How Not to Get Laid

Submitted by Kayla, Age 28, San Francisco

A couple years ago, I met this guy online. He seemed real funny and gave good e-mail. I was excited for our first date. We met at an Italian restaurant, and he looked gorgeous. So far, so good.

“So how was your day?”

Here’s where he screws it up. He starts telling me about going to the doctor that day for an STD test. Yes, that’s right. He made sure to explain that he was 99.99% sure he was fine. He heard from a friend that a girl he was with three years ago now had gonorrhea, and even though he had no symptoms, even though this girl used to be real innocent when she dated him and subsequently turned into a slut, even though he had no real reason to believe he had an STD, he just wanted to make sure. He tried to make this a humorous anecdote, delivering it in an “aren’t I so edgy and ironic to be talking about STDs on a first date” sort of way. He also seemed to think this story showed how uber-responsible and clean he actually was, that it was a real feather in his cap that he’d just gone for an STD test, even though he didn’t really need to.

Was he a bad guy? No. And I’m sorry if I sound judgmental, but the moment he said the word “gonorrhea,” my vagina closed up shop and the game was over. Guys, just remember, no matter how charming you think you are, there are some things you just don’t mention on a first date.

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