How Not to Get Laid

Submitted by Teri, Age 24, Hialeah, FL

Juan was a dreamboat in his pictures, and our online flirtation got pretty serious pretty quick. We talked on the phone and planned our date, and he was pitch perfect: confident, cool, and funny. He gave very good phone. He was going to pick me up from my apartment at 6pm, and we were going to go the beach to catch some dinner.

6pm, I’m ready to go. My lips are red, my clothing tight, my hair perfect. But Juan’s not there. Soon, it’s 6:15. Then 6:30. Still, no Juan. Do I call him? I don’t want to seem desperate, so I don’t. Soon it’s 7pm. Why hasn’t he called me yet? Is he standing me up? I finally call him, and he answers. He apologizes, says he’s running late at work but will be there in 15 minutes. 15 minutes pass. 30. 40. 50. Now he’s two hours late, and I’m pretty pissed. I’m hungry too. I start to think about alternate dinner plans. At 8:30pm, I slip into more comfortable clothes and go to the fridge. I take out a Lean Cuisine frozen meal, and put it in the microwave. My buzzer rings.

It’s Juan, wearing a big grin. He sees the steam rising from my head, and starts to apologize like crazy. I let him in, and he tells me this whole big story about why he was late. Why didn’t he at least call? He didn’t have a good answer for that one, but he didn’t let that worry him. He was in romance mode. He told me how sexy I looked (Now? When I’m in pajamas? You should have seen me 2 and a half hours ago.) He still wants to go out for dinner, but not yet. He wants to talk first. Me, I’m just hungry. And I’ve got a Lean Cuisine getting cold in the microwave.

But, no, he says, first we talk on the couch. Except he didn’t want to talk. He wanted to put his hand on my thigh. He wanted to kiss me.

I wanted to punch him in the face. Instead I asked him what the hell he was doing.

“Oh, you know what I’d like to be doing,” he said.

“Oh, no, sir,” I said. “Do you honestly think I have the slightest interest in touching you when you waltz in here two and a half hours late?”

“I think you might,” he said. “You just don’t know it yet.”

What an ass! “Oh, I know enough,” I said, and I stood up. I pointed to the door and said: “It’s time for you to leave my house. I got dinner to eat.”

I tell you, the stupid ones just don’t get it!

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