Friendly Advances

Drugs/Alcohol, Foot In Mouth, Guy Story - No Sex for Girl, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Lack of Balls No Responses »
Oct 162008

Submitted by Marcus, Age 36, Florida

While living in Hogtown, I had a good friend who happened to be quite hot, who I had an off and on thing for. We were good friends, and both of us valued that, which made it tough and awkward during those moments when ‘the urge’ would strike.

Two of these moments are worthy of a telling. Hers first. One late night, after I had gotten home from work, I was settling down for a bit of chatting on IRC and some gaming. It was a boggy but not totally unpleasant Florida night, so I had opted to open my windows rather than run the air. I had just smoked a bowl which made me a bit jumpy, when there was a sharp rap on my door. Paranoia set in as I thought who the hell could that be at this time, but it was none other than my good friend. In a short, black, ‘do me’ outfit. She was a very hot buzzed chick looking for some action.

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Posted by StewFox at 10:20 am

Polly wants to what?!

Animals, Cars, Crazy Suitor, Drugs/Alcohol, Foot In Mouth, Girl Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Icky and/or Gross 4 Responses »
Sep 252008

Submitted by Ginger

Okay, so here I am at the ripe old age of 22, just got out of a long, life-wasting relationship, and I was on the rebound. My priority in life at this point was to go out, get drunk, and get laid. One night, I did go out, did get drunk, and was talking to a guy who somehow was getting progressively cuter as the night progressed. It happens, you’ve lived it, let’s move on. So, a couple, two, three more drinks later, he is suddenly the funniest guy I’ve ever met, and for some reason, I decided that we should leave and get things rolling.

Now, I’m not an overly materialistic girl, but when I saw the ”Hello this is my Grandma’s car” car that he was proudly sporting, I started to lose my buzz, but I didn’t let this get to me until I got into his car to see that he was, indeed, sitting on a cushion. My grandma did this because she was shrinking and needed the boost. Okay…letting this slide.

End at his house. Still lives with the parents, and I was assuming he was about my age — no biggie. We sneak into his basement room, have another drink, and then it starts to go from there. Make it onto his bed, start fooling around, having a grand old time, and all of a sudden I hear this SCCCCCCCRRRRREEEEEEAAAAAAAAACCCCCHHHH SSSSSQQQQQwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaccccck!!!

Ok WTF was that!?!? I ask. So…Grandma Ride jumps up out of the bed half naked and goes, “OHHH I didn’t introduce you to Annie!!!”

I’m sitting here thinking “Who is Annie and WTF is Annie spewing out that wretched ear piercing noise!?!?”

So the guy, who is getting rapidly uglier by the second as my buzz has just about completely dissipated, proceeds to run across the basement half clothed to go get this enormously huge parrot and bring it into the bed! I’M HALF NAKED HERE, BUD!

”Do you want to see how Annie is a good girl and can do her tricks?!?”

Uhhh, not so much, but I was not having much choice here as I was hurriedly getting dressed. (And you all know how getting dressed fast doesn’t seem to work; legs are in arm holes, etc.etc.) Well as he spewed out random “baby talk” antics to this thing, Annie decided she apparently didn’t like me. Annie was eyeing me down with her beady little eyes and I was giving her THE LOOK right back. Annie swoops off, not like a “pretty little girlie” and flies at me going for my head! At this time I proceeded to lie on the bed and pull the blanket over my head, swearing to myself that I was NEVER drinking again and I should try celibacy.

Now, instead of, I don’t know, GETTING THE BIRD AWAY FROM ME, this creep calmly says, ”Oh, Annie is upset because you are laying on her pillow. You should move over.”

You let your bird sleep in your bed?!!?

”Why of course! She is my BAAAAYBAAAY, aren’t you, Miss Prettiest Bird in the World!?!? Do you like daddy’s new girlfriend??!”

At this point, I managed to escape the entanglement of the bed sheets and got up and out of the bed. I was then RUNNING out the door and didn’t care that I didn’t have my shoes on in the middle of a Chicago January. I was deathly afraid I was going to end up in a hole with Precious tossing me a bottle of lotion to rub on my skin.

Yeah, he didn’t get laid. THANK GOD!!!!!

Posted by StewFox at 12:57 pm

A little crazy, but she's got perfect teeth

Crazy Suitor, Drugs/Alcohol, Guy Story - No Sex for Girl, How Not To Get Laid, Humiliation, Lothario Story 7 Responses »
Sep 172008

Submitted by Charlie, Age 38, Houston

I worked at a business software company for 8 years as Network Administrator, and during that time successfully bedded about half of the female personnel; surprisingly, I still had a pretty good reputation, which I attributed to my being honest with women and treating them right before and after each one-night stand. Hell, I mean they even recommended me to one another.

Then we hired a new receptionist for the main desk, and this chick was dazzling. Beautiful red hair, face like a china doll, hazel eyes, built like a brick shithouse, smart, witty, effervescent personality, everybody loved her from day one. Within two weeks I had her heels on my shoulders at the Marriott, and I seriously thought this girl was The One. I soon learned through the grapevine that she thought the same thing about me.

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Posted by StewFox at 12:10 pm

A Recipe For Ruining A Sure Thing

Drugs/Alcohol, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Humiliation, Icky and/or Gross, Virginity 1 Response »
Sep 112008

Submitted by Jimmy, Age 22, Salt Lake City, UT

So I’m from Salt Lake City, UT. You may have heard rumors about this place. Despite what you have heard, one thing Salt Lake City is known for is getting some ‘hanky panky.’ However, I’m still 22 years old and still haven’t had the opportunity to get some–until just the other night.

My friend was hosting a ‘back to school’ party last weekend. He and a bunch of my friends are off to college and so they threw one last rager before moving away. They had jungle juice, jello shots and all the food you could eat. I figured I better eat something if I’m going to drink with them. So they grilled up some burgers and dogs and I had like 4 hot dogs. Anyway, this girl, (we’ll name her…Beth) comes in, and I’m introduced to her by my friends at the party. They’ve been feeling bad for me cause I’m the only one who hasn’t gotten busy yet. My friends tell me that hooking up with her is like ‘shooting fish in a barrel.’ And I’ll admit, she’s not the best looker in the bunch, but she sure has a great body. She starts off by pouring me a huge glass of jungle juice. I don’t drink much but I figured, “Why not?” She proceeds to ask me all sorts of questions about myself…Then I realize my friends have put her up to this. I mean, I know that she’s had sex with basically everyone there. I’ve heard the stories. Is it really my turn to get some?

Well to make a long story short, we drank more jungle juice–and more and more! Next thing you know, I had completely blacked out but somehow wandered into a strange bedroom with her. When I suddenly came too, it was dark and the only thing I could smell was her nasty perfume and suddenly…I threw up. She screams in horror and turns on the lights. My pants were down and she was already half naked! But as I looked across the bed, I threw up a bunch of hot dogs and juice and she was horrified. She basically threw her clothes on and ran out of the room. It was all of a sudden!

So if you want to know how not to get laid, don’t eat a bunch of hot dogs then follow it up with Jungle juice. No matter who you are..that will just extinguish any attempt to get some.

Posted by StewFox at 3:44 pm

What are you trying to say exactly?

College, Drugs/Alcohol, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Lack of Balls, On Being Good, Virginity 4 Responses »
Aug 262008

Submitted by Shy Nerd, Age 24, Portland OR

So I entered and exited adolescence a shy, bashful nerdy type who had many chances to get laid and ended up successfully avoiding each one. The funniest story, however, came when I was still a virgin and in college. I had this female friend who I had developed a huge crush on, but I didn’t tell her because I knew she had a long distance boyfriend and I was much too awkward to entertain the idea that someone I was sexually attracted to shared an attraction for me.

We had been friends for a while and sexual tensions developed, but I figured they were all on my end. One night, after a dorm party, we ended up in her room, alone. We sat on her bed and talked for a little while, both a little buzzed from some rotgut vodka. After a short time talking, she gets up and says, “I’m just going to put on some music.” She puts on some soft instrumental music and we continue to sit on the bed. I have a stupid grin on my face (as I usually do) and continue to think about nothing. After a couple minutes of silence, she says “I’m just going to dim the lights.” I continue to sit on the bed and think about nothing.

After a few more minutes of silence, she says “I’m tired. Do you want to lie down?” So we both lay in her bed, and a few more minutes of silence pass by. Slowly, the gears in my head are in motion and I start to wonder if she may have an ulterior motive. After at least five more minutes pass by of us both lying in bed together underneath dimmed lights with soft music playing in the background, she says “Look, maybe we shouldn’t hang out so much anymore. I’m afraid something is going to happen.”

And this is exactly what I thought: “Something was going to happen?”

Posted by StewFox at 11:37 am

A Golden Oldie

College, Crazy Suitor, Drugs/Alcohol, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Icky and/or Gross, Virginity 5 Responses »
Aug 102008

Submitted by Cleanup man, Age 49, Denver suburbs

Just found this site and thought I’d confess a story that NOBODY knows. It happened freshman year of college.

We went to another school to meet girls and one came back to my dorm room with me. I was a virgin when I went off to college but had been doing pretty well in catching up to my slow start.

We had been drinking heavily and the last thing I recall is sitting down on the bed with her.

When I awoke from my drunken stupor in the morning, she was gone. My underwear was gone, yet my jeans were fully zipped and buttoned.

As I puzzled through that concept, I turned and looked at my dorm floor and there sat a pile of feces in a large golden pool.

I have no idea what the hell happened or why she crapped on my floor. But I sure cleaned it up before my roommate got back.

Posted by StewFox at 8:58 am

Funny Is on the Body of the Beholder

Crazy Suitor, Drugs/Alcohol, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Lothario Story, Travel 3 Responses »
Jul 282008

Submitted by C, Age 27, Europe

So I had been traveling for a couple of months, kinda slumming it, and hadn’t been laid in a while. It was beginning to grate, getting to that stage where desperation was soon to follow. Then, a new girl showed up at the hostel-come-beach house where I’d been staying for a couple of days. She was cute, killer accent, and, most importantly, seemed pretty loose. I spent the next three or four days alternatively trying to woo her then surprise sex her. Progress was limited.

Finally, one night after a tantalizing water fight with wet t-shirts, we did a little kissing in the club. She told me she liked me but that I was getting too wasted every night. I promised I’d take it easy on the booze and show her a good time. We wandered back to the house and chatted a little on the veranda. Critically, we had a few more drinks. Then, she announced she was going to bed. She walked toward her room, gave me a meaningful look that I felt in my pants, and went in, leaving the door ajar behind her. I could see her pulling off some clothes as she got into bed.

I walked to her doorway.
I was pretty excited.
But I was pretty drunk.
I stubbed my foot on a litre bottle of water.
I had a funny idea.
She rolled over in the bed when I came in. I could see she was naked. I soaked her with a litre of cold water.

Two minutes later I was back outside her door again. This time it was closed. And locked. And the desperation settled in nicely for the foreseeable future.

Posted by StewFox at 2:13 pm

Watch The Mouth

Drugs/Alcohol, Foot In Mouth, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid 2 Responses »
Apr 202008

Submitted by Anon, Age 20, UK

I’ve always been a bit shite with girls. In my 20 years of life I’ve slept with only two girls, one of which was more of a “was mounted by a whale” than a proper lay.

I broke up with my ex about 15 months ago now. I haven’t had sex in the last 16 months or so.

So that’s the backstory over and done with. Now, I’m a beatboxer, which (for those who don’t know) means imitating sounds, mainly percussion instruments, with one’s mouth. This also gives me access to the single finest chat up line in existence.

At a house party there was a stunner showing a very real interest in me. I danced around with her (about as well as a lanky white boy can anyway) and did some beatboxing for her. Ten minutes of beatboxing later and she’s obviously impressed. “That’s amazing” she says, “how can you do all of that?”

“Well, you know what they say about us beatboxers”, I replied. “We’re good with out mouths”.

That should have been the end of it, but I was drunk.

“I bet you are”, she said with a wink. “You’ll have to show–”

But she was interrupted by me suddenly bursting out into loud laughter, incoherently babbling about us beatboxers also having big willies, before I walked off giggling to get another drink.

Posted by StewFox at 2:32 pm
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