Archive for August 2008
Good things sometimes happen at peculiar times. This has been a big week for How Not To Get Laid. We’ve turned up on Nerve’s Scanner blog, Salon.com’s Broadsheet, and MetaFilter. We’re the blog of the day on Crap We Like!, and there will be more press in the days to come.
How is this peculiar timing? I just left on vacation, and will be very hard to reach for these next 10 days. On a practical level, this won’t affect you guys much. I’ve been getting a bunch of new stories in, and I will try to keep a steady flow of posts while I’m gone. But don’t expect me to return e-mails for a bit.
Meanwhile, if you’re new to the site, welcome! Stick around a while. Read our old stories. And, most importantly, submit your own. I can’t wait to hear about how you almost got laid.
talk to you soon,
Stewart
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Submitted by Clark
I was 23 and in my final year of university. I had a couple classes with this quirky little goth chick who had huge boobs. She worked out like maniac because she loved to ogle herself in corsets, and once she told me that, I figured it would be great to eventually see that myself.
We met up at a diner so that she could help me with the final project in a media course I had been skipping. When we left, she just followed me home without asking or being invited.
I took that as a pretty obvious sign and immediately changed body language on the elevator. On the couch, I just blurted out “you have a nice ass, let me feel it,” and she obligingly stood up and turned around so that I could do so. I proceeded to basically feel up her entire body, and it was pretty nice and erotic.
The I smelled her breath. It smelled like she had a piece of rotting meat stuck in her teeth from a few meals ago. You know that smell you sometimes get on your dental floss that makes you want to vomit? I was immediately turned off.
At the time I was a bit depressed, so I didn’t just get turned off but immediately just wanted to sleep for a few hours and forget the whole situation.
I told her I had to crash immediately, and she said she wanted to take a nap too. Obviously she meant let’s go have sex in your bed, but I acted as if I took her literally, and said, okay, well you hit the couch and that way you don’t have to wake me up as you leave.
That was kind of awkward. I left her in my living room and got into bed naked. After a couple minutes she came in and stood next to my bed. It was so clear that she wanted me to nail her, but I was just so turned off by the breath thing. I considered being honest with her for a moment but I knew that could lead to no good.
So I was lying on my back naked in bed, and this pretty hot little redhead was standing there in the darkness. Suddenly she reached out her hand and started feeling up my arms and shoulders. “You have awesome muscles”, she said. Then she started to slide her hand down my chest towards my stomach. I was completely limp, which if you know me should tell you how oddly turned off I was.
I grabbed her wrist and said I was feeling almost faint I was so tired and if it was okay I was just going to fall asleep right away. She said “uhhhh, okay…” and went for a nap on the couch, I guess either to hold up the pretense or maybe see if I would change my mind and come get her. As soon as I heard her leave about an hour later, I got out of bed and went about my business.
I still feel bad about that, because I actually liked this girl and she was super hot. I also realize that she probably didn’t have bad hygiene in general, just got unlucky. Hell I was probably smelling her stomach acid because she was starving herself for her crazy hot little body.
Damn!
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Submitted by Shy Nerd, Age 24, Portland OR
So I entered and exited adolescence a shy, bashful nerdy type who had many chances to get laid and ended up successfully avoiding each one. The funniest story, however, came when I was still a virgin and in college. I had this female friend who I had developed a huge crush on, but I didn’t tell her because I knew she had a long distance boyfriend and I was much too awkward to entertain the idea that someone I was sexually attracted to shared an attraction for me.
We had been friends for a while and sexual tensions developed, but I figured they were all on my end. One night, after a dorm party, we ended up in her room, alone. We sat on her bed and talked for a little while, both a little buzzed from some rotgut vodka. After a short time talking, she gets up and says, “I’m just going to put on some music.” She puts on some soft instrumental music and we continue to sit on the bed. I have a stupid grin on my face (as I usually do) and continue to think about nothing. After a couple minutes of silence, she says “I’m just going to dim the lights.” I continue to sit on the bed and think about nothing.
After a few more minutes of silence, she says “I’m tired. Do you want to lie down?” So we both lay in her bed, and a few more minutes of silence pass by. Slowly, the gears in my head are in motion and I start to wonder if she may have an ulterior motive. After at least five more minutes pass by of us both lying in bed together underneath dimmed lights with soft music playing in the background, she says “Look, maybe we shouldn’t hang out so much anymore. I’m afraid something is going to happen.”
And this is exactly what I thought: “Something was going to happen?”
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Submitted by Cleanup man, Age 49, Denver suburbs
Just found this site and thought I’d confess a story that NOBODY knows. It happened freshman year of college.
We went to another school to meet girls and one came back to my dorm room with me. I was a virgin when I went off to college but had been doing pretty well in catching up to my slow start.
We had been drinking heavily and the last thing I recall is sitting down on the bed with her.
When I awoke from my drunken stupor in the morning, she was gone. My underwear was gone, yet my jeans were fully zipped and buttoned.
As I puzzled through that concept, I turned and looked at my dorm floor and there sat a pile of feces in a large golden pool.
I have no idea what the hell happened or why she crapped on my floor. But I sure cleaned it up before my roommate got back.
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