How Not to Get Laid

Submitted by Ginger

Okay, so here I am at the ripe old age of 22, just got out of a long, life-wasting relationship, and I was on the rebound. My priority in life at this point was to go out, get drunk, and get laid. One night, I did go out, did get drunk, and was talking to a guy who somehow was getting progressively cuter as the night progressed. It happens, you've lived it, let's move on. So, a couple, two, three more drinks later, he is suddenly the funniest guy I've ever met, and for some reason, I decided that we should leave and get things rolling.

Now, I'm not an overly materialistic girl, but when I saw the "Hello this is my Grandma's car" car that he was proudly sporting, I started to lose my buzz, but I didn't let this get to me until I got into his car to see that he was, indeed, sitting on a cushion. My grandma did this because she was shrinking and needed the boost. Okay, letting this slide.

End at his house. Still lives with the parents, and I was assuming he was about my age — no biggie. We sneak into his basement room, have another drink, and then it starts to go from there. Make it onto his bed, start fooling around, having a grand old time, and all of a sudden I hear this SCCCCCCCRRRRREEEEEEAAAAAAAAACCCCCHHHH SSSSSQQQQQwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaccccck!!!

Ok WTF was that!?!? I ask. So Grandma Ride jumps up out of the bed half naked and goes, "OHHH I didn't introduce you to Annie!!!"

I'm sitting here thinking “Who is Annie and WTF is Annie spewing out that wretched ear piercing noise!?!?"

So the guy, who is getting rapidly uglier by the second as my buzz has just about completely dissipated, proceeds to run across the basement half clothed to go get this enormously huge parrot and bring it into the bed! I'M HALF NAKED HERE, BUD!"

Do you want to see how Annie is a good girl and can do her tricks?!?"

Uhhh, not so much, but I was not having much choice here as I was hurriedly getting dressed. (And you all know how getting dressed fast doesn't seem to work; legs are in arm holes, etc.etc.) Well as he spewed out random "baby talk" antics to this thing, Annie decided she apparently didn't like me. Annie was eyeing me down with her beady little eyes and I was giving her THE LOOK right back. Annie swoops off, not like a "pretty little girlie" and flies at me going for my head! At this time I proceeded to lie on the bed and pull the blanket over my head, swearing to myself that I was NEVER drinking again and I should try celibacy.

Now, instead of, I don't know, GETTING THE BIRD AWAY FROM ME, this creep calmly says, "Oh, Annie is upset because you are laying on her pillow. You should move over."

"You let your bird sleep in your bed?!!?"

"Why of course! She is my BAAAAYBAAAY, aren't you, Miss Prettiest Bird in the World!?!? Do you like daddy's new girlfriend??!" At this point, I managed to escape the entanglement of the bed sheets and got up and out of the bed. I was then RUNNING out the door and didn't care that I didn't have my shoes on in the middle of a Chicago January. I was deathly afraid I was going to end up in a hole with Precious tossing me a bottle of lotion to rub on my skin.

Yeah, he didn't get laid. THANK GOD!!!!!

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