Submitted by Christy, Age 25, Detroit

I was pleased as punch to run into my big high school crush last year and find that he was really into me too. It seemed so perfect! No awkward first date jitters or stilted conversation – we already knew each other! We could barely keep our hands off each other, and sped through dinner so we could cut to the chase, head back to his place, and hit the sheets. It was going swimmingly. He was sexy, he was smooth, he was skilled.

And then… it went wrong. So, so wrong.

As he unrolls a condom over himself, he tells me, giddy with excitement, “My mom is going to be so happy to hear about this when I call her tomorrow!”

Absolute buzzkill…

Why pick *that* moment to mention he’s going to call his mom to tell her all about our hookup?? (and who calls their mom to tell them this kind of thing, anyway?)

Seriously. How not to get laid? Just keep yapping about your mom while you’re in the sack. It will prevent you from getting laid each and every time.