Archive for March 2007
Next week, HowNotToGetLaid.com will post its 50th story. [Make loud joyful noise of your choosing HERE] It’s been an amazing first three and a half months, and I thank all of you for making it so. The last few weeks have been particularly cool as we’ve gotten a terrific review on Jane’s Guide and lots of amazing press. So please take a moment, as the reader, and pat yourselves on the back for helping to put the world’s first website about NOT getting laid on the map …
You done yet? Okay. Cool. Stop patting yourselves please. There’ll be more time for that later. But first …
The lowdown. While HNTGL is exploding, the amount of new stories in my Inbox is … not. After starting with a large backlog of brilliant tales, my supply of stories is starting to run low, and this has me concerned. I’m putting them up faster than I’m getting them in, and that’s no good. So here’s the deal: in order for HNTGL.com to stick around, I need your help.
Here are a few SUPER EASY things you can do right now to help keep the mission alive:
1. SUBMIT A STORY - Everybody’s got a story to share. Hell, you’ve probably got five. Why not share one? Tell us how you screwed up so we can avoid making the same mistake. Sharing is caring!
2. TELL 5 FRIENDS ABOUT HNTGL - More readers = More people to potentially write stories.
3. TELL 50 FRIENDS ABOUT HNTGL - I know you have more than 5 friends.
4. BLOGROLL ME - Got a blog? Link to me!
5. MYSPACE LOVE - Befriend our MySpace page and good things will follow.
6. SUBMIT A STORY - What are you waiting for? Just start typing. It’s not as hard as it sounds. And it’s fun. People have told me it’s cathartic even. If you’ve only got five free minutes, type up a five minute story. Remember, this can be a story about you wanting to have sex but messing it up, it can be about someone else improperly wooing you, it can be a story about a friend, anything! Just go for it!
Thanks for taking action today, and, as always, thanks for reading.
Have a great weekend!
Stewart Fox
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Submitted by Casey, Age 24, Boulder, CO
I’m in college. One date away from finally boning Wanda Lewis, and that date is tonight. I think about her perfect pair bouncing around in those tight tank tops she always wears as we IM to confirm our plans. I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time.
A new window pops up. It’s my boy Evan who wants me to come out to a rager tonight at SAE.
“2nite? u fuckin crazy bro? i’m boning wanda lewis 2nite.”
That ought to make him jealous.
“excuse me?”
Oh yeah, he’s pretending like he doesn’t know her. That asshole. He knows EXACTLY who I’m talking about.
“u know, tank top girl with the tits from murray’s econ class.”
No reply. Then I read:
“casey, are you IM-ing with someone else?”
Holy hell. I’ve been typing in the wrong box.
I am the biggest idiot in the world.
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Submitted by Kate, Age 29, Boston
It had been a LONG time for me since I’d last been with a guy and certain body parts were going to go on strike if I didn’t get some action soon. Enter Charlie. I met him at the gym (which was probably my big mistake right there, but anyway…). He had kind of a young Val Kilmer thing going on and he was a lawyer and smelled real nice (even at the gym), so, yeah, I was VERY excited when he asked me out.
We met at a French restaurant and he arrived looking and smelling even better than normal. We sit down and we’d barely started reading the menu when he lays this one on me:
“You should know, if I act at all funny tonight, this is my first date since my girlfriend broke up with me. It was a pretty emotional breakup.”
Uh, okay…
“No problem,” I say, ignoring the warning bells in my head.
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Submitted by Tom, Age 23, New York
I had a crush on this chick from work, and one day I managed to actually get her back to my apartment. A little conversation, some vino, and we start making out. What a lucky bastard I am! This girl is amazingly hot and totally … well let’s just say: enthusiastic. I can hardly believe it, but it looks like we’re actually gonna sleep together.
Then her phone rings. She answers it. Short pause. Annoying … but, hey, we go right back to making out, so it’s cool.
Then another call. She answers it again. This is less cool. But at least it’s brief. And she apologizes.
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(Wasn’t sure whether to post this one as it’s about me, but my girlfriend told me I had no choice. Though it is difficult, I’ll resist the urge to add any commentary, and I won’t even object to being described as “goofy.” Just don’t get too many ideas. — SF)
Submitted by “How Ironic!”
I actually knew the founder of this site in college, and every girl I knew at the time, including several who were absolutely clear that they were lesbians, had a HUGE crush on him! I guess if one of us had made a move, this great and funny site wouldn’t exist, though. I did kiss him in a play, and EVERYONE was jealous : ) I guess he was completely clueless… which, ironically, was probably part of his appeal! Luckily, this story has a happy ending, since he has a girlfriend now. : )
So, for all you cute, goofy guys out there, sometimes you just have to go for it!
Good luck!
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Submitted by Rich, Age 26, Oakland, CA
I was in college and really hot for this girl. We’d hooked up and teetered on the brink of full-blown sex, but the timing of her monthly cycle had prevented us from going all the way. Then I skipped town — more bad timing — for an extended Spring Break in Russia. For the two weeks I was gone, I fantasized about her constantly. We exchanged a couple flirty e-mails. I was crazy with anticipation, and I arranged to see her on the very night I got back. I couldn’t WAIT to get it on with this girl.
Only one thing I hadn’t counted on: jetlag. My last night in St. Petersburg, I partied straight through till morning. My logic was that this would make it easier to sleep on the plane. No such luck. Door to door it was a twenty hour day of travel, and I hardly slept a wink on any of my three flights. I got home barely an hour before I was set to have my date, and I was running on pure adrenaline.
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(Two women’s stories in a row? Both by women named “Sue”? From two different continents? No, it’s not impossible. Happy early St. Patrick’s Day. — SF)
Submitted by Sue, Boulder, CO
Bear with me, there is a bit of backstory here…
My second day of Freshman year in high school was coming to an end. I met my friend Sharin in the hall, and she excitedly told me about this incredibly hot guy she’d seen in the hall. As luck would have it, he passed by and she nudged me, whispering “That’s him!”.
Oh my gods. He was gorgeous. I fell, and fell hard.
As time went on, I discovered his name was Alex and he was a year ahead of Sharin and I. Back then, I was terribly, painfully shy and couldn’t even bring myself to say hello to him. He even was in my Chemistry class one year, and I still never even said a word to him; the power of speech fled whenever I got within a few feet of him. So I adored him from afar for three years until he graduated. I figured I would never see him again.
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Submitted by Sue Hale, Caerphilly, South Wales England
I was out on a blind date. Having spoken to the gentleman, I realized he was a dog lover so I suggested he bring his dog and we go for a walk. I chose a local historical castle for our blind date and bought the dog a ball to break the ice! We met up, and I threw the ball for the dog which he brought back. The guy then threw the ball, and it went into a hedge. The dog followed — over a 100 ft. cliff! I was like a chocolate teapot and phoned the fire brigade on my mobile. Several minutes later, two fire engines arrived, with 7 fireman. They rescued the dog and put him at the foot of the drawbridge of the medieval castle. Whilst we were waiting for the vet, a bride and groom came down the drawbridge dressed in medieval costumes! It was really funny: all the wedding guests dressed in medieval costumes and firemen running around everywhere with their helmets. None of the wedding guests wanted to pose for photos - they were all concerned for the dog! Anyway, I didn’t see the guy again. And unfortunately, the dog didn’t make it!
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Submitted by LilB, Age 29, Philly
The Setting: A small New England campus named after a Supreme Court justice. Let’s just call it Scalia College. Good ol’ Scalia had an active and influential population of religious fundamentalists of a certain persuasion (won’t name names but when you think of Hollywood and international banking, they’re high on the list). Scalia was also not known for its attractive students. Women who in the rest of the world would rate at best a 5 (in low light and when you’re intoxicated) would suddenly be bumped up to a 7 or 8 at Scalia. This is what we called the “Scalia hot” phenomenon.
Anyway, there was one woman who was of this fundamentalist persuasion, who was “Scalia hot.” She had a huge rack and was well known on campus for being one of these religious types. I had been trying to get into her pants for months, but her fundamentalist beliefs and mode of clothing wouldn’t allow for it. Not that I didn’t try and she didn’t lead me on. She was very flirtatious and suggestive, but the line was drawn at some mild cuddling on the couch watching TV, or at best, in her room in a suite with the door wide open.
Until one night. Many students at Scalia in one particular set of dorms - the same quad where the lady of this story lived - had figured out how to pirate cable. In the mid to late 90s, pirated college cable equaled pirated college cable porn. Jackpot!
One night, I’m in her room. She shuts the door. We flip on the TV, start surfing through the channels … and she stops. On the porn channel. I think this is my chance. Can you tell how this story ends?) She leans over and kisses me. What do I do?
I keep watching the porn.
That’s why I’m posting this story to a site called How Not to Get Laid, and not Penthouse Forum.
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Submitted by Frustrated Online Dater, Age 27, New York
Attention Online daters… here are some things to avoid:
(6) Telling your potential date that your interests include going out sometimes and staying in sometimes. Surprising, I know, as this does make you sound very unique and very exciting. But more information is required.
(5) Having a profile in which you sound bitter and angry with the world. Once again, shocking that this is not a turn on, I know. Also bad, putting up a photo of you scowling… you would be surprised by how many people actually do this angry, “I am really pissed off” photo thing.
(4) Putting up photos of you and a child who is not yours, but forgetting to write, “not my child”… this can throw a potential suitor off just a little.
(3) Continuing to instant message someone who has turned you down multiple times. By the tenth time that you are rejected, you really should figure out that s/he is not about to change her/his mind. I recently returned to the online scene, and this one man continues to just keep on trying, hoping I’ll have a change of heart. But I haven’t.
(2) Emailing your potential date photos of your highly unattractive genitalia. Yes, some man really did this to me thinking it would work. He emailed me asking if I was impressed. Impressed by how unattractive and horribly pale and pimpled he was? Yes.
(1) Having a photo of you in a wedding dress on your profile with the screen name “AreYouTheOne”? Doesn’t work so well. Who knew?
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(The story below comes from Dr. Blogstein who was kind enough to have me on his awesome radio show last night (CLICK to hear show). I challenged the doctor to send in a story he told about himself, a pair of 19-year-olds, and a dizzying moral dilemma. He came through, and it’s a story to which many of us self-professed “good guys” can relate. I now extend my challenge to everyone else. If you’ve been enjoying what you read on this site, the time has come to follow the good doctor’s example and share a story of your own! It won’t hurt, and I guarantee you’ll feel better afterwards. — SF)
Submitted by Dr. Blogstein, Age 31, NYC
I was on a cruise with five of my friends to celebrate my 27th birthday. It just so happened that my actual birthday night coincided with karaoke night on the ship. Exciting!
When dinner was over, we ran down to the ballroom where karaoke was to be held but alas all the slots were filled. I begged the girl to let me sing my rendition of Frank Sinatra’s New York, New York because it was my birthday. How could she say “no” to that? Sure enough, ten minutes later, she announces to the room that its my turn and also jokes that its my 21st birthday.
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Submitted by Devon, Age 19, Miami, FL
If you lean in to kiss a girl and then notice she wears the same perfume as your Mom, it’s probably best not to mention it to her like I once did. Your girl might say something like: “that’s really weird.” And then you might say something like, “nah, that’s okay. It’s a sexy smell.” And then, you know what? You might just be spending the night with your right hand. I’m just saying . . . keep your mouth shut!
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(4.72 out of 5)
