Archive for May 2007
(Was it too much to hope that our 69th story would be about, well, 69? In a word: Yes. No 69 stories this week. Fortunately this little nugget is not too far afield. So enjoy! — SF)
Submitted by Bill, Age 22, Atlanta, GA
Last week I was out with my buddy John, and he’s trying to get with this hot girl he’s been working on for some time. She was with her equally hot friend, and it was the four of us at this bar. We were having some brewskies and things are going well. We boys are throwing down the charm, and it seems to be working. Laughs all around.
The subject then goes to sex, and then oral sex, and I’m thinking this can only be a good thing. That is, until John, starts in about how bad it tastes to go down on a girl. Now, John is normally cool, but his charm and comedy is definitely of the non-politically correct “I’m the guy who tells it like it is and fuck you if you disagree with me” variety. It was soooooo wrong for this moment. He goes off on this bit about how he’s never going to go down on a woman again. Was he being serious? Doesn’t matter, it was a stupid move. Whatever interest this chick may have had in him . . . gone. She did a 360. John, needless to say, did not get laid.
On the flip side, thanks to John’s little editorial, I got to be the guy who valiantly defended the cause of cunnilingus, and, I will say, the ladies were much more sympathetic to my position. I got my reward later. But then, that’s another story . . .
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Submitted by Sarah, Age 31, Philadelphia, PA
I met this marine biologist (yes, a marine biologist!) on match.com, and he seemed like a real catch: cute, funny, sincere. We exchanged a few emails, then he left town for a month on some research expedition before we could actually meet. While he was away, he emailed me, and I emailed him back. Soon, it got to the point where we were writing each other pretty much every day. It was fun and exciting to have this romantic pen-pal, and we both looked forward to finally meeting once he returned to town.
On date night, he arrived at my apartment ten minutes early. There was a little surprise on my part when I first opened the door. He wasn’t bad-looking exactly, but his internet picture was definitely a best-case scenario. So…no instant fireworks, but that was okay. I felt I had a good guy here, and I needed to give him the benefit of the doubt.
But first, I had to finish getting ready. I excused myself and returned to the bathroom. When I opened the door five minutes later, I found him leaning against the sofa waiting for me — BUCK NAKED.
“I just couldn’t wait any longer,” he said.
I suppose I should have been scared or freaked, but for whatever reason, I just cracked up. He looked ridiculous standing there with his average schlub body, naked as a jaybird. It struck me as really silly, and I could not stop laughing. He got VERY red in the face, colossally embarrassed. For some reason, I said, “no, it’s not you” — but of course it totally was.
He put on his clothes with great speed, and apologized profusely. Neither of us quite knew what to do at that point, so we ended up going to dinner as originally planned. The rest of the date wasn’t technically awful, but his bold disrobing cast a pall of embarrassment over the whole affair, and I was very happy when we skipped desert and said an early goodnight.
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Submitted by Roger, Age 25, Boston, MA
So you know the theory that we’re all a certain percentage gay and a certain percentage straight? I subscribe to this theory, and I’d describe myself as mostly straight in a 60%/40% way. This means I’m attracted to pretty much anyone good looking regardless of gender, but (after a brief phase of experimentation in my younger years) I prefer and date only women.
This is not something I advertise when dating women, and I only bring it up after we’ve been dating a while – and then, only tactfully. No big deal. Except this one time.
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Submitted by Drew, Age 21, Toronto
My first week on the campus residence at college was typical: meet a ton of new people, make a ton of new friends, get hammered, and preform various acts of debauchery.
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(The Dangers of Alcohol: Part 3 — where our protagonist once again learns: Screw the sauce or be screwed by the sauce. — SF)
Submitted by TooCool, Age 36, Traverse City, MI
I was in my mid-20s, and thought I was just the coolest bitch ever. Just graduated a prestigious college. Big fish, small pond. I met a guy at work with an ego greater than/equal to mine, and I tried like hell to bag him.
We had had a one-nighter, which, fueled by way too much alcohol, was forgettable. Er, forgotten. I wanted another chance.
Long story short — I had a party at my parents’ house on the lake, about 40 miles from the city. It was a pain in the ass to get him to come all the way out there for the bash, but he did finally show up, with another cool friend.
By the time he arrived, I was so far gone on booze and hash that I made a total ass of myself. I allowed him to degrade my assembled local friends — and I joined in. I was unhinged.
Fast forward an hour or so, I puked all over the place. He and his friend made a hasty retreat while I vomited. I returned to the party to find everyone gone.
How cool is that?
P.S. Ironic ending — I am now happily married to Cool Guy’s childhood best friend — who has let me know in no uncertain terms that NO ONE who actually knows Cool Guy thinks he’s cool. He’s actually a whiny, insecure heroin addict (And the probable reason I don’t remember the one-nighter is because his dick is so small that it was like throwing a hotdog down a hallway).
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(Part 2 in our educational series about the dangers of alcohol. Part 3 to come in a few days. Listen and learn, children! — SF)
Submitted by Ron, Age 29, Austin, TX
It’s New Year’s Eve, 2006, and I’ve got a night planned with a very attractive co-worker of mine. She and I have been out enough for me to know I like her, and for her to discover I’m not quite her type… but it’s New Year’s, dammit! Nobody likes to be alone and neither of us had been intimate in ages. It had been two years for her, and almost five years for me. This was going to be a good night and I’ll be damned if I was going to let anything get in the way.
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Submitted by Dawn, Age 24, NYC
How Not to Get Laid? Simple.
Have the third date right outta the books: Simple sexy dress that wows him, a dab of perfume in the cleavage that’s purposely showing, candlelit dinner, delicious wine, flirtatious talk and under-the-table-teasing… dessert……..
Both hot, both turned on as all hell, you somehow make it back to your place, up the stairs, and as he goes down on you, have him find out with his tongue that you weren’t keeping track of your cycle and you hadn’t noticed that you started to bleed an hour earlier. Is that what was in my panties? Not exactly the wetness he was lookin’ for.
Say good night, Gracie.
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Submitted by Elizabeth, Age 18, Williamsport, PA
I had a big crush on this guy my senior year in high school. The most excruciating part of having this crush on him and seeing him every day was that he was a desperate virgin and constantly complained about his troubles with women, while I tried to get him to like me to no avail. I think the problem was that he thought I was a little too out-there for him.
Anyway, it’s graduation night, I am an experienced alkie, and he wants to get drunk for the first time ever. So, I encourage him to down more rum, while getting very very drunk myself. Later on in the night, he is tanked, and I decide to tell the whole party about how in love with him I am and how I want to take his virginity. By this point he is close to unconscious and dashing to the toilet while I try to comfort him. My friends then decided to lock me in the room where he is about ready to lie down. They tell me he wants to have sex with me. He keeps falling asleep as I attempt to kiss him. I do remember noticing this and giving up. The next day I awake to find out that I crawled up to the bunk bed above him and vomited in my bed – and onto his head.
I had to get an identification card picture taken the next day in order to board a plane, and I still had puke in my hair. My friends still like to point out that the picture on my ID was taken “the day after I tried to date rape Chris.”
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Submitted by Certified Douchebag, Age 19, Pennsylvania
How about this one: You’re dating this girl, and things have been going well. You’ve fooled around naked before, but haven’t had sex yet. You’re thinking it could be any day now.
Then her grandfather dies. She leaves school for a week. She comes back and keeps having other plans, so it takes you forever to see her again. After a long while, she invites you to her dorm, you have a couple beers, and FINALLY you’re making out on her bed. But she’s still kind of sad about the whole grandfather being dead thing. You kiss her and touch her as she talks. Your patience is getting short, your balls blue. She says, “I think my grandfather would have really wanted to see me graduate.”
You say, “I think your grandfather would have really wanted you to take off your shirt.” She says nothing, and because you’re fondling her breasts, you don’t see her eyes, which probably look shocked, not believing you said what you just said. So you go even further, guiding her hand to your crotch, saying “I think your grandfather would have really wanted you to touch my penis too.”
That’s when she tells you to get the fuck out, and you realize how stupid, insensitive, and not at all funny you’ve been. You want to kick yourself in the head. But you don’t, because your legs don’t work that way. So you go back to your room, look at internet porn, and then tell the world about your stupidity on some site about not getting laid.
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(23 votes, average: 3.61 out of 5)