Archive for the 'Cars' Category
Submitted by Ginger
Okay, so here I am at the ripe old age of 22, just got out of a long, life-wasting relationship, and I was on the rebound. My priority in life at this point was to go out, get drunk, and get laid. One night, I did go out, did get drunk, and was talking to a guy who somehow was getting progressively cuter as the night progressed. It happens, you’ve lived it, let’s move on. So, a couple, two, three more drinks later, he is suddenly the funniest guy I’ve ever met, and for some reason, I decided that we should leave and get things rolling.
Now, I’m not an overly materialistic girl, but when I saw the ”Hello this is my Grandma’s car” car that he was proudly sporting, I started to lose my buzz, but I didn’t let this get to me until I got into his car to see that he was, indeed, sitting on a cushion. My grandma did this because she was shrinking and needed the boost. Okay…letting this slide.
End at his house. Still lives with the parents, and I was assuming he was about my age — no biggie. We sneak into his basement room, have another drink, and then it starts to go from there. Make it onto his bed, start fooling around, having a grand old time, and all of a sudden I hear this SCCCCCCCRRRRREEEEEEAAAAAAAAACCCCCHHHH SSSSSQQQQQwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaccccck!!!
Ok WTF was that!?!? I ask. So…Grandma Ride jumps up out of the bed half naked and goes, “OHHH I didn’t introduce you to Annie!!!”
I’m sitting here thinking “Who is Annie and WTF is Annie spewing out that wretched ear piercing noise!?!?”
So the guy, who is getting rapidly uglier by the second as my buzz has just about completely dissipated, proceeds to run across the basement half clothed to go get this enormously huge parrot and bring it into the bed! I’M HALF NAKED HERE, BUD!
”Do you want to see how Annie is a good girl and can do her tricks?!?”
Uhhh, not so much, but I was not having much choice here as I was hurriedly getting dressed. (And you all know how getting dressed fast doesn’t seem to work; legs are in arm holes, etc.etc.) Well as he spewed out random “baby talk” antics to this thing, Annie decided she apparently didn’t like me. Annie was eyeing me down with her beady little eyes and I was giving her THE LOOK right back. Annie swoops off, not like a “pretty little girlie” and flies at me going for my head! At this time I proceeded to lie on the bed and pull the blanket over my head, swearing to myself that I was NEVER drinking again and I should try celibacy.
Now, instead of, I don’t know, GETTING THE BIRD AWAY FROM ME, this creep calmly says, ”Oh, Annie is upset because you are laying on her pillow. You should move over.”
You let your bird sleep in your bed?!!?
”Why of course! She is my BAAAAYBAAAY, aren’t you, Miss Prettiest Bird in the World!?!? Do you like daddy’s new girlfriend??!”
At this point, I managed to escape the entanglement of the bed sheets and got up and out of the bed. I was then RUNNING out the door and didn’t care that I didn’t have my shoes on in the middle of a Chicago January. I was deathly afraid I was going to end up in a hole with Precious tossing me a bottle of lotion to rub on my skin.
Yeah, he didn’t get laid. THANK GOD!!!!!
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Submitted by Mark, Age 50, Michigan
After my divorce when I was 27, I moved back in with my parents so I could get back on my feet. I started hanging out at a bar across town near where I worked. I made real good friends with the bar maid after a few weeks. We used to play darts when nobody was in the bar later at night. I could tell she was into me as much as I was into her.
She got off early from work one night and suggested we take our relation to the next level. Since she was a single parent we couldn’t go back to her place because the babysitter was her sister, and my parents just wouldn’t understand. We decided to go to a motel on the other side of the river.
As we were crossing the bridge, my car hit a pothole and dented the tire rim enough to cause the tire to go flat. I pulled over and got out to change the tire during a pouring rain storm. 15 minutes later we were back on the road and heading to the motel. Once we got there I went in to get a room when I reached for my wallet I found it wasn’t in my pocket. It must have fallen out when I was changing the tire. I had no money and I couldn’t ask this hot looking woman to pay.
When I got back into the car and told her what had happened, she looked at me with this very sexy sad face and said maybe another time then because she had to get home to her children. On our way back, I stopped where I fixed the tire and found my wallet right where it fell out of my pocket. She leaned over the seat in the car and kissed my cheek and said maybe next time.
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Submitted by “I don’t wanna talk about it,” Age 24, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
I’m not sure how to describe the place. It was a typical street outside a bar that played loud heavy-metal music and was packed with depressed teenager in black, which I was at the time. I was there sharing beers with a friend. While I was still sober, a girl came to talk to me and said she thought I was cute.
I didn’t respond. Not that I was embarrassed or anything, but I didn’t find her very attractive.
In response to my silence she said, “You don’t liked me. Okay,” and left.
Many beers later (and I do mean MANY) I saw the same girl and told my friend “She’s ugly as hell, but I’ll take her.” I tapped my friend on the shoulder and went to talk to her. I don’t think she gave me time to finish a whole sentence before kissing me. After this kiss, she took me by the arm, heading to the corner.
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Submitted by Michelle, Age 20, California
I was in college (this was not too long ago), and I was doing some volunteering through school. I gave rides from the work site to the school for a few weeks. Usually I got stuck with two annoying girls and this one good looking guy. I was shy so we all just talked about music. The last week, the girls don’t show, and I tell the guy that he looks like one of those kids who gets stoned right before class. He said he did that in high school and asked me if I did too. I am hung over from the night before (and that is another how not to get laid story) and I decide to practice some flirting on him since this is the last time I am volunteering (which means the last time I will see him). So I decide to tell him that all I did in high school was have sex. I told him how I probably had sex more times than he got high (I left out that it was with one boy and I haven’t done it since). He seems shocked, and I feel stupid, but we are almost back to school. Then, just as I am pulling up to the parking spot, he says, “I have an hour before class. Want to go to my dorm?” Suddenly, what I have been hoping for has come to pass, but I can not get myself to say a word. I am speechless. And he just says, “That’s okay,” and gets out of the car and walks away. And I bang my head against the wheel and go, “why?!?!”
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Submitted by Paul, Age 36, Baltimore, MD
I’m in high school. My girlfriend Laura is driving. She parks her Toyota on top of a hill in the middle of the woods. You could call this make-out point except I don’t think anyone else knows about this place except us. At last, we’re alone, two virgins, and the moment is right.
We start making out furiously, and it’s the greatest thing I’ve ever experienced in my 17 years on earth. So hot. So incredibly hot. The parking brake keeps poking me in the side, but I push it down; nothing is getting in between Laura and me now. I climb on top of her, and our limbs intertwine with a passion I’ve only dreamed about up until that point.
… which is probably why neither of us noticed the car slowly rolling backwards. Until …
“Holy shit!”
Suddenly, the Toyota is in the woods and rolling backwards downhill — FAST! God bless, Laura, her foot somehow found the brake before we killed ourselves. But not before the rear of the car had sustained major damage. We came to rest with the back fender hooked around a tree trunk, and we were stuck.
Laura tried starting the car, I got out and pushed, but it was muddy and the car was not going anywhere. For a fleeting moment I thought, “hey we’re stuck, we might as well have the sex we were planning on having anyway,” but one look at Laura’s panic-stricken face and I wisely shelved that plan. The rest of the night only got worse. We had to walk for three miles to find a house where we could call our parents, who then called the police and a tow truck. We gave elaborate explanations for how we happened to be stranded in the woods so suspiciously, so late at night, but it couldn’t have been too hard for anyone to guess what had really happened. We were both grounded for a teenage eternity, forced to pay for repairs, and prevented from seeing each other for so long that it would be more than six months before we finally managed to have sex with each other.
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Valentine’s Day was probably not the best night for a first date, but we were both single and I figured it might make a good story if things actually worked out. We met at a restaurant, though I didn’t learn until we met up that she didn’t have a car and conned a friend of hers into driving her over to the restaurant at the last minute. Things started off on a decidedly low point when she asked me right off the bat if my parents were divorced because she was also looking to set up her mother, and wouldn’t it be fun for us to go out on a double-date: me and my dad with her and her mom. (My parents just celebrated their 35th wedding anniversary this past August.)
Over dinner, she began to tell me about her prior boyfriends, most of whom had been abusive in various ways. I also heard of her parents’ messy divorce, her father’s alcoholism, her repressed memories that are starting to surface (some of which involved more abuse) and about a thousand other details about her life – mostly because I couldn’t get in a word edgewise.
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(27 votes, average: 4.52 out of 5)
(34 votes, average: 3.56 out of 5)