How Not to Get Laid

Submitted by Tom, Age 40, Hopkinton, New Hampshire

As a 38 year-old single father, getting back into the dating world was tough enough. Getting laid was even harder. Two years ago, I started dating again, eight months after my ex-wife walked out the door leaving me alone with our two little boys (ages two and six). I knew I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship at that point, but I was lonely, and dammit I was horny! Once the anger, grief, and self-pity subsided, I realized that it had been nine months since I’d gotten laid, and damned if I wasn’t going to change that.

Problem was, I didn’t have much money for dates and babysitters. I did the internet personals thing, and Paula was one of my first contacts. She was a tall skinny nurse with large brown eyes, and she seemed to be cool with the whole “me having kids” thing. We emailed. We talked. We met once for coffee. There seemed to be chemistry. So I invited her to a late dinner at my place.

The boys went to bed early, and I cooked up a lamb stew designed to knock a girl’s socks off. It worked. Before long, we were in my room making out. Then I heard crying from the other room. I tried to ignore it at first, but then realized the problem needed to be addressed. It was Todd, my just-about-to-turn-two-year-old. I excused myself and went to Todd’s room. He seemed inexplicably cranky, and I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. Eventually, I got him to quiet down, sang him his favorite song, and tucked him in again. Thank God.

Game on! The making out with Paula recommenced, and before long, her bra was off and we were both just in our underwear. For the first time in almost a decade, I was fondling a new pair of breasts! And what a pair! I wanted to call everyone I knew to share the wonderful news. I was finally going to have sex again!

That’s when there was a knocking sound on my bedroom door. We cover up just in time for the door to open, revealing my sobbing son Todd, wearing only a half undone diaper from which was leaking the world’s worst case of toddler diarrhea I’d ever seen.

Yes, folks, that killed it. Paula quickly segued from the role of lover into the role of nurse, and I, into the role of janitor. It seemed Todd had the stomach flu, and what followed was an ugly sticky scene. There would be no romance that night.

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