Polly wants to what?!

Animals, Cars, Crazy Suitor, Drugs/Alcohol, Foot In Mouth, Girl Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Icky and/or Gross 2 Responses »
Sep 252008

Submitted by Ginger

Okay, so here I am at the ripe old age of 22, just got out of a long, life-wasting relationship, and I was on the rebound. My priority in life at this point was to go out, get drunk, and get laid. One night, I did go out, did get drunk, and was talking to a guy who somehow was getting progressively cuter as the night progressed. It happens, you’ve lived it, let’s move on. So, a couple, two, three more drinks later, he is suddenly the funniest guy I’ve ever met, and for some reason, I decided that we should leave and get things rolling.

Now, I’m not an overly materialistic girl, but when I saw the ”Hello this is my Grandma’s car” car that he was proudly sporting, I started to lose my buzz, but I didn’t let this get to me until I got into his car to see that he was, indeed, sitting on a cushion. My grandma did this because she was shrinking and needed the boost. Okay…letting this slide.

End at his house. Still lives with the parents, and I was assuming he was about my age — no biggie. We sneak into his basement room, have another drink, and then it starts to go from there. Make it onto his bed, start fooling around, having a grand old time, and all of a sudden I hear this SCCCCCCCRRRRREEEEEEAAAAAAAAACCCCCHHHH SSSSSQQQQQwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaccccck!!!

Ok WTF was that!?!? I ask. So…Grandma Ride jumps up out of the bed half naked and goes, “OHHH I didn’t introduce you to Annie!!!”

I’m sitting here thinking “Who is Annie and WTF is Annie spewing out that wretched ear piercing noise!?!?”

So the guy, who is getting rapidly uglier by the second as my buzz has just about completely dissipated, proceeds to run across the basement half clothed to go get this enormously huge parrot and bring it into the bed! I’M HALF NAKED HERE, BUD!

”Do you want to see how Annie is a good girl and can do her tricks?!?”

Uhhh, not so much, but I was not having much choice here as I was hurriedly getting dressed. (And you all know how getting dressed fast doesn’t seem to work; legs are in arm holes, etc.etc.) Well as he spewed out random “baby talk” antics to this thing, Annie decided she apparently didn’t like me. Annie was eyeing me down with her beady little eyes and I was giving her THE LOOK right back. Annie swoops off, not like a “pretty little girlie” and flies at me going for my head! At this time I proceeded to lie on the bed and pull the blanket over my head, swearing to myself that I was NEVER drinking again and I should try celibacy.

Now, instead of, I don’t know, GETTING THE BIRD AWAY FROM ME, this creep calmly says, ”Oh, Annie is upset because you are laying on her pillow. You should move over.”

You let your bird sleep in your bed?!!?

”Why of course! She is my BAAAAYBAAAY, aren’t you, Miss Prettiest Bird in the World!?!? Do you like daddy’s new girlfriend??!”

At this point, I managed to escape the entanglement of the bed sheets and got up and out of the bed. I was then RUNNING out the door and didn’t care that I didn’t have my shoes on in the middle of a Chicago January. I was deathly afraid I was going to end up in a hole with Precious tossing me a bottle of lotion to rub on my skin.

Yeah, he didn’t get laid. THANK GOD!!!!!

Posted by StewFox at 12:57 pm

If only I could go back in time and make myself forget she said that...

Foot In Mouth, Guy Story - No Sex for Girl, How Not To Get Laid 1 Response »
Sep 212008

Submitted by FilmFan, Age 27, Atlanta, GA

So I go out to see my friend’s band at a venue that was a few blocks from my house. Afterward, a few of the band members come over and bring some of their friends. We have a few drinks, and as the night goes on, people gradually trickle out. Eventually, the only people left are me, my roommate, and this girl I slightly know who sometimes hangs out with the band. I start getting the impression that the girl is hitting on me (and so does my roommate, who discreetly goes to bed to leave us alone).

After a while, she comes over and sits on my lap. At this point, I’m kind of lukewarm about whether I want to sleep with this girl or not. I’m not really that attracted to her, but I’m drunk and it’s been a while. I decide what the hell, I’ll sleep with her. We were watching CNN or something on TV, which is kinda distracting when you’re making out, so I pick up the remote and change to some random channel.

She looks up and says “Is that Timecop 2?”

Snickering, I look up the show on the TV Guide channel and, sure enough, it’s Timecop 2. I start laughing and say “Do you actually like this movie?”

She says, in all earnestness, “It’s good, but not as good as the first one.”

I’m like “You mean you liked Timecop? The Jean Claude van Damme movie? From like 10 years ago?”

And she says “Yeah, I love Van Damme. I just wish they could have gotten him to do Timecop 2.”

I start laughing, trying to hide my condescension. We make out for a while longer, but I can’t get over the whole JCVD thing. This girl is not for me, I keep thinking. After a while, I stand up, give her a kiss on the cheek, tell her that she can sleep on the couch if she’s too drunk to drive, and go to sleep. I never saw her again.

Posted by StewFox at 3:21 pm

A little crazy, but she's got perfect teeth

Crazy Suitor, Drugs/Alcohol, Guy Story - No Sex for Girl, How Not To Get Laid, Humiliation, Lothario Story 1 Response »
Sep 172008

Submitted by Charlie, Age 38, Houston

I worked at a business software company for 8 years as Network Administrator, and during that time successfully bedded about half of the female personnel; surprisingly, I still had a pretty good reputation, which I attributed to my being honest with women and treating them right before and after each one-night stand. Hell, I mean they even recommended me to one another.

Then we hired a new receptionist for the main desk, and this chick was dazzling. Beautiful red hair, face like a china doll, hazel eyes, built like a brick shithouse, smart, witty, effervescent personality, everybody loved her from day one. Within two weeks I had her heels on my shoulders at the Marriott, and I seriously thought this girl was The One. I soon learned through the grapevine that she thought the same thing about me.

Continue reading »

Posted by StewFox at 12:10 pm

A Plea for Bells and Whistles

Foot In Mouth, Girl Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid 1 Response »
Sep 152008

Submitted by I Hate Cricket Sex, 25, NYC

This isn’t a particularly titillating story, but it should really help a lot of young men out there.

I met a cute, albeit slightly younger, guy at a bar last summer. I’d recently gone through a break up and was looking for some no-strings fun, and this guy seemed like the perfect opportunity. We end up back at his apartment, which looks like a dorm room (red flag…immature city) and after some movie watching and making out, we start getting more serious…

Biggest. Penis. Ever. I mean – HUGE. But of good proportions. It was honestly worthy of a statue it was so…good looking. I thought I was in for a treat. Not so much. Turns out Bobby Big Dick was one of the worst lovers (well, one night stands) I’ve ever had. NO foreplay, no touching or caressing or sexy moans or passionate moves whatsoever. And he was completely SILENT. I’m talking crickets silent. I could hear the meter of a cab dropping someone off on the street outside. Not even heavy breathing! I felt totally awkward, especially since I’m normally a passionate and sort of loudish chick. I was starting to suspect that he was an android.

When it was over, he asked if I had had a good time. I said, “Uh, did YOU??” “Yeah, it was awesome.” Oh jesus, he thought that was GOOD. He asks, “Did you come? Because I like to make a girl come at least 3 times.” I actually laughed out loud at this. Puh-LEASE. I started calculating how much a cab home at 4 am would cost.

Then he started talking about how he hated those emo kids in high school who talked about suicide. So random. I couldn’t resist changing the subject and asking if he was always that robotic during sex (hey, I didn’t plan on seeing him again). He goes – “yeah I don’t see what the big deal is. I mean, I have a penis, girls have a vagina – you just stick it in. No bells and whistles.” I told him good sex is a lot more than just sticking your ‘penis’ in my ‘vagina’ a few dozen times – “Whatever,” he says. Gentlemen, bells and whistles (not literally) lead to fireworks, not silent and creepy pumping.

What a waste of a perfectly good penis on a perfectly stupid ass.

Posted by StewFox at 1:19 pm

One of Those "Friend of a Friend" Things

Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Lack of Balls, On Being Good 1 Response »
Sep 132008

Submitted by Jack, 28, San Francisco, CA

I got a call from this very sexy girl who had been dating a good friend of mine for several months. They had ended things on good terms recently, but rumor was that they might be relapsing occasionally. This girl was out of town visiting her terminally-ill grandfather. She said she would be back that evening….did I want to do something? She sounded upset, needed some distraction, humor, support, etc. I agreed, not considering this to be anything other than platonic.

Continue reading »

Posted by StewFox at 1:50 am

A Recipe For Ruining A Sure Thing

Drugs/Alcohol, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Humiliation, Icky and/or Gross, Virginity 1,666 Responses »
Sep 112008

Submitted by Jimmy, Age 22, Salt Lake City, UT

So I’m from Salt Lake City, UT. You may have heard rumors about this place. Despite what you have heard, one thing Salt Lake City is known for is getting some ‘hanky panky.’ However, I’m still 22 years old and still haven’t had the opportunity to get some–until just the other night.

My friend was hosting a ‘back to school’ party last weekend. He and a bunch of my friends are off to college and so they threw one last rager before moving away. They had jungle juice, jello shots and all the food you could eat. I figured I better eat something if I’m going to drink with them. So they grilled up some burgers and dogs and I had like 4 hot dogs. Anyway, this girl, (we’ll name her…Beth) comes in, and I’m introduced to her by my friends at the party. They’ve been feeling bad for me cause I’m the only one who hasn’t gotten busy yet. My friends tell me that hooking up with her is like ‘shooting fish in a barrel.’ And I’ll admit, she’s not the best looker in the bunch, but she sure has a great body. She starts off by pouring me a huge glass of jungle juice. I don’t drink much but I figured, “Why not?” She proceeds to ask me all sorts of questions about myself…Then I realize my friends have put her up to this. I mean, I know that she’s had sex with basically everyone there. I’ve heard the stories. Is it really my turn to get some?

Well to make a long story short, we drank more jungle juice–and more and more! Next thing you know, I had completely blacked out but somehow wandered into a strange bedroom with her. When I suddenly came too, it was dark and the only thing I could smell was her nasty perfume and suddenly…I threw up. She screams in horror and turns on the lights. My pants were down and she was already half naked! But as I looked across the bed, I threw up a bunch of hot dogs and juice and she was horrified. She basically threw her clothes on and ran out of the room. It was all of a sudden!

So if you want to know how not to get laid, don’t eat a bunch of hot dogs then follow it up with Jungle juice. No matter who you are..that will just extinguish any attempt to get some.

Posted by StewFox at 3:44 pm

Apparently guys need to be "in the mood" as well.

Foot In Mouth, Guy Story - No Sex for Girl, How Not To Get Laid, Lothario Story, Virginity 2 Responses »
Sep 102008

Submitted by Blake, Age 28, Toronto

Well, there was this girl I’d known for some time who was pretty cute. A bit odd but alright. We’d flirted on occasion and I knew she was interested but, frankly, I had better prospects at other times. I’d bunked over at her place for a few days between apartments and found out first hand how neurotic she could be, so I should have seen this coming, but oh well. Hindsight…

So there’s a stretch where I’m not with anyone, we end up at the beach together, and she’s looking pretty good. We end up at her family’s beach house and things start getting interesting. Then she tells me that she’s never ”gone all the way” before. Really? ”Yeah” she says, though she’s come close. Ok, well that’s alright, I say. So long as you want this to happen. So we take it from there.

So we’re on the bed ready to go and she glances out the bedroom door. ”Did you leave the light on?” Uh, yeah, sorry. So she gets up, goes out and turns it off. Comes back. ”Please don’t leave the light on.” Ok. ”It wastes power.” Sure, sorry. ”I just want you to remember for next time.” Ok, I will. ”Alright. Don’t forget.”

All of this in a tone like an adult scolding a child. Then she goes back to kissing my neck. Uh, sorry! Not in the mood! Stop! Amazing she’d never gone ”all the way” before. Protip: if you want sex and everything’s ready to go, save the lecture for another time.

Posted by StewFox at 3:09 pm

Can You Feel It?

Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Miscellaneous 1,886 Responses »
Sep 072008

Submitted by Rob, Age 30, Tulsa, OK

This is a little different than most HNTGL stories in that this was mid-relationship, but I figured you might appreciate a fairly spectacular malfunction.

So I got into a relationship with a kind, bubbly girl, and since we were very into each other we got to the deed very quickly.

Unfortunately I learned very quickly that we had a very interesting physical incompatibility… my penis is definitely on the large side, while her vagina was remarkably small. Sure, I could fit inside and move around and she seemed to enjoy things, but it was so unbelievably tight I was having some trouble keeping things under control for as long as I’d like, so to speak.

Since the problem was physical, doing math problems or imagining Bea Arthur naked wasn’t cutting it. I needed outside help, and so I swallowed my pride and turned to climax control condoms.

Now, I had no idea how climax control condoms worked. Maybe I thought they squeezed the penis at certain pressure points, or possibly summoned the Ejaculation Fairy to sprinkle duration dust on me. Unfortunately, it didn’t occur to me to test them out beforehand. Also, since I was a little embarrassed about the situation, I didn’t actually tell her I was switching brands.

We found ourselves in bed again, and things got to that usually-wonderful point when you know without a shadow of a doubt that happy things are about to happen. I whipped out the condom and began putting it on, but within seconds I learned the secret of climax control condoms — a numbing chemical. I felt like my naughty bits had been shot full of novacaine, and I could barely feel my fingers as I finished rolling it on. Okay, not what I expected, but I would be able to give her a little more pleasure, right?

Unfortunately, she wanted to give me a little more pleasure. Without warning she suddenly went down on me with gusto, which would normally be extremely hot. But five seconds later: “oh crap, why is my mouth going numb?”

The moment was ruined, but fortunately we’ve stayed friends.

Posted by StewFox at 8:37 pm
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