but three times he offered to buy me the morning after pill so we could finish having sex.

I had no idea how to respond. Honestly, I have never had a guy suggest that. For the first time in my life, a guy made me speechless. I would expect this kind of behavior from a one night stand but not a friend. So, I got dressed and left. I have not talked to him since. Maybe, eventually, we will be friends again, but the sex thing is a no go.

So boys/men: never offer a girl the morning after pill unless you are in a serious relationship. Practice safe sex and stock up on condoms.

Posted by StewFox at 10:26 pm
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