How Not to Get Laid

Submitted by “I don’t wanna talk about it,” Age 24, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

I’m not sure how to describe the place. It was a typical street outside a bar that played loud heavy-metal music and was packed with depressed teenager in black, which I was at the time. I was there sharing beers with a friend. While I was still sober, a girl came to talk to me and said she thought I was cute.

I didn’t respond. Not that I was embarrassed or anything, but I didn’t find her very attractive.

In response to my silence she said, “You don’t liked me. Okay,” and left.

Many beers later (and I do mean MANY) I saw the same girl and told my friend “She’s ugly as hell, but I’ll take her.” I tapped my friend on the shoulder and went to talk to her. I don’t think she gave me time to finish a whole sentence before kissing me. After this kiss, she took me by the arm, heading to the corner.

We ended up in a garage entrance that looked almost like a small dead end street with an old car parked in front. We started making out on the hood of the car.

By now, I have to mention that she was grunge, and by that, I mean that she didn’t seem to bathe or change her shirt very often. I took one smell of her neck and thought to myself “Try not to breathe too hard.” But, hey, I was drunk, horny, had a condom, and hated the fact that I was still a virgin. So, I tried to “close the deal”.

By this time she said she was not that kind of girl, that she didn’t even know me, but that didn’t last for long. I began to take out her shirt, and when it got a little past her belly button, a voice came from nowhere:

LISTEN UP, MAN!
HAVE YOU NO SHAME?!

So we stopped and looked to the place where the voice was coming from. There was a strong man, with no shirt on, who looked very pissed off. But he wasn’t looking at us. He was looking to the wall on our left.

So we looked to the wall on our left.

There was a guy looking at us … and masturbating.

After that, the anonymous masturbator and the other guy went their separate ways quickly. We slowly put ourselves together and went on our way too.

To this day, I thank the anonymous masturbator, because he saved me from having sex with that smelly girl.

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