How Not to Get Laid

Submitted by Stewart Fox, Age 29, Los Angeles

After a wonderful April and a spectacular March, May has been strangely silent here at HNTGL. Just when I started to think that more and more people were visiting the site and submitting stories, the flow of new material suddenly and mysteriously stopped. Why? I’m not sure. I’ve long since given up trying to understand the logic behind when people submit stories and when they don’t.

But as I wait for my readers to once again share their tales of intrigue and humor, I thought I’d submit an entry myself. You see, my inbox hasn’t exactly been empty these past few weeks. I’ve had quite a lot of e-mail — only, of the spam variety. Spam irks me because I don’t understand it. Can spam actually be successful? Do spammers actually make money? How? Who, in this day and age, is foolish enough to actually give a spammer their money? The nonsensical spam irks me the most, the random letters and words that don’t even attempt to sell any bogus products, the meaningless sludge that pollutes without purpose.

But the most amusing spam is the penis spam. And that stuff seems very much in the spirit of this website. For anyone who actually responds to such spam is clearly barking up a tree that is planted in Notgettinglaidanytimethiscenturyville, USA. So, without further ado, some penis spam subject lines that I’ve received this year:

Being 3 inches longer, and thicker, means a world of difference to your confidence and to the women around you.

Before you read the rest of these, try and picture this and the other subject headings in a literal way. Imagine a man, suddenly 3 inches longer AND thicker, and the world of difference this change is ostensibly making to the multitude of women around him. Who are these women? Most men know many women but only sleep with a small portion of them, if any. For any woman who IS sleeping with this man, she is probably in great vaginal pain and quite distressed. For all the other women — his mother, his co-workers, etc. — how are they experiencing this world of difference?

Here are some more. Remember, try and read them literally.

Get more flesh on your pole

Be prepared to deal with locker room stares after this.

This last one I love:

Blast your way through the opposition with your Giant Gun!

And now a couple lines from the texts of these emails.

Try it now and make them voice a more fitting definition of your new huge male meat!

P.S Now I can cum 7 times during the night. Do you fell the difference?

How can any girl not fell the difference? I’m sure this guy’s girlfriend is a pretty lucky lady. I will leave you today with one subject heading that I think sums it all up:

Do not make the mistake of being content with your d1ck

Gentlemen, please make that mistake. Please. Or the spammers win.

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