How Not to Get Laid

Submitted by Tom, Age 23, New York

I had a crush on this chick from work, and one day I managed to actually get her back to my apartment. A little conversation, some vino, and we start making out. What a lucky bastard I am! This girl is amazingly hot and totally … well let’s just say: enthusiastic. I can hardly believe it, but it looks like we’re actually gonna sleep together.

Then her phone rings. She answers it. Short pause. Annoying … but, hey, we go right back to making out, so it’s cool.

Then another call. She answers it again. This is less cool. But at least it’s brief. And she apologizes.

“I’m so sorry, baby, I promise it won’t happen again. But before we get back to the task at hand, do you mind if I just check my email for a sec? I just need to check something quickly so I can relax, and then, I promise, I’m all yours. Do you mind?”

Did I mind? She just promised to be all mine. And she called me “baby.” Take your time, doll!

I showed her my computer and everything was good. Until …

“Um, so, Tom, what’s this?”

Shit. She’d found porn. My browser has that auto-fill feature where, when you start typing your web address, recently visited sites with the same first letters also pop up as suggestions. When she started typing, my browser made a suggestion to her and she’d taken it … straight to a porn website. And not just regular porn. That might’ve been okay. But this was some kinky perverse shit, totally on the extreme end of what I get off to. It was the sort of stuff I know better than to try and convince most girls to do, the sort of stuff I’ve learned is best kept to one’s self. But now she’d seen it.

“what’s this?” she asked. Is there ever a good answer to that question? I played dumb. What else could I do?

Thankfully, she didn’t force the issue. It was awkward for her too. She went on to check her e-mail and then oh-so-conveniently got some e-mail which made her realize she’d forgotten some other commitment and she had to go home right away. Whatever. The worst part of it wasn’t that I didn’t get to sleep with her (although that sucked), but it’s that I still had to work with this chick. For the rest of the time I was at that job (about six months), I was always paranoid that this girl would tell everyone what she’d seen on my computer. I never found out whether she did or not. So, to all you gents reading, I encourage you to avoid the stupid mistake I made, conceal your porn well, and adjust your browsers accordingly.

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