How Not to Get Laid

(When I first got the idea for this website, it never occurred to me that some people out there might literally be looking for ways to avoid getting laid. Enter a formerly closeted gay male friend of mine. I hope you enjoy his story as much as I did. – SF)

Try being an “ambiguously” gay man your entire life when trying to get with girls. One girl I dated was extremely out of my league. Beautiful. I never brought up sex, but she kept hinting. If I wanted to hide my sexual orientation, I couldn’t duck the issue forever. Out of pure fear from having to have intercourse, I decided upon an alternate strategy. I would make the sex all about her. In a place I liked to call: Every Girl’s Fantasy. I would get her off before I ever had to have sex.

Well, I went downtown, and, sure enough, she had an orgasm. But afterwards, I think her exact quote was, “please put it in.” I – being gay and all – was as soft as my limp wrist.
I said, ” I don’t have any condoms.” Strategic, I know. She said, “It’s okay, I’m on the pill.” Then I said, “I always want to play it safe anyway.” and then she of course said, “You don’t trust me.” I had three choices at this point: have sex, please her orally again, or carry out the whole “trust” argument.

I took a deep breath, used my finger, used my tongue, and brought her to orgasm again. To this day, she claims I was the best she ever had at pleasing her orally.

BOYS, PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME! JUST COME OUT! IT’S MUCH EASIER!

Submitted by Nate, Age 28, Chicago

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