How Not to Get Laid

Submitted by FilmFan, Age 27, Atlanta, GA

So I go out to see my friend’s band at a venue that was a few blocks from my house. Afterward, a few of the band members come over and bring some of their friends. We have a few drinks, and as the night goes on, people gradually trickle out. Eventually, the only people left are me, my roommate, and this girl I slightly know who sometimes hangs out with the band. I start getting the impression that the girl is hitting on me (and so does my roommate, who discreetly goes to bed to leave us alone).

After a while, she comes over and sits on my lap. At this point, I’m kind of lukewarm about whether I want to sleep with this girl or not. I’m not really that attracted to her, but I’m drunk and it’s been a while. I decide what the hell, I’ll sleep with her. We were watching CNN or something on TV, which is kinda distracting when you’re making out, so I pick up the remote and change to some random channel.

She looks up and says “Is that Timecop 2?”

Snickering, I look up the show on the TV Guide channel and, sure enough, it’s Timecop 2. I start laughing and say “Do you actually like this movie?”

She says, in all earnestness, “It’s good, but not as good as the first one.”

I’m like “You mean you liked Timecop? The Jean Claude van Damme movie? From like 10 years ago?”

And she says “Yeah, I love Van Damme. I just wish they could have gotten him to do Timecop 2.”

I start laughing, trying to hide my condescension. We make out for a while longer, but I can’t get over the whole JCVD thing. This girl is not for me, I keep thinking. After a while, I stand up, give her a kiss on the cheek, tell her that she can sleep on the couch if she’s too drunk to drive, and go to sleep. I never saw her again.

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