How Not to Get Laid

Submitted by Mr. December, Age 28, Flagstaff, AZ

My crush on May was destined to be unrequited. I knew that, I’d accepted that, I really had. I was in a rebuilding and rebounding phase, and I was as horny as a 20 year-old virgin could be.

April was one of May’s best friends, and she knew about the whole May crush and how it didn’t work out, although she had no inkling as to the depth of my affections or the magnitude of my young heartbreak. This was a good thing, because I’d very quickly started noticing that April had striking blue eyes and a luscious figure. And she was flirting with me like nobody’s business. Hey, hadn’t I always kind of fancied April? Why hadn’t we hooked up before?

She could be the one. She could definitely be the one. Suddenly, in my mind, she had to be. I asked her out, she accepted, and I got the vibe that we were both looking forward to taking this longheld mutual appreciation into the realm of the physical.

But first we had to get through the pretense of a romantic Italian dinner out. And when it came time to order, I said, “What are you having, May?”

Shit. I’d called April “May.” She pretended not to make a big deal of it. But it wasn’t too long before discussion went to the whole May issue. “What was the deal with that?” April asked, wanting to hear my side of the story. I told it, albeit in sanitized form. I explained in no uncertain terms that I was absolutely so totally over May, and that the whole thing was in the past.

But then, I accidentally called April by May’s name AGAIN. No big deal, you’re thinking, easy to explain that mistake away, right? Sure. Except that I kept making it. Unbelievably, I managed to call April May a total of five times over the course of the night! And by number five, I’d say that April got wise. Heartbreak, horniness, virginity, and April. Only April was lost that night.

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