StewFox

One of Those "Friend of a Friend" Things

Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Lack of Balls, On Being Good 1 Response »
Sep 132008

Submitted by Jack, 28, San Francisco, CA

I got a call from this very sexy girl who had been dating a good friend of mine for several months. They had ended things on good terms recently, but rumor was that they might be relapsing occasionally. This girl was out of town visiting her terminally-ill grandfather. She said she would be back that evening….did I want to do something? She sounded upset, needed some distraction, humor, support, etc. I agreed, not considering this to be anything other than platonic.

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Posted by StewFox at 1:50 am

A Recipe For Ruining A Sure Thing

Drugs/Alcohol, Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Humiliation, Icky and/or Gross, Virginity 11 Responses »
Sep 112008

Submitted by Jimmy, Age 22, Salt Lake City, UT

So I’m from Salt Lake City, UT. You may have heard rumors about this place. Despite what you have heard, one thing Salt Lake City is known for is getting some ‘hanky panky.’ However, I’m still 22 years old and still haven’t had the opportunity to get some–until just the other night.

My friend was hosting a ‘back to school’ party last weekend. He and a bunch of my friends are off to college and so they threw one last rager before moving away. They had jungle juice, jello shots and all the food you could eat. I figured I better eat something if I’m going to drink with them. So they grilled up some burgers and dogs and I had like 4 hot dogs. Anyway, this girl, (we’ll name her…Beth) comes in, and I’m introduced to her by my friends at the party. They’ve been feeling bad for me cause I’m the only one who hasn’t gotten busy yet. My friends tell me that hooking up with her is like ‘shooting fish in a barrel.’ And I’ll admit, she’s not the best looker in the bunch, but she sure has a great body. She starts off by pouring me a huge glass of jungle juice. I don’t drink much but I figured, “Why not?” She proceeds to ask me all sorts of questions about myself…Then I realize my friends have put her up to this. I mean, I know that she’s had sex with basically everyone there. I’ve heard the stories. Is it really my turn to get some?

Well to make a long story short, we drank more jungle juice–and more and more! Next thing you know, I had completely blacked out but somehow wandered into a strange bedroom with her. When I suddenly came too, it was dark and the only thing I could smell was her nasty perfume and suddenly…I threw up. She screams in horror and turns on the lights. My pants were down and she was already half naked! But as I looked across the bed, I threw up a bunch of hot dogs and juice and she was horrified. She basically threw her clothes on and ran out of the room. It was all of a sudden!

So if you want to know how not to get laid, don’t eat a bunch of hot dogs then follow it up with Jungle juice. No matter who you are..that will just extinguish any attempt to get some.

Posted by StewFox at 3:44 pm

Apparently guys need to be "in the mood" as well.

Foot In Mouth, Guy Story - No Sex for Girl, How Not To Get Laid, Lothario Story, Virginity 9 Responses »
Sep 102008

Submitted by Blake, Age 28, Toronto

Well, there was this girl I’d known for some time who was pretty cute. A bit odd but alright. We’d flirted on occasion and I knew she was interested but, frankly, I had better prospects at other times. I’d bunked over at her place for a few days between apartments and found out first hand how neurotic she could be, so I should have seen this coming, but oh well. Hindsight…

So there’s a stretch where I’m not with anyone, we end up at the beach together, and she’s looking pretty good. We end up at her family’s beach house and things start getting interesting. Then she tells me that she’s never ”gone all the way” before. Really? ”Yeah” she says, though she’s come close. Ok, well that’s alright, I say. So long as you want this to happen. So we take it from there.

So we’re on the bed ready to go and she glances out the bedroom door. ”Did you leave the light on?” Uh, yeah, sorry. So she gets up, goes out and turns it off. Comes back. ”Please don’t leave the light on.” Ok. ”It wastes power.” Sure, sorry. ”I just want you to remember for next time.” Ok, I will. ”Alright. Don’t forget.”

All of this in a tone like an adult scolding a child. Then she goes back to kissing my neck. Uh, sorry! Not in the mood! Stop! Amazing she’d never gone ”all the way” before. Protip: if you want sex and everything’s ready to go, save the lecture for another time.

Posted by StewFox at 3:09 pm

Can You Feel It?

Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Miscellaneous 5 Responses »
Sep 072008

Submitted by Rob, Age 30, Tulsa, OK

This is a little different than most HNTGL stories in that this was mid-relationship, but I figured you might appreciate a fairly spectacular malfunction.

So I got into a relationship with a kind, bubbly girl, and since we were very into each other we got to the deed very quickly.

Unfortunately I learned very quickly that we had a very interesting physical incompatibility… my penis is definitely on the large side, while her vagina was remarkably small. Sure, I could fit inside and move around and she seemed to enjoy things, but it was so unbelievably tight I was having some trouble keeping things under control for as long as I’d like, so to speak.

Since the problem was physical, doing math problems or imagining Bea Arthur naked wasn’t cutting it. I needed outside help, and so I swallowed my pride and turned to climax control condoms.

Now, I had no idea how climax control condoms worked. Maybe I thought they squeezed the penis at certain pressure points, or possibly summoned the Ejaculation Fairy to sprinkle duration dust on me. Unfortunately, it didn’t occur to me to test them out beforehand. Also, since I was a little embarrassed about the situation, I didn’t actually tell her I was switching brands.

We found ourselves in bed again, and things got to that usually-wonderful point when you know without a shadow of a doubt that happy things are about to happen. I whipped out the condom and began putting it on, but within seconds I learned the secret of climax control condoms — a numbing chemical. I felt like my naughty bits had been shot full of novacaine, and I could barely feel my fingers as I finished rolling it on. Okay, not what I expected, but I would be able to give her a little more pleasure, right?

Unfortunately, she wanted to give me a little more pleasure. Without warning she suddenly went down on me with gusto, which would normally be extremely hot. But five seconds later: “oh crap, why is my mouth going numb?”

The moment was ruined, but fortunately we’ve stayed friends.

Posted by StewFox at 8:37 pm

Cock-blocked by the clock

Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, High School, How Not To Get Laid, On Being Good 1 Response »
Sep 042008

Submitted by Will, Age 35, Atlanta

So it’s my senior year and my high school girlfriend and I had been having hot and heavy makeout sessions for months – 2 or 3 hours of “heavy petting” that drove us both insane…alas this was before oral sex became so common so never any relief!

So one night around 11:30pm we’re at my house with my parents out of town she tells me “I’m ready! I want you inside me!!!” No objections on my part of course and I prepared to finally get on the scoreboard.

But then as I am shifting positions to get on top of her she thinks to ask me “hey what time is it?” I answer 11:30 and we both immediately sighed as her curfew was midnight and she lived about 25 minutes away.

So we reluctantly dress and are almost to her house, still frisky of course, and she suddenly exclaims “oh wait we turn back the clocks an hour tonight” This was relevant only because her much older parents usually went to bed around 10pm and were 100% the type to have changed their clocks before going to bed.

Unfortunately we realized that even with the bonus hour by the time we got back to my house it would almost be time to turn around and go back again…curses!

Posted by StewFox at 3:09 am

A Surprising Political Position

Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, On Being Good, Travel 3 Responses »
Sep 022008

Mike Jones, Age 29, Cleveland, Ohio

In 2004, I was working on the presidential election. Our campaign had a major event and we were all put up in a fancy hotel. One of the long-term volunteers that I had been flirting with all summer was also at the event, but not staying in the hotel because she was local to the area.

Midway through the second day, we were giggling in the back of the room during a very boring speech. She commented about how exhausted she was, and I said that I’ve got a room in the hotel. Well, off we went upstairs.

On the way, I was incredibly nervous and wondering what the hell I was getting into taking a girl up to my room without any condoms (and a girlfriend back home).

My questions were soon answered when we got into the room. My campaign-assigned roommate (the former mayor of a major city) was sitting in his bed watching TV with no pants on. He asked if she would wait outside while he got dressed, and he left, but the mood was dead.

We laid in bed, she took a nap, and two hours later he came back.

In the end, I’m glad he was there, because I never saw her again, and I married my girlfriend.

Posted by StewFox at 4:10 am

Boner With the Bathwater

Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, How Not To Get Laid, Lack of Balls, On Being Good 4 Responses »
Sep 012008

Submitted by Mark, Age 39, Oklahoma

I was 28, single, and was finally dating. I met this pretty 26-year old girl at work who was a single mom with a 18-month old daughter. She was often tired from the day and turned in around 9 pm, and that’s when I usually left on evenings when I came by. No commitment here really but we were on first base terms and I didn’t push things, and I can’t even recall if I was ok with the status quo or was worried about a commitment.

One evening it was getting late. As usual, she said, “Well, we’ve got to take our bath and go to bed.”

“Alright.”

Then she said, “That is unless you want to join us.”

It kind of took me by surprise. Now anyone would have playfully said “sure” just to see where this was leading. A tease? Maybe. Two adults having some intimate time in the tub (which as I recall would fit us all), even if innocently bathing an 18-month old? I can see that being kind of interesting, and a prelude to what might have
happened after the tot was put to bed. I envisioned scrubbing her back while she bathed the daughter; all kinds of wonderful thoughts. But we were kissing earlier, so I was a bit turned on and had an erection that would have sprung free to destroy the evening. No, this anatomical party crasher was not going to be the centerpiece of tonight’s bathtime, and especially not with a child in the tub.

There was a moment of awkward silence. She didn’t laugh it off. I must have blotted out what happened but I think we played it off and didn’t give it much thought, and nicely said goodnight.

Thanks, boner. I left that evening wondering what might have followed from a simple “sure”. Years later we emailed and she said she felt as a single mom she had nothing to offer, and I guess being a bachelor I wasn’t yet ready to be a dad. We never did have sex. In hindsight I guess I should have brought some wine and a movie to get us off first base, but for some reason I never did that or didn’t know at the time what worked. I’m left wondering whether it was me or her that was worried about making the next move.

Posted by StewFox at 10:00 am

A Word from Stewart Fox

Stewart Fox 4 Responses »
Aug 282008

Good things sometimes happen at peculiar times. This has been a big week for How Not To Get Laid. We’ve turned up on Nerve’s Scanner blog, Salon.com’s Broadsheet, and MetaFilter. We’re the blog of the day on Crap We Like!, and there will be more press in the days to come.

How is this peculiar timing? I just left on vacation, and will be very hard to reach for these next 10 days. On a practical level, this won’t affect you guys much. I’ve been getting a bunch of new stories in, and I will try to keep a steady flow of posts while I’m gone. But don’t expect me to return e-mails for a bit.

Meanwhile, if you’re new to the site, welcome! Stick around a while. Read our old stories. And, most importantly, submit your own. I can’t wait to hear about how you almost got laid.

talk to you soon,
Stewart

Posted by StewFox at 7:02 pm
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