How Not to Get Laid

Submitted by lola harrington, Age 35, Mouseville, FL

it’s the early 90s, and i’m 19 and an undergrad at a college in florida’s capital city. i have broken up with my boyfriend who lived in the same apartment complex, but we still get on really well. so well, in fact, that i hang out at his apartment with his three other roommates. he and i stop sleeping together, but from time to time i sleep with his other two roommates … usually separately. ; )

unfortunately for the third roommate, i’m not into him. he’s overweight, a total loud-mouthed hick, pasty-white, and wore really unattractive glasses. he tried to guilt me into sleeping with him, and then called me a whore when i refused. i explained repeatedly that my involvement with his roommates wasn’t a free-for-all, but a
respectful arrangement that happened when we were available and amenable. guilting me into sex was not going to work, i explained, and neither would flattering me. he STILL didn’t get it. so he tried alcohol.

the three roommates, including my ex, were either out of town or at other parties one weekend night. the apartment complex was full of hunch-punch parties, and i tried a kamikaze for the first time that night. suddenly, the fat roommate shows up and begs to be my escort that night. he’ll keep me safe, he promises. aside from being a bit pushy, he’s a nice guy, so i agree.

this guy feeds me kamikaze after kamikaze. after a while, my stomach begins to revolt and i’m puking in the bushes. i was not used to drinking, even at a party college. i decide to call it a night, and he brings me back to his place. remember, this is not pushy or awkward because i’ve spent many nights there with his roommates.

after puking in his bathroom and calling for my mommy, i make it upstairs into his bedroom, which he shared with one of the roommates i had been with. i passed out in bed, not thinking anything would happen. i had puke in my hair, for pete’s sake.

around 3am, i woke up to a feeling of major discomfort. what WAS that? good Lord, it hurt. i half sat up to discover the hayseed roommate had put his entire thumb UP MY ASS. i have never in my life been able to handle anything in that area, which is obvious because it woke me from a drunken sleep. i yelled, “what in the HELL are you doing?”

he stammered, “uh, uh, well, i just thought. i mean, you were in my bed, and…”

i began yelling at the top of my lungs for him to get OUT and go downstairs and sleep on the couch, and that he was never to talk to me or touch me again. in the middle of my screaming at him for being such a douche, the two roommates who had come home run in from the other bedroom in shock.

i yell, “this ASSHOLE dragged me back here after i puke, and then waits for me to pass out so he can shove his thumb up my butt! it HURTS! my butt HURTS!!!” they gave him a huge rationing of shit and threw him out of the room. he slept downstairs while one of them cuddled with me to calm me down (no sexing attempts; he was the gentleman) and the other one slept in the other bed to ensure that Thumb Boy didn’t return for an additional assault.

i still don’t know why he chose to assault my ass with his thumb. was it that he didn’t know the difference due to major sexual inexperience? was he a butt fetishist? did he think i wouldn’t notice if he put his thumb in my butt? i’m afraid it will remain one of my undergrad unsolved mysteries.

Thumb Boy was not able to live this down. all of the girls in our apartment complex heard about it, and the guys ragged on him mercilessly. even on campus he was called names like “Little Johnny Horner” (you remember, sitting in a corner? stuck his thumb in a pie and said “what a good boy am i?”). not only was he unattractive, a hick, pasty-white, and overweight, but he had the unfortunate reputation for not knowing the difference between “the pink” and “the stink.”

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