How Not to Get Laid

(Finally, a gritty realistic portrait of married life in the twenty-first century! I’m not usually a fan of lists, but this entry was too good to resist. — SF)

As a married man, I have learned that there are far more ways not to get laid than to get laid. By comparison, as a single guy, you can pretty much fall down and accidentally have sex with someone. You’ll be walking down the street, trip on your shoelace, and find yourself banging your best friend’s girlfriend.

Once you are married, though, the whole sex thing becomes much more challenging. Despite years of having sex, we marrieds still have no idea what we are supposed to do to get it. So every time we do do it, it is some kind of happy accident, like finding a winning lottery ticket, or learning that your Thai hooker doesn’t have AIDS. So I don’t have the slightest idea how to get laid. But as a married man, here are some ways I have found not to get laid:

1) Fart in wife’s face
2) Remark that polygamy seems like a pretty sweet deal
3) Describe wife’s body odor as “soul-wilting”
4) Perform naked jumping jacks
5) Ask, jokingly, if the secret ingredient is horse vomit
6) Remark that wife’s best friend “should probably be gassed”
7) Note that wife sweats an awful lot for someone who doesn’t move very much
8) Ask about doing it with sister-in-law

Any others I am missing?

Submitted by Gary, Age 29, New York

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