Archive for January 2008
Submitted by Michael, 19, Helsinki, Finland
For some reason I tend to end up dating girls with some sort of self-issues. Because of this, getting beyond third base is an even bigger leap than usually.
We had gone to bed like so many times before and were doing mutual masturbation. Unfortunately it wasn’t quite mutual. I was doing it fairly right from the sound of it, but her idea of masturbating me was still pretty much grabbing my private parts more than firmly enough and jerking them as if she were trying to pull them loose. It hurt. A lot.
She had self-issues and I tried my best to not fuel them, but I had to stop her. It was simply not enjoyable in even the most remote sense. She burst into tears over it, and what started as a steamy evening ended with me trying to awkwardly comfort a girl who was absolutely convinced she was a complete failure as a woman.
I blame Sex and the City for giving her that idea.
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Submitted by Bradley, Age 25, Quebec
I’ve never been much of a pick-up artist; in part because the idea of one night stands has never particularly interested me, and second (which might really be the reason for that first part), because I’ve never managed to hook one up, rare though the attempts were.
That being said, I guess I’m not so great at picking up signals from girls who might actually be interested. And by signals, I mean blatant offers… Case in point:
I’m at the bar. Now, when I go to the bar, it’s to get drunk, not laid. So, I was, well, pretty damned drunk. To date, that’s my excuse.
So I’m at the bar, and I see a girl I knew vaguely from work. By “know,” I mean that I knew her name. She knew mine, and we’d exchanged the occasional hello. That’s about it.
So we get to some small-talk at the bar, and I don’t think we’d properly gotten past the “how’s it goin’?” phase of the conversation before she asks me if I need a place to stay for the night.
Now, like I said, not so much with the picking up on (blatant) signals.
So in a confident voice, I tell her, “Yes, as a matter of fact, I’m crashing on my friend’s couch.”
And that was that. She went off hunting for more apt candidates, and I took a couple of hours to figure out that I’d essentially declined a bald offer of sex…
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Submitted by JP
note: this falls a little outside the norm for stories, but it seems to be in the spirit of the website.
I was getting physical with a girl I worked with at a Christian camp. We had spent the entire summer focusing on our work and not noticing our increasing attraction to each other until camp ended and things got intense fast. Over the course of our encounters throughout the week, we had approached second base, but were still admittedly some time away from “sealing the deal”, so to speak. Things were definitely headed in that direction though, and as young infatuation tends, our conversations crept towards speculations of the future and long-lasting love.
On one of our frequent walks, we had a discussion about marriage, as a principle. I made the mistake of telling her about some of my more unconventional (considering our conservative context) views of marriage- as in, I didn’t need the government’s approval to be married and I doubted I’d be interested in a legal ceremony.
Well, it was as if the wind rushed through the window and blew the candle out. This notion of mine flew in the face of her more traditional views, and she said, not quite so plainly, but on the spot, that if our views on marriage didn’t complement each other, well, what was the point of going any further?
Needless to say, there would be no doubles or triples from that point on, much less a trip around the bases. The fire had been doused by a bucket of holy water.
The first lesson? Know your audience. I would have liked it if things had gone on a little longer, but I was too idealistic and naive to think that something as simple as an opinion on marriage could deter blinding passion.
The second? Think twice before getting involved with a conservative.
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Submitted by Elizabeth, Age 25, Austin, TX
I was drinking with one of my really good guy friends (or so I thought). In the past we had hooked up. So why not again? I told him to use a condom. In the middle of the deed, he messes up the condom. He tells me “I did not get off,” then asks me “are you on birth control?”
I said “no.” He began grilling me about why I was not on the pill. To me, this is the kind of conversation you only have with someone you are dating. I actually had another condom in my purse, but by this point I was completely and utterly turned off. Then, not once, not twice, but three times he offered to buy me the morning after pill so we could finish having sex.
I had no idea how to respond. Honestly, I have never had a guy suggest that. For the first time in my life, a guy made me speechless. I would expect this kind of behavior from a one night stand but not a friend. So, I got dressed and left. I have not talked to him since. Maybe, eventually, we will be friends again, but the sex thing is a no go.
So boys/men: never offer a girl the morning after pill unless you are in a serious relationship. Practice safe sex and stock up on condoms.
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Happy New Year! To the over-sexed, the under-sexed, the appropriately sexed, and the comedically sexed, I wish you a wonderful 2008. It’s been a little over a year since I launched this site, and I thought I’d take a second or two to give y’all a little update.
Since my first post in December of 2006, our community has shared a total of 95 stories (including tomorrow’s story), and have had over 55,000 visitors to the site. Not bad for a first year. You may have noticed, however, that the fall has been rather slow for us, and the frequency of postings has dropped in a major way since the summer. Here’s why:
I launched the site with a large stockpile of stories from friends, and in those early months, I was very aggressive about emailing bloggers and similar websites to get the HNTGL name out there. This was quite successful. I gave a bunch of interviews, the website got a few nice write-ups, and with each of these came more traffic and more stories. Due to my significant backlog and aggressive networking, I was able to post about three stories a week, and at the time, I thought this was just swell. My hope was that once we got HNTGL off to a good start, the site would spread on its own, and I would no longer have to worry about pestering strangers for stories.
I was partly right and partly wrong. Sometime over the summer, I realized that this venture was monopolizing my time at the expense of my other (actual moneymaking) work, and I decided I needed to let go a bit, to let the site sink or swim based on its own merits. I stopped my marketing crusade. Sadly, the stories started to come less frequently. But you didn’t! With no effort on my part, HNTGL started getting blogrolled on more and more sites. Readership even improved, very slowly but steadily.
Which brings us to the central paradox (and perhaps, admittedly, the major flaw) of HowNotToGetLaid.com. People love to read stories about not getting laid. But (it seems) only a small percentage of those people are willing to share stories about themselves. Reading is easy. Sharing requires effort. So there you are.
I would love to go back to posting three stories a week (or more), but I can only post what I’m sent. Which leaves the ball in your court. This is your website. If you want to see more stories, please keep sending them in. Spread the word to your friends, dare everyone you know to share a dark story from their past, and see who is up to the challenge. Remember that a two sentence story can be every bit as rewarding as a 1000 word opus, so this needn’t be a huge time commitment. If you really want to go all the way supporting the site, buy a T-shirt and wear it out in public. Spread the word and the mission however you can.
I’d like to thank those of you who have contributed stories, those of you who have blogrolled me, those of you who rate stories and add comments, and even those of you who just visit the site to read for a bit and then disappear quietly into the night. You have all made this a terrific first year. With a little luck and a little help, we can make it a great ‘08 as well.
peace and love,
Stewart Fox
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