A Plea for Bells and Whistles

Submitted by I Hate Cricket Sex, 25, NYC

This isn’t a particularly titillating story, but it should really help a lot of young men out there.

I met a cute, albeit slightly younger, guy at a bar last summer. I’d recently gone through a break up and was looking for some no-strings fun, and this guy seemed like the perfect opportunity. We end up back at his apartment, which looks like a dorm room (red flag…immature city) and after some movie watching and making out, we start getting more serious…

Biggest. Penis. Ever. I mean – HUGE. But of good proportions. It was honestly worthy of a statue it was so…good looking. I thought I was in for a treat. Not so much. Turns out Bobby Big Dick was one of the worst lovers (well, one night stands) I’ve ever had. NO foreplay, no touching or caressing or sexy moans or passionate moves whatsoever. And he was completely SILENT. I’m talking crickets silent. I could hear the meter of a cab dropping someone off on the street outside. Not even heavy breathing! I felt totally awkward, especially since I’m normally a passionate and sort of loudish chick. I was starting to suspect that he was an android.

When it was over, he asked if I had had a good time. I said, “Uh, did YOU??” “Yeah, it was awesome.” Oh jesus, he thought that was GOOD. He asks, “Did you come? Because I like to make a girl come at least 3 times.” I actually laughed out loud at this. Puh-LEASE. I started calculating how much a cab home at 4 am would cost.

Then he started talking about how he hated those emo kids in high school who talked about suicide. So random. I couldn’t resist changing the subject and asking if he was always that robotic during sex (hey, I didn’t plan on seeing him again). He goes – “yeah I don’t see what the big deal is. I mean, I have a penis, girls have a vagina – you just stick it in. No bells and whistles.” I told him good sex is a lot more than just sticking your ‘penis’ in my ‘vagina’ a few dozen times – “Whatever,” he says. Gentlemen, bells and whistles (not literally) lead to fireworks, not silent and creepy pumping.

What a waste of a perfectly good penis on a perfectly stupid ass.