How Not to Get Laid

A compendium of coitus rejectus... because we learn more from our failures

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Archive for March 2007

Been There, Done That

Posted: March 2nd, 2007

6 comments so far

In my eyes, we really and sincerely were just friends. Three years ago, he happened to show up at my place the night my dog died. Anyone who has lost a pet they loved, knows that you’re in an over-emotional place in the hours/days following. Not wanting to be alone, I begged him to stay. He said, “give me a reason”. Between sobs, I said, “huh?” He said, “you know, a reason,” and he slid his hand up my thigh. I was shocked by this proposal, not a path we’d ever ventured down before, and was kind of offended, but I still wanted him there… Anyhow, I said, “can’t you just stay?” He quickly removed his hand, reached for his jacket, and said, “not without a reason.” Girls, I know I’m not alone here, I gave in, just for not wanting to be alone. (Mental note, next time, call a girlfriend and have her bring ice cream). I hated myself for it, was mad at him, but whatever, the night passed… actually, the extremely unimpressive twenty minutes passed, he passed out, woke up two hours later and left me alone anyway. Wonderful.

The next night he called, asking to come over. I was in my right mind by then, and said plainly, “no, last night was a mistake, it won’t happen again.” He wouldn’t accept it. Told me we had moved from friends to more, that he’d been wanting this for a long time. I said, “no, I was lonely, you wouldn’t stay otherwise, that’s all that happened.” He then called me all sorts of names (let your imagination run wild and then add a few more). Yup, way to sweet-talk a girl. I don’t think I entirely deserved it, I hadn’t exactly seduced him here, I just gave into HIS ultimatum, but call it as you will. We both shoulda played it differently.

Anyway, time passed. For whatever reason, we stayed in each other’s social consciousness. Old habit I guess. Jump to three years later (last week), he showed up at my door with a bottle of wine, and said, “This is it.” Me: “I’m sorry, this is what?” “Three years ago today your dog died, let’s commemorate the occasion.”

Wow. Just wow. I took a moment to look at him dead in the eyes and see that he was serious. He was. I’d like to say I broke his nose when I slammed the door on it, but sadly I think he backed away just in time.

Submitted by Ashley, Age 29, Green Bay, WI

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