How Not to Get Laid

Submitted by Elizabeth, Age 18, Williamsport, PA

I had a big crush on this guy my senior year in high school. The most excruciating part of having this crush on him and seeing him every day was that he was a desperate virgin and constantly complained about his troubles with women, while I tried to get him to like me to no avail. I think the problem was that he thought I was a little too out-there for him.

Anyway, it’s graduation night, I am an experienced alkie, and he wants to get drunk for the first time ever. So, I encourage him to down more rum, while getting very very drunk myself. Later on in the night, he is tanked, and I decide to tell the whole party about how in love with him I am and how I want to take his virginity. By this point he is close to unconscious and dashing to the toilet while I try to comfort him. My friends then decided to lock me in the room where he is about ready to lie down. They tell me he wants to have sex with me. He keeps falling asleep as I attempt to kiss him. I do remember noticing this and giving up. The next day I awake to find out that I crawled up to the bunk bed above him and vomited in my bed –€“ and onto his head.

I had to get an identification card picture taken the next day in order to board a plane, and I still had puke in my hair. My friends still like to point out that the picture on my ID was taken “€œthe day after I tried to date rape Chris.”€

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