How Not to Get Laid

Submitted by Rich, Age 26, Oakland, CA

I was in college and really hot for this girl. We’d hooked up and teetered on the brink of full-blown sex, but the timing of her monthly cycle had prevented us from going all the way. Then I skipped town — more bad timing — for an extended Spring Break in Russia. For the two weeks I was gone, I fantasized about her constantly. We exchanged a couple flirty e-mails. I was crazy with anticipation, and I arranged to see her on the very night I got back. I couldn’t WAIT to get it on with this girl.

Only one thing I hadn’t counted on: jetlag. My last night in St. Petersburg, I partied straight through till morning. My logic was that this would make it easier to sleep on the plane. No such luck. Door to door it was a twenty hour day of travel, and I hardly slept a wink on any of my three flights. I got home barely an hour before I was set to have my date, and I was running on pure adrenaline.

She picked me up and announced that she’d gotten tickets to see some newly restored print of Citizen Kane (she was a real film buff). This meant a rushed dinner and a movie I absolutely could not get out of. No big deal, I thought, I’ll just power through. I sat down next to her in the movie theater, held her hand, and tried to focus on the sexual delights that awaited me after the closing credits.

About sixty seconds later, I was out.

Next thing I remember was the applause at the end of the movie and feeling like my chin was wet. As I took stock of the situation, I confirmed that there was, in fact, a mighty river of drool which ran down the side of my mouth to my chin and then oozed down onto my shirt where an impressive puddle had already formed.

“Are you awake yet?”

My date was looking at me like I was a criminal. I mopped up the saliva with my sleeve.

“Well that’s gross,” I said, trying to reassure her that this was not typical behavior.

“Uh, YEAH,” she said. “Do you realize you’ve been snoring for the last hour and a half? Like VERY loudly.”

It was true. Apparently my snores had been the subject of numerous laughs and eventually groans throughout the course of the movie. I’d become the accidental star of the picture, much to the mortification of my date, who tried to wake me repeatedly (something I don’t even recall).

As we exchanged glances before exiting the theater, I caught a look in her eyes that I recognized immediately, and my heart sank. It was the look of a girl who had decided she was not going to have sex with me –- that night or ever.

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