Submitted by Teri, Age 24, Hialeah, FL
Juan was a dreamboat in his pictures, and our online flirtation got pretty serious pretty quick. We talked on the phone and planned our date, and he was pitch perfect: confident, cool, and funny. He gave very good phone. He was going to pick me up from my apartment at 6pm, and we were going to go the beach to catch some dinner.
Submitted by Tom, Age 40, Hopkinton, New Hampshire
As a 38 year-old single father, getting back into the dating world was tough enough. Getting laid was even harder. Two years ago, I started dating again, eight months after my ex-wife walked out the door leaving me alone with our two little boys (ages two and six). I knew I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship at that point, but I was lonely, and dammit I was horny! Once the anger, grief, and self-pity subsided, I realized that it had been nine months since I’d gotten laid, and damned if I wasn’t going to change that.
Submitted by Mr. December, Age 28, Flagstaff, AZ
My crush on May was destined to be unrequited. I knew that, I’d accepted that, I really had. I was in a rebuilding and rebounding phase, and I was as horny as a 20 year-old virgin could be.
April was one of May’s best friends, and she knew about the whole May crush and how it didn’t work out, although she had no inkling as to the depth of my affections or the magnitude of my young heartbreak. This was a good thing, because I’d very quickly started noticing that April had striking blue eyes and a luscious figure. And she was flirting with me like nobody’s business. Hey, hadn’t I always kind of fancied April? Why hadn’t we hooked up before?
She could be the one. She could definitely be the one. Suddenly, in my mind, she had to be. I asked her out, she accepted, and I got the vibe that we were both looking forward to taking this longheld mutual appreciation into the realm of the physical.
But first we had to get through the pretense of a romantic Italian dinner out. And when it came time to order, I said, “What are you having, May?”
Shit. I’d called April “May.” She pretended not to make a big deal of it. But it wasn’t too long before discussion went to the whole May issue. “What was the deal with that?” April asked, wanting to hear my side of the story. I told it, albeit in sanitized form. I explained in no uncertain terms that I was absolutely so totally over May, and that the whole thing was in the past.
But then, I accidentally called April by May’s name AGAIN. No big deal, you’re thinking, easy to explain that mistake away, right? Sure. Except that I kept making it. Unbelievably, I managed to call April May a total of five times over the course of the night! And by number five, I’d say that April got wise. Heartbreak, horniness, virginity, and April. Only April was lost that night.
Submitted by Sally, Age 30, New York, NY
I was on my first date with Cliff. He was a former bad boy with the sort of good looks that had surely led many girls astray. But he’d cleaned up his act in the last decade, at least that was the story: he’d gotten off drugs, gone straight, headed back to school, and gotten his real estate license. Now he was doing quite well for himself as a real estate agent, and seemed like a fine catch.
I will be on vacation for the next week. New stories will be posted starting June 13th. Please take this opportunity to engage in any of the following wonderful activities:
1. browse the HNTGL archives and read some of our awesome older stories (Dec, Jan, Feb, Mar, Apr, May)
2. walk away from your computer, stretch your limbs, and engage actively in the world
3. go on a date and get laid (or fail spectacularly, trying to do so)
4. write many new hilarious stories for me so that I will return from vacation to find my Inbox overflowing!
I look forward to more fun soon.
Think sexy thoughts,
Stewart
Submitted by J.E., Age 33, Seattle
Right after our second hook-up we had a brief discussion. Still laying in bed, this is how the conversation went.
Her: Do you have anything I need to be worried about? (e.g. an STD)
Me: Uh, no. (Wondering where this question is coming from)
Her: Well, you always wear a condom. They irritate my skin.
Me: Are you on the pill?
Her: No…I thought you could just pull out.
Me: Uh, well, you should probably get on the pill then. (Wondering what in the hell this girl is thinking?!)
Her: That’s probably a good idea. I should talk to my doctor.
I’m still not sure what was going through her mind. But this episode screamed entrapment. And I wasn’t going to stick around for a third installment to find out.