How Not to Get Laid

Submitted by Joseph, Age 21, Massachusetts

Sophomore year. I had been flirting with this totally gorgeous girl in my biochem class for months (let’s call her “Dana”), and that flirting had finally paid off. We went together to a concert on campus and were walking back in the direction of our dorms. We were talking about the strangest places we’d ever hooked up with anyone when we passed this row of hedges. Taking my chance, I asked, “have you ever made out with anyone on the other side of that hedge?”

She smiled and shook her head. “Have you?”

“No.”

We jumped over the hedge onto the grass on the other side. I leaned in to kiss her, and that’s when it hit me: her breath.

I don’t know how to describe it except to say it smelled like something down her throat had died and was starting to decompose. I could barely stand it.

I decided to switch strategies, and said, “you know, this is not exactly comfortable. I do have a bed in my room which is a lot softer.” I also have some chocolates and breath mints there too, I thought.

Dana agreed, and we went back to my room. The moment I opened the the door, she pressed me up against the wall and started making out with me. Normally, this would have been cool, but with that breath… no way.

“I’m gonna have some chocolate,” I said. “It’s real good stuff. Do you want some?”

“No thanks.”

“I have other stuff too,” I said. “Dr. Pepper, Jelly Belly’s, Altoids?”

“No thanks, I’m trying to stay away from sugary stuff.”

“You sure? This chocolate is seriously good.”

She politely refused. I had no ideas left. All I knew was that I couldn’t spend too much longer kissing this foul-mouthed (but totally hot) girl. I did the only remaining thing I could think of to do: I faked sickness. I had mentioned before how I wondered whether our spicy dinner would make us sick. Now, I decided to take advantage of that earlier comment. We started making out on the bed again, and I pretended that I wasn’t feeling very well. It was awkward, but I managed to weasel my way out of hooking up with her, and asked if I could take a rain check.

The killer thing was, I think Dana really wanted to have sex with me that night. And you can bet your ass I wanted to have sex with her. But I figured, if we’d gotten this far, there would be other opportunities. I could just wait till next time, when her breath would hopefully be less abbhorent. But, of course, there never was a next time. I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve spent pondering the events that prevented us from going on that second date (that’s a whole other story!), and I suppose I still hold out hope that we might hook up again for real before we graduate. But it’s senior year, and our paths rarely cross these days, so… I’m not holding my breath.

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