How Not to Get Laid

A compendium of coitus rejectus... because we learn more from our failures

A forum for stories about all those amazing sexual encounters you almost had, but didn't.

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Archive for February 2008

Story #100: That’s What Locks Are For

Posted: February 15th, 2008

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(Rejoice, readers! We have finally hit our 100th story! This one’s from Michelle, who had a story posted earlier this week. This tale is just as good as her first, and I think you will enjoy it.–SF)

Submitted by Michelle, Age 20, California

I am at a pool party. I am single for the first time in two years and flirting with everyone. We are having dinner inside, so everyone takes turns going to the changing room and then going inside. I let myself be last, and when I think everyone has gone to the house already, I go to change. It is starting to get cold, so I run in the room and shut the door — not realizing I am not alone. It is actually an ex that I still had a thing for, and he is naked. We both stare at each other for a minute, and then it becomes apparent he still has a thing for me too. So we start making out, and we get turned around so that he is against the door. I am just about to take my swimsuit off when he moves over a bit and hits the latch holding the door shut. The door swings wide open, and he would have fallen backwards except that some of my friends have come to see what’s taking me so long, and he lands right in their arms. He is embarrassed and grabs his clothes and leaves in a hurry. Not only did I not get laid, but I have to live with everyone talking about it for a month.

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If HNTGL doesn’t do it for you, I know a police department you can call …

Posted: February 12th, 2008

1 comment;

Submitted by Eve

When I was in high school, I was an athletic girl and was on some sports teams. Note: I am not petite, but still, sports are my thing, so I’m not fat or anything.

Then came graduation. I wore a stunning brown dress, and normally I wouldn’t have considered wearing something with that much cleavage, but, I figured, it’s my graduation, I’ll never see these people again, and now I can show off something other than my school/athletic skills. So, ok, graduation.

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One Moment of Silence

Posted: February 10th, 2008

1 comment;

Submitted by Michelle, Age 20, California

I was in college (this was not too long ago), and I was doing some volunteering through school. I gave rides from the work site to the school for a few weeks. Usually I got stuck with two annoying girls and this one good looking guy. I was shy so we all just talked about music. The last week, the girls don’t show, and I tell the guy that he looks like one of those kids who gets stoned right before class. He said he did that in high school and asked me if I did too. I am hung over from the night before (and that is another how not to get laid story) and I decide to practice some flirting on him since this is the last time I am volunteering (which means the last time I will see him). So I decide to tell him that all I did in high school was have sex. I told him how I probably had sex more times than he got high (I left out that it was with one boy and I haven’t done it since). He seems shocked, and I feel stupid, but we are almost back to school. Then, just as I am pulling up to the parking spot, he says, “I have an hour before class. Want to go to my dorm?” Suddenly, what I have been hoping for has come to pass, but I can not get myself to say a word. I am speechless. And he just says, “That’s okay,” and gets out of the car and walks away. And I bang my head against the wheel and go, “why?!?!”

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Above Board, Above Belt, Beyond Stupid

Posted: February 2nd, 2008

3 comments so far

Submitted by J. Wordsworth, Age 26, Seattle

I was a freshman in high school. I was 6′3″, skinny, wore glasses and took AP and honors classes. As you can imagine, I was completely inept when it came to girls. Utterly incompetent. I was incapable of saying anything remotely intelligent. I was also painfully aware of how awkward I was, which was a vicious cycle as far as my penis was concerned.

In my biology class I noticed this girl. She was attractive, and more importantly, she talked to me. More accurately, she had to talk to me as she was my lab partner. She was into drama and also ballet. I didn’t know why I was drawn to a girl with demonstrated flexibility at the time; I just vaguely knew that it was good for a girl to be flexible (probably natural male instinct). She also had a car. And a license. I was 15 and had neither. Perfect scenario for me.

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