How Not to Get Laid

Submitted by Kate, Age 29, Boston

It had been a LONG time for me since I’d last been with a guy and certain body parts were going to go on strike if I didn’t get some action soon. Enter Charlie. I met him at the gym (which was probably my big mistake right there, but anyway…). He had kind of a young Val Kilmer thing going on and he was a lawyer and smelled real nice (even at the gym), so, yeah, I was VERY excited when he asked me out.

We met at a French restaurant and he arrived looking and smelling even better than normal. We sit down and we’d barely started reading the menu when he lays this one on me:

“You should know, if I act at all funny tonight, this is my first date since my girlfriend broke up with me. It was a pretty emotional breakup.”

Uh, okay…

“No problem,” I say, ignoring the warning bells in my head.

Charlie continues, again totally out of the blue and with no prompting from me, saying, “Don’t worry though. It’s a good reason. See, I’m very well endowed and she’s a real petite girl and when we had sex, she couldn’t quite handle it. So you see, it was actually a good problem, not like a personality thing. And don’t worry. You’re not exactly petite so I don’t think it would be an issue in our situation.”

Whoah.

My jaw was on the floor. There were like a MILLION things wrong with what he’d just said, and my brain couldn’t process them all. All that I could think was: Did he just tell me he thought I had a large vagina? During the first two minutes of our date?

I was in shock, totally speechless. Eventually, I managed to chide him saying, “We don’t exactly have a situation yet, my friend.” For some crazy reason, I still had a shred of hope. Could he have been joking this whole time? Was he putting me on?

No. He was dead serious. Irony free. And completely thick in the head. He knew he said something wrong and half-heartedly tried to talk himself out of it, but it was clear he thought the mistake was on my end.

It was the longest dinner I’ve ever had. And the kicker was, he managed to work in the bit about being problematically endowed several more times over the course of the evening. I think he thought, “if only she UNDERSTOOD the true glory that is my penis, she’d want to be mine forever.”

Sorry, Charlie. No dice.

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